I hate hate FUCKING HATE talking on the phone for hours. I don't mind talking on the phone for brief conversations, messages or the making of plans but to just sit and gab and analyze every fucking thing is somewhat like slow torture.

Before I left J and I were our closest friends and spent most of our free time together. I moved to Chicago and I knew it would be hard on both of us. At first it was really hard on me and now it's hard on her. I do all I can to make her feel better, devoting hours of phonetime to get her to feel better, cheer her up and let her see the bright side of things.
If things were different I would have married her. She's been the kindest, most honest, most devoted woman I've ever dated but I would ultimately have been unhappy. She cares for me more than anyone else ever did (and still does) but there are certain things that makes us incompatible. She has clinical depression which goes very badly with my tendencies and bouts of depression. She wants a family, wants to settle down. I don't.
Initially when we broke up years ago we spent some time apart but got together as friends. Slowly that turned into lovers again and when she got attached we had a long talk about friendship and how we would continue. I've since made an effort to steer us away from anything in that area though she leaves hints every now and then.

She wants to come up here and celebrate my birthday. It's a good idea and one I'm not opposed to but I'm trying to maintain a distance between us. I want to be her friend but I don't want her to get the impression that I'm moving back. I know she keeps hoping for it and that's not going to happen. The more I push, the sadder she gets until I have to reconcile everything and cheer her up again. She takes this as something else and revives all the feelings she had.
It sucks because I like her but there's no way anything will happen between us. I've even told her that but I think she reserves a hope that it will. I don't want her to come because it would send the wrong message. I don't want us to always go running to each other when we're lonely. We live on opposite sides of the country, we need to make do.

I spent an hour on the phone with her discussing a potential move for teaching and when that ended she wanted to know why I didn't want her to come up. I could feel the time I had planned just to relax after work slowly leaking away and I just wanted to get the fuck off the phone.

I advised her to take the job or take another one but not to keep doing what she's doing. She's too overqualified and needs something to devote herself to. I think I'm the main thing on her mind and I'm hundreds of miles away. She doesn't want to lose her place, might not like the job, etc and I told her about me moving here and risks and all. I didn't want to come off as knowing everything when I'm still figuring shit out and have got my own problems but if I stayed in Boston and worried about the move I'd be in much worse shape than I am now. I think she needs some shaking up. That sounds really pompous considering all the whinging I've done here but it would help. She needs a change. She's lived in the same neighborhood in the same apartment since grad school while all her friends went off.

I would have her come up, I like seeing her but it would be awkward and give the wrong impression. I feel like shit about this because she's probably treated me better than anyone in my life and I want to be as good to her. I don't want to hurt her, I want to lessen her loneliness but I can't go back to Boston and do it. That's the only thing that would really end it.

When she asked who I was planning to spend my birthday with I told her the truth- no one. I'd like for someone to make the effort though. That's what I'm hoping. She wanted to know more so I told her everything. I told her about the dates I've had since I've gotten here, I told her they didn't work out, I told her about C, how I hardly ever see her anymore. I didn't tell her about KT though, if she found out I left for her I think that would be the end of our friendship.

When our grandparents returned from World War II they wanted to start families and protect their children from what they had to face. They endured terrible economic hardships and seen the worst of humanity and would do anything they could to keep their children from it. They returned home, bought homes, had families and children. It was the most prosperous time in this country's history.
Their children grew up to become the greediest, most self serving generation in this world's history. They took advantage of the prosperity to collect weath and kicked away the ladder, placing restrictions on any they want the same.
They used natural resources frivilously, leaving little for those that come after them.
While condemning the next generation for their permissiveness the acceptance of infidelity has become widespread and the rate of divorce has skyrocketed.
Drugs have been vilified. Why should their kids experiment as they did.? It may influence them to question and protest as they did.
Painting themselves as the martyrlike benefactors while condemning their kids, they shake their heads as their discontent, never realizing how they path they took has been ruptured in their wake.
Our society has become incredibly shallow and materialistic due to the oversaturation of advertising and oneupmanship that has been propagated wherever we look. Spoiled and coddled themselves, the baby boomers find themselves depressed, miserable and discontent as adults, a trait they pass on to their children.
Instant gratification has become the norm and they medicate themselves with over the counter narcotics then prescribe the same treatment the children.
Young children, not yet old enough to drive a car, go through puberty with the help of Luvox and Prozac, unable to learn from themselves. Their teachers and parents, saddled with rage, depression and alcoholism see them as just another problem child with permissive parents.
The child, unable to find relief in anything, is turned away wherever he goes. His parents, too caught up with themselves and the idea of their happy, placid son, never see what is really happening.

