I'm not sure what to say about this year that I haven't gone over enough. I do my best to stay away from end of the year reflections and pointless reminiscing. I will say this has been one of the most eventful years of my life. So much has changed that it's difficult to know where to begin.
I will say this; I don't make resolutions. I never have. It's lazy and unnecessary. If I want to change something about myself I do it immediately. I don't look for faults at once and list them in the hopes of changing. There's a lot about me I don't like and I'm continually trying to improve myself in every way. This year I believe I succeeded in that a great deal.
I think more clearly and have a great focus on my life. I am easier with myself and with others and am able to get a lot more accomplished. I'm not as spontaneous as I once was and think things through instead of blindly jumping. I'm a much better writer, in this area I may have made the most improvement and I'm more certain about my future.
I'm a much better boyfriend but don't date women I know aren't right for me. I'm more selective but enjoy dating more. I've reconnected with friends and have a larger group of friends than I'm used to.
I've become less materialistic and now only have a few things I don't need. I've pared down much of what I've owned and the mental relief of not having so much tying you down is difficult to describe. It's almost a physical sensation.

Lately I've found myself thinking about KT again. It's nothing more than residual feelings, I'm almost as disappointed in myself for not seeing through her as I am at her for her selfishness. I'm mostly upset that she never fully understood all that has happened. In her mind she's innocent and did what was best for her. At least I could feel that way about someone. There was a time when I doubted I'd ever feel so deeply about anyone so I'm thankful for that.

More to tell. Hopefully I will post later.

H, a friend of mine from Boston, contacted me a few days ago. I hadn't talked to him in years, ever since he left to join the military. He was at a crossroads; his girlfriend had gotten pregnant and he had just lost his job and with little experience, not even a US citizenship, he had little choices. I assumed he had gone to Iraq and, he told me, at one point he was set to be deployed but it was cancelled. Now he is scheduled to go in February.
Anyone remember when the deployment in Iraq was expected to be a short commitment and now we are planning months and months ahead of time?
He looked me up because he's in Boston for a while and wanted to get together. When I got in touch with him I told him the whole story. Boston's getting old, he says, as soon as he gets back from Iraq, he wants to move elsewhere. This led to me giving a long talk about the advantages of Chicago and now he wants to come up and visit. He's easily persuaded, which is why he joined the military in the first place.
Boston seems to me to be the training wheels for city living. It's not a harsh, not as crowded and not as recognized as a top tier city. Bostonians will doubt this claim but I always thought of it as
remedial New York in a way. I'd never live in New York but Boston is good practice if you're going to.

B wrote to me also. He's my oldest and one of my closest friends. He's married now and has at least one kid, a son. I think he has a daughter now as well. We hadn't talked in a while until a few months ago when I sought him out and wrote him a long letter. I plan to keep in touch, if only by email. He's got an awesome wife too; cute, sweet, honest and devoted. As a bonus, her family is from New York and were connected at one point too. If anyone deserves such a person B does, I know he's gone through some bad relationships as well. Gives us hope.

I just realized I haven't left the apartment in days. After I realized I wouldn't go see my family, there was little to go out for during the holidays and though I'd like to go out and do some things my main concerns are getting into grad school, finding a better job that fits with school, writing and planning on buying a condo. Any time out of the apartment takes away from those.
My beard has grown and I look a little like Saddam Hussein. Never mind the fact that I look nothing like him at all and my beard isn't even a quarter of the length, I do have the grey streak.
Been invited to a New Year's Eve party. I may go but I'm not sure. C is probably working and though I've hardly done anything at all on previous New Year's Eves I think I'd feel it was wasted.

-I went to a large get together where everyone met to dance and get to know each other. No one was talking, just sitting alone like kids at a school dance. While there I started reading a Newsweek that had a story of the helicopter pilot that flew the president to the air force base to get on Air Force One. It had a double page spread of the helicopter taking off with Bush in the back surrounded by stuffed animals and two kids. You could hardly see Bush's face around the pandas and elephants.

-While everyone was outside a fighter jet was escorting a smoking 747. While I watched the smoke turned the plane into a giant ball of fire that exploded. Burning bodies could be seen falling to the ground.

When I miss a day (or few) posting here you can believe it's one of a few things;

-I'm busy.
-I'm lazy.
-I've got too many other things to worry about.
-Photoshop is fucked up and I'd rather not post anything than not have the picture the post is relying on.

In this case it's a little bit of all these things.

I've been wondering what direction I should go with this place. I'm not going to write the boring bullshit of every day and become one of those blogs. I don't have the energy or desire to continue that way.
I'll write here every once in a while, either talking about something I'm interested in, music, writers and I may even write something funny. I'll still talk about my life but I won't if nothing is going on.

Words That Have Been Ruined

-Fondling You can't fondle your girlfriend or wife without sounding like a pedophile anymore. -Hero You are not a hero if you have a disease. You are if you cure a disease. You are not heroic if you die early in a car wreck, you're just a victim. The firefighters that sacrificed their lives to get others out are heroes. The ones that died are victims.
-Bump It's not a "bump," it's a human fucking being. Not even born yet and you're already neglecting it.
-Emissions Yep.

A study is out that says the amount of premarital sex has remained steady since the forties. This means our grandparents were as sluttty as we are.

My last day at this job is Friday. My contract is up and I'm going to work on my own stuff and put some stories out in the interim. I'll look for something else eventually but I may take some time off but probably not.

I wish I could sleep through every Sunday, put me in catatonic sleep of freeze me so I don't waste 1/7th of my life on this day. Life is not all fun and I know there are much more difficult circumstances than being bored but the problem is I tend to get too philosophical on this day. Where it comes from, I don't know but I can do without it.

