I hate hate FUCKING HATE talking on the phone for hours. I don't mind talking on the phone for brief conversations, messages or the making of plans but to just sit and gab and analyze every fucking thing is somewhat like slow torture.

Before I left J and I were our closest friends and spent most of our free time together. I moved to Chicago and I knew it would be hard on both of us. At first it was really hard on me and now it's hard on her. I do all I can to make her feel better, devoting hours of phonetime to get her to feel better, cheer her up and let her see the bright side of things.
If things were different I would have married her. She's been the kindest, most honest, most devoted woman I've ever dated but I would ultimately have been unhappy. She cares for me more than anyone else ever did (and still does) but there are certain things that makes us incompatible. She has clinical depression which goes very badly with my tendencies and bouts of depression. She wants a family, wants to settle down. I don't.
Initially when we broke up years ago we spent some time apart but got together as friends. Slowly that turned into lovers again and when she got attached we had a long talk about friendship and how we would continue. I've since made an effort to steer us away from anything in that area though she leaves hints every now and then.

She wants to come up here and celebrate my birthday. It's a good idea and one I'm not opposed to but I'm trying to maintain a distance between us. I want to be her friend but I don't want her to get the impression that I'm moving back. I know she keeps hoping for it and that's not going to happen. The more I push, the sadder she gets until I have to reconcile everything and cheer her up again. She takes this as something else and revives all the feelings she had.
It sucks because I like her but there's no way anything will happen between us. I've even told her that but I think she reserves a hope that it will. I don't want her to come because it would send the wrong message. I don't want us to always go running to each other when we're lonely. We live on opposite sides of the country, we need to make do.

I spent an hour on the phone with her discussing a potential move for teaching and when that ended she wanted to know why I didn't want her to come up. I could feel the time I had planned just to relax after work slowly leaking away and I just wanted to get the fuck off the phone.

I advised her to take the job or take another one but not to keep doing what she's doing. She's too overqualified and needs something to devote herself to. I think I'm the main thing on her mind and I'm hundreds of miles away. She doesn't want to lose her place, might not like the job, etc and I told her about me moving here and risks and all. I didn't want to come off as knowing everything when I'm still figuring shit out and have got my own problems but if I stayed in Boston and worried about the move I'd be in much worse shape than I am now. I think she needs some shaking up. That sounds really pompous considering all the whinging I've done here but it would help. She needs a change. She's lived in the same neighborhood in the same apartment since grad school while all her friends went off.

I would have her come up, I like seeing her but it would be awkward and give the wrong impression. I feel like shit about this because she's probably treated me better than anyone in my life and I want to be as good to her. I don't want to hurt her, I want to lessen her loneliness but I can't go back to Boston and do it. That's the only thing that would really end it.

When she asked who I was planning to spend my birthday with I told her the truth- no one. I'd like for someone to make the effort though. That's what I'm hoping. She wanted to know more so I told her everything. I told her about the dates I've had since I've gotten here, I told her they didn't work out, I told her about C, how I hardly ever see her anymore. I didn't tell her about KT though, if she found out I left for her I think that would be the end of our friendship.