Confused, scared, and hurt, this happens




and it is blamed on this



and this



The metal band GWAR once appeared on the Jerry Springer show on an episode about the influence of music on children. A mother, her own son a huge fan of the band, was there to confront them. I'm sure the audience and the mother expected them to act like uncivilized beasts, much like the characters they play on stage. When she criticized them for promoting such behavior from children she was instead met with sensible reasoning. It is an outlet, she was told, and a healthy one at that. They "promote" clean, non aggressive fun. No one has ever been killed at a GWAR show. Most people leave very happy, if not a little sweaty. They're your kids, he said, you should watch over them and know them better and not blame his problems on musicians that have no contact with them.

My point: Take responsibility for your own kids and stop trying to find the easy way out.

As much as they'd like to disbelieve it, parents have the most influence on their children.

Dedicated to Eric Harris (4/20/99), Dylan Klebold (4/20/99), Kipland Kinkel, and any kid that never got to tell their side.

I ended up googling the name of a girl I used to ride the bus with in the early years in elementary school. I didn't like the girl, for our small town she was thought of as a criminal in training, which is why I wanted to see what happened to her. Her name came up in the alumni page of the high school in the town I grew up in. Interested, I looked further and saw that names of many kids I had gone to school with in Elementary school.

I grew up in a very calm, small New England town. I consider it my hometown though when I went back a few years ago I felt no connection with it. It's a fairly wealthy, elitist little burg that thankfully has changed little over the years. It has managed to stay free of all the chain stores or at least allowed less obtrusive versions.

I found the town page and the articles and opinions by those that grew up there or still reside there. One thing seems to be constant; the complaining disguised at humor that each contributor wrote about; who was "New Westport" and who was "Old Westport." Despite the fact that little had changed many people lament how much the town has changed and how outside interests are exploiting the town. I don't doubt that's true but it's to be expected as time passes. It's nothing new and happened to every generation down to the Mayflower setting foot on Plymouth Rock (though that incident was constructed.) Change is difficult to stop, sometimes impossible and groaning about it only shows how stagnant you are becoming. Compared to most of the world, Westport is beautiful. I thought I would hate it when I visited but I find myself missing it.



That's something I see everywhere. Long time residents bemoan the "new blood" coming into an area and ruining it. I heard about it in Memphis and I couldn't not hear about it in South Boston (those fuckers would be happy to see the schools resegrated and the Irish mob running the streets once again. Fuck change.)

USA Today, a shit newspaper only slightly better than the NY Post and the Boston Herald, ran a story about South Boston changing and the old timers bitching about how everything has changed. This comes on the heels of Ben Affleck filming a movie in the neighborhood. Talk about new blood, Affleck was raised in Northern CA and lived in Cambridge, a much more intellectual and costlier area than South Boston. The fact that he's playing up this South Boston image is a joke.
Lots of old duplexes are being bought up and turned into condos. It's the same formula seen in neighborhoods around the country- old time residents, tired of living hand to mouth in the city, take the big payoff to move out and leave their house to developers. Those that can't sell only grumble about yuppies and non-neighborhood types (re: those without a criminal record) "taking over their neighborhood."

Memphis, South Boston and Westport are all vastly different areas with very different people. Which proves some things are the same wherever you go. People cry about losing what they consider their history or what they perceive as their past. I learned this when I went back to see the house I grew up in renovated to twice it's size and the woods I used to play in cut down to make room for more houses. It was the perfect town to grow up in at the right time but that's long over.

It would be a lot easier to enjoy your life if there weren't so many things trying to kill you every day.

The problems start even before you're fully awake. There's the fall out of bed that kills 600 Americans each year. There's the early-morning heart attack, which is 40 percent more common than those that strike later in the day.
There's the fatal plunge down the stairs, the bite of sausage that gets lodged in your throat, the tumble on the slippery sidewalk as you leave the house, the high-speed automotive pinball game that is your daily commute.