Writing is coming along today but nothing is easy on Sundays. This is the Helen Hunt of days; bland, semi attractive, inoffensive but not something you'd look forward to.

This is the day to remedy hangovers, pine (or malign) over past loves, finish tedious chores and fall asleep unsatisfied.

Things I did today;

-Wrote some of my book.
-Cleaned my room.
-Updated my resume.
-Started writing a serial I may never finish.
-Read a book, started another.
-Played with Jabez.
-Talked to my dad and brothers, told them I probably wouldn't be home for Christmas.
-Played Bully.
-Made a playlist for my ipod.
-Checked out real estate prices for homes and condos in the area.


This the the Jaw Bra, it helps people recovering from plastic surgery. It is all Sundays.

I always feel like I'm putting things off because, for the most part, I am. I tend to lose track of time and opportunities and then look back and see what little I've accomplished. Lately I've stopped that but it's too easy to fall back to old ways.
I have so many things I need to do. I am going to update my resume and start looking for a new (better) job. This week I learned my job's not secure and they probably won't renew my contract which is both good and bad. I like the place and most of the people and have been doing well there (my performance isn't in question, they simply overhired) but I'm not around to be a glorified office boy. Ten years ago I would have been satisfied with it, now I'm not. I'll stick around as long as they need me but look for something else in the meantime.
I need to do some Christmas shopping but I doubt I'll do that soon. I reserved today to spend most of the time shopping for the few people I shop for but I realized the four places I wanted to go are in four completely different sections of the city, miles apart and would take all day to get to them. The people I shop for aren't concerned about deadlines, almost every year we exchange gifts in early January because none of us like the seasonal rush. There's so much I want to get done today that it would do me better just to stay home and cross some of it off my list.
I have a lot of writing ideas I need to get to work on, some of which I'm going to propose to some weeklies here in town. If they accept, which I have a good feeling they will, I will get those going soon. If they don't I'm going to get to work on them anyway just to stay sharp and have it around for whenever it's needed.
My brother is graduating today and I swore I would come see him if he ever did but I'm not there. I really didn't plan at all for this holiday season (another example of procrastination) and most likely won't be traveling at all. I feel bad about not seeing him and worse about not doing what I said I would do. No excuse, really. I hope the degree helps him out some. He seems to have been stuck in a rut for years, something I know too well.
Years ago I wrote a piece about this man who squandered his life. It was in the form of a short diary he posts every year or so and, though he aspired to do great things, he never actually got around to any of them. Life just got away from him and began to lead him rather than him directing it. It wasn't based on anyone but pieces of people's live and the mistakes they've regretted along the way. It could have been the outline for a larger story, similar to Something Happened, Joseph Heller's novel about a WWII vet coming home and not being able to handle his own life.
I wrote it for fun and hardly showed it to anyone. It wasn't anything great, just something I peeled off quickly that I find myself rereading it every now and again. Now that I'm 33 I read the entry for that year and I'm far from the direction he went.
It was my birthday yesterday and K and I went out to see For Your Consideration. Neither of us planned it until the last moment as I wasn't sure what I wanted to do until then. We had a great evening though; dinner at Billy Goat, walking around the city and the movie. I haven't spent a lot of time downtown at night, last night was my first time in months and I'm taken with how beautiful the city is. The architecture is beautiful, everything is designed so perfectly. Downtown by the river, with the Christmas lights and everyone just happy to be out with friends, it makes me so thankful that I moved. It makes me thankful for a lot of things. I find myself slipping into the cynicism that I spent too much energy on and I often forget how great things are.
Going up to meet K, I got on the Santa Express, one car of the L covered in tinsel, wreaths, lights and fake snow. Between the cars there was a Santa sitting in a sleigh with his helpers wishing everyone at the stop a Merry Christmas. Onboard the train they were giving away candy canes, the lights were dimmed and red and green filled the car. It's something they do every year, though with only one car, not a lot of people see it much less ride it. K said it was one of the things that made her fall in love with the city when she first moved here. I have to agree, for all my brooding I couldn't help but think it's a great idea. Everyone seemed so happy onboard. Kids were laughing, couples were taking pictures and of course half the people were on their phones; "You won't believe this shit, guess where I am..."

My check finally came in the mail. Nothing else, just a check. No letter acknowledging the accident, nothing even naming me. I know it's old and I need to get over but it just burns me. I've looked at this from every angle and the only thing I can do it put it behind me. I've looked at every option possible and there was nothing I could do that I haven't done. No lawyer would touch the case, as U Haul are well known for skirting litigation and are used to paying out insurance settlements when one of their trucks blows up. Strange that a company that endangers so many of it's customers is still in business.
I used to dwell on everything and this would have driven me mad with rage. I have even considered retaliating against them but I know that would only put me in a worst state than I'm in. Like too much at that time, there was nothing I could do but sit and take it. =What I got is not nearly what I lost, it barely even covers the few replacements I had to get and the fact that I didn't even get an apology, an acknowledgement or even a chance to speak with those responsible infuriates me incredibly. I can only hope for a very slow and very painful torturous death for all those responsible. If I had a chance to do anything I wanted to them I would destroy everything they owned and all they have. Then I would deal with them.

I'm not going to get violent and I'm going to stop going on about this because I have nowhere to direct what I feel.
It's a fucked up world where people can get away with shit like that.

Found out today my time at my job will most likely end before the end of the month. The reason is they overhired and the project I came on for was greatly reduced, though I'm skeptical.

A shitty, stressful day. Spent hours on a project only to be too late to return to work and ended up getting stuck on an overcrowded train platform while lines were down. Someone had died on the tracks, slowly everyone's commute home. I wonder if any of those people knew why they were late? I wonder if that person knew how many lives he affected when he ended his life? I wonder if that was the most influential thing he ever did? I wonder if the guy on the train that told me this was lying?