After Zombie I began reading The Autobiography of Charlie Chaplin, which I picked up in Seattle. I've been fascinated with Charlie Chaplin for years. He's one of those very rare mythic people like Bruce Lee and Johnny Cash that came from very meager or strange beginnings to become a huge figure. All three of those people; Johnny, Charlie and Bruce had become some of the most famous figures in the world (Chaplin was THE most famous person in the world in his lifetime), which is even more amazing considering how they got there.



Charlie was the product of an alcoholic father that left his mother, who was a struggling actress. There was an incident where five year old Chaplin had to take his mother's place on stage to amuse a rowdy crowd when her voice failed. The Victorian crowd responded with applause and thrown change which Charlie stopped singing to pick up.

He came from very meager beginnings and chose the vaudville stage because that's all he knew. From vaudeville to plays, Britain to America, the stage to one reel films, he spent all his time perfecting his character. His creation; the Little Tramp, was a sensation that afforded him both untold wealth and success and the ability to go out in public unrecognized.
In fact, he once entered a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest and came in third. A young Milton Berle got first place.



Despite his wealth and fame he faced many struggles. He was highly intelligent, which is rare for someone with such an upbringing, and struggled with his new wealth in light of his past poverty. His mother, who sacrificed herself to raise him and his brother, suffered bouts of insanity at a time when the treatments were often worse than the affliction. Thanks to his wealth, he was finally able to provide for her in the last years of her life.

Though he enjoyed all that came with stardom; seeing the world, meeting the famous and the royal, he remained a solitary figure and kept closest to his brother and one of his oldest friends.

He believed in Socialism and spoke out against the evils of war, a difficult task during two world wars, especially when one as privileged as he doesn't have to fight in them. His first talkie, made years after the process was introduced, spoke out against Nazism and upset an America adamant in their isolationism. The final moments of the Great Dictator, when Chaplin fans finally got to hear the voice of the Little Tramp is remembered as one of the greatest moments in film history.



Hounded by J. Edgar Hoover, he eventually had his visa revoked and could never return to America. Instead he took up residence in Switzerland, where he lived with his wife and several children. Having narrowly avoided the Depression, World War I and lived through the rise of Hollywood, the advent of talking films and the beginning of the Cold War he found solace in the only woman to stay true to him, a woman twenty years his junior.

Today I came to the realization that I'm partly asleep all of the time. I'm not sure when this began or how but constantly I feel myself fading away, losing consciousness or drifting. It was a struggle to make it through work, if I closed my eyes for more than a few moments I would fall asleep.

This is due to getting only a few hours of sleep, which is due to spending most of the night burning dvds onto The Widowmaker which I couldn't have done had I not spent all of Friday night and most of Sunday sleeping as much as possible.

Friday night I was exhausted though now I can't remember why. I made a promise to get together with A though thankfully she was late and called at midnight. By that time I was half asleep and said I couldn't do anything but rest. She ended up coming over and spending the night with me. Nothing more. Just sleep. A deep, coma-like sleep that was incredible.

Saturday we went to Madison with her friends to see some roller derby. I don't remember visiting Wisconsin and haven't been to Madison at all so I went.

Sunday we both slept very late, so late the sun was beginning to go down and I had no chance of getting to bed at a sensible hour last night.

So now I realize I'm half awake at all time and this most likely is the cause of many of my problems. Today it was a combination of two things; lack of food and lack of sleep. I don't eat enough and I sleep too much. I feel like I'm wasting away and any moment I could drop off. That's not always a good thing.

Thankfully there were very few people at work and even less work.

I'm going to bed.

Tired again today...

A came over past midnight after drinking with some of her friends. She needed to get laid. We didn't spend much time talked and it was better than most times.

I was telling her I'd breed her, keep her pregnant and everytime she'd feel the baby in her or look at her new child she'd think of me forcing her down until I filled her up. I was, like, romantic and shit.

At one pointed things got so heated that my hand was slamming into her after I'd finished. She was voiceless, naked, heard rolling to the wall, her lips opened and stretched. Her hand went to mine and held it as her body convulsed.

Then...a fluid flowed heavily. As I watched, it gushed with a squishing sound flowing into my cupped fingers. It was yellow-orange-amber with tiny tendrils of blood within. I was afraid I'd hurt her. Things had been getting rough and I'm sure I did.

Afterwards she lay one the bed, naked breathing quietly, neither of us saying anything. I'd never seen a woman ejaculate before. It drenched by sheets and left a diffused red against the mattress giving it a suspicious look.