That was the top story this morning on CNN. It ran all day until a few more bodies in Iraq pushed it to the bottom. After that grew old an in depth story of the world's busiest travel day going by without any problems. What happened to make that the headliner? Nothing. It was just a day of smooth traveling with no terrorists taking over planes, no air rage, no people pulled out of line for a contraband bag of Vitalis and Barbasol, just a day where travelers came home fat from a few days off. Nothing to worry about here...just your typical day...everything's ok...just go about your business.



My father sent me some more right wing propaganda comparing the crime rate and annual murders in California to the body count in Iraq. Here's a surprise- it's higher in California. So why worry about Iraq then? Exactly...

Calm down everyone, nothing to see here...

The unexpectedly busy holiday weekend continues.

Friday I went to see Tenacious D and hauled my ass over to UIC to see more college students than I've ever seen in my life. The weed was heavy in the air and the bubble headed girls had to act out every lyric to every song. Why is it that every girl does the "stripper dance" to any song? Does every girl have a hidden desire to be a stripper? I saw one do it at during Creeping Death at a Metallica show once. No shit. That's what I get for coming late and ending up too far from the stage.

Great show. Neil Hamburger opened. You know Neil Hamburger, the guy who tells jokes like "Why did Julia Roberts smear shit all over her vagiiiiiina? Because she was hoooooooorny," all in an irritating nasal tone between phlegmy coughs and hacks. Another good joke; "What do you call a senior citizen that is constantly flashing her wrinkled breasts? Madonna." Another? Ok. "Why won't Courtney Love have Cranberry Sauce at Christmas dinner? Because she'll be dead."
"Why won't Paris Hilton take a shit on Courtney Love's toilet? Because she's sitting on it dead."

That's what you hear for about half an hour, tired, shoulder to shoulder with chad and biff. His only purpose is to antagonize the crowd until they yell at him enough for him to lose it and bark out "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT! I SHOULD HAVE HELD A GUN TO YOUR MOTHER'S HEAD WHEN I FUCKED HER IN THE ASS SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR ABORTED FETUS SHIT STAINED MOUTHS! FUCK YOU!" Great hilarity ensued. Eventually things were being thrown at him until a coin hit the glass he was carrying and broke it. He walked off victoriously, his finger in the air.


Neil Hamburger

Tenacious D came out on a set made to look like KG's place. They started rocking out with Kielbasa in his living room, soon joined by their friend Lee. A third of the way into their set they electrocuted themselves and got sent to hell.


Tenacious D at KG's

Down comes a screen showing them in hell putting together a band made up of Col. Sanders on drums, Charlie Chaplin on bass and the Anti Christ on guitar. If you saw the movie it's supposed to make sense. I didn't (yet).



They played almost all their songs; Jesus Ranch, Dio, Explosivo, Wonderboy and all of their new album; The Government Totally Sucks, Master Exploder, Car Chase City and came out for an encore that included Tribute and a Tommy medley.



Great show, better than most bands I've seen. Better than System of a Down, better than Fantomas, better than Butthole Surfers, better than Motorhead (it was an off night).

Eventually Beelzebub came out and they had a rock off before JB started singing about how great metal is.

I gathered enough food to keep me inside for the long four day weekend. The week before you may remember I went out and got several games and was certain I would have enough to keep me entertained over this long weekend. I have a ticket to see Tenacious D on Friday and, other than a vague offer to hang out with someone, I didn't see myself going out very much this weekend. I wanted to sleep late, play video games and eat whenever I liked.
Tuesday night I get a late night phone call from a woman telling me she's returned from her vacation in Mexico. Half asleep, I tell her how great it is that she's back and she offers to get together. Her number doesn't show up on my cell and I don't recognize her voice. I piece together what she's telling me and I remember it's a woman I met online and had a temporary correspondence. She was married but estranged as she cheated on her husband and didn't want to be with him anymore. When she blamed it on him "not exciting her anymore" I called her on it and explained that that's no reason for cheating and marriage is not always easy. We had a shaky coversation since then and I put her out of my mind. I don't want to get involved with a woman that thinks so loosely on committment and rationalizes her infidelity.
I had a lot of time this weekend and we did have some great conversations so I accepted her offer. We met last night and had a great time. She is very midwest- cute, domestic, even has a faint hint of the accent. She reminds me of Nancy from years ago.
Today she came over and brought me a turkey dinner. It was wonderful, just what I needed.
Now I'm wondering what I'm doing. I'm not sure if she's someone I should involve myself with, even if she wasn't married. She's cool but I'm really not the type of person that fits with a small town midwest type of girl. I'll just play it by ear.

Thanksgiving is a good idea, a day where people spend time with the people closest to them and enjoy a feast but it never turns out that way. Today's families always end up fighting and uncomfortable. Greed and self centeredness draws people away from each other and I know few people who actually look forward to spending a day with their family without emotionally preparing themselves to face it. Only now is my family able to manage the holidays without altercations.
My family is not meeting this year. We usually meet at my married brother's house but he is spending it with his inlaws. Neither my oldest brother or father have any desire to invite everyone over and make a spread. If we were to meet we would most likely end up going to a restaurant which we did once before and is, well, depressing. I do my best not to do any traveling this week in any case. Same with shopping. I'm staying home and relaxing when the holiday mania starts.
The fact that Thanksgiving as we imagine it, with Pilgrims sitting down and sharing food with Native Americans most likely never happened and, if it did, was the prelude before the massacre of the indigineous people by the new settlers also makes the holiday that much more unnecessary. Many Native Americans still consider this a day of mourning the land taken from them as well as the lives of their ancestors. It is no celebration.

I've really let things go by the wayside. The days have gotten shorter and colder and, as is my habit, I've become less active. I've begun hibernating. I go to work, come home, have dinner, play video games and that's usually it. My exercising has slowed, my diet has become cheaper and I get lazier. My writing has almost stopped and though I did all my laundry last night my room is too cluttered. I'm working on saving my files on this computer for the big wipe. I recovered them when I got the computer back but since he didn't fix the problems I'm going to do it myself, delete everything and start over. My tv still doesn't get channels either but I don't care about that.
Though I've gotten sharper I've been thinking too much. In fact I think constantly, which can be a problem if you're as analytical as I am. Most of the time I consider my problems and what I can do to make them better. If I don't I just feel like shit.
Granted, I've gotten a lot done- more than I could have hoped- but there's a lot more way to do.

I haven't had health insurance for years. I haven't needed it but it would be nice to go the dentist.

Sometimes I think my financial situation is pretty pathetic. I've never really been wanting for money, but I've never saved enough either. I think most people my age feel the same way but I'm not sure. I'm not struggling but I'm not particularly happy with everything either. At least I'm making more now than I have for years. I worry about retirement. I wonder if I've put away enough and then wonder why should I care since I won't make it to retirement anyway.

I don't have many friends but I'm happier than I have been and find it easier to talk to and approach people.

I feel like I've aged so much this past year. My emotional state has definitely aged. I've cut my hair so short you can see I've lost some in front and now I worry I may be losing some on top. I can't tell. I really only care when I look in the mirror. I like the feel of short hair but it's freaky seeing me looking so old. I'm growing a beard out so I look even older.

Of course I'm much harder on myself than I am on anyone else.

I don't think most people have anything too exceptional to shoot for in their lives. Most just want to start a family or make money or be happy. Some want to be doctors or aspire to something but not all. Those that do gain satisfaction from working to get to where they want even if they never attain it. That's why college is so great. You know that's where you should be. The future isn't set yet and you don't know if you will or won't make it. You expect you will, you know you will, so everything is perfect. For that set of years you're right where you should be, doing what's expected of you.
On your own you struggle to get where you want to be, not really certain if you'll ever make it. Few of us do. I still don't and worry about it constantly. I worry I won't ever do what I want to do and enjoy working to get there but I think that worry is too much for some people and we end up settling. We look for happiness and security. Most find a good, stable job and comfort in marriage or a family, telling ourselves being a good father and husband is goal enough.
I once thought that way and tried it but it didn't work. It hardly lasted more than a few months but the happiness I felt in those months was wonderful. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I know it's not what I was meant to do and I've got to keep struggling. I'm sure I'll struggle for the rest of my life in one way or another.

Also, some of the work I've done on a textbook will be published so my work will be published. Pretty cool, eh? I'm going to say it's the first of many.

Music I'm listening to: X Under the Big Black Sun and Chaimillionaire Ridin' Dirty.