Working quickly, we managed to rub it out with detergent and fell asleep at four in the morning on a bare, very fresh smelling mattress.

Lack of sleep is catching up to me now.

I got a video ipod. I've been thinking about it in my head, going back and forth if I will or won't. I shouldn't, I already have one and I'm trying to save money but with this job and the other one and the first one if that doesn't work out, things are looking better fanancially.

Finished Zombie. Not sure what I'll read next.

I've still on a very positive high. I can't shake the feeling that everything is going better than I could have hoped and everything is great. It's an odd feeling for me, I'm not used to it at all.

I got a video ipod. I've been thinking about it in my head, going back and forth if I will or won't. I shouldn't, I already have one and I'm trying to save money but with this job and the other one and the first one if that doesn't work out, things are looking better fanancially.

Right now I'm infatuated with it. I like the idea of having a collection of movies and every song I could ever want wherever I go. Very unnecessary but I love it. Growing up I would have thought that wouldn't be around in my lifetime. We don't think about it but ipods are a big jump in technology. Odds are we've made a lot of huge jumps in medicine and weaponry that only a few know about but this is for everyone. The future, man...

I had to name it when I hooked it up to iTunes and since I already had one named my Ipod I named this one The Widowmaker and it is. Damn....

Just finished



Just Started



Stiff was a good one. A suggested it for me, I guess she knows me pretty well in the short time we've been together. All about dead bodies and what they do with them after they've been donated. Chopped up, used as fertilizer, put in fields to rot, harvested, hung on crosses, frozen and put in museums, yum!

Zombie is the daily thoughts of a sex offender/murderer as he goes through his life. His mind works differently than other people's. He's more observant but he's sociopathic, delusional and paranoid. Actually pretty creepy book but it's written so simply, like the main character and his simple thoughts.

Been itching to get a video ipod lately. Been thinking about it far too much.

Someone once said Chicago is like an abusive lover. It beats you down over and over again in the winter and you fall in love with it and forget all your complaints when spring hits. A said the weather on Sunday is like the wind making out with you.

It was one of those perfect days, the kind that triggers your sense when you smell a hint of fresh leaves and the pure, fresh air that seems so rare. There was a barbecue, an incredible barbecue with friends and those I never met. I spent two days with them, played with kids in the park, petted unknown dogs and thought it was the perfect day to blast the Ramones out an open window. Summer is always the best time for the Ramones; hot, sweaty and sun baked days with hours spent just as you'd like.

That will come later. Now I'm just enjoying the great mood the weather has got everyone in.

Spent the weekend with A again. Saw Macabre on Friday and had fun but it didn't live up to my hopes. I'm getting really close to her, which took me by surprise. I didn't think I would. In fact I didn't think I would know her for more than a month. Now I'd be shocked if I didn't know her last year.

Sunday made me think about everything, how I feel completely different than I did even three months ago. I wish I could meet me last summer. We'd have a lot to talk about. He'd probably think I was bullshitting.

It's been difficult getting things organized lately. I hate planning too much in advance, I'd rather have my life unscripted so I don't often make plans until a day or two before.
Add to that the fact that there are two women that both want my time equally. I never thought this would happen, I usually don't have such luck but I don't want to lose either of them. Granted, I like one more than the other but I hate the idea of letting one down or ignoring her. I'm doing my best to schedule my time with each as much as possible.
A is getting most of my time. I spend the most time with her by far. When I want to go somewhere or do something I think of her. We've already talked this weekend and scheduled the entire time together.
Je, who I thought would have lost interest considering I hardly ever see her, wants to see me whenever I have time. The problem is when I have time I'm usually recuperating.
That and I usually see C whenever she calls. She doesn't call too often but when she does I see her. Yesterday afternoon I spent looking at new apartments and running errands with her. At the end of the month I'd promised to help her move.
I'm trying to get her to move into Ukranian Village because that's where A lives and where I will most likely move when the planets align. It would make everything just more damn convenient than one living way up north and the other living in the south.

I feel like I have to book people in advance to see them. I'm still not sure how this happened. Months ago I was spending my weekends home alone playing video games and wondering if I made such a good choice moving here.

Going to see Macabre tomorrow night. They're one of the reasons I moved here. They rarely play anywhere outside the Midwest.

Got tickets to see Type O Negative the second week of April. I've seen them a few times in Boston but have been in the mood to see them again. They've got a great new CD that I've got to pick up.


Scary looking bastards