I always feel like I'm putting things off because, for the most part, I am. I tend to lose track of time and opportunities and then look back and see what little I've accomplished. Lately I've stopped that but it's too easy to fall back to old ways.
I have so many things I need to do. I am going to update my resume and start looking for a new (better) job. This week I learned my job's not secure and they probably won't renew my contract which is both good and bad. I like the place and most of the people and have been doing well there (my performance isn't in question, they simply overhired) but I'm not around to be a glorified office boy. Ten years ago I would have been satisfied with it, now I'm not. I'll stick around as long as they need me but look for something else in the meantime.
I need to do some Christmas shopping but I doubt I'll do that soon. I reserved today to spend most of the time shopping for the few people I shop for but I realized the four places I wanted to go are in four completely different sections of the city, miles apart and would take all day to get to them. The people I shop for aren't concerned about deadlines, almost every year we exchange gifts in early January because none of us like the seasonal rush. There's so much I want to get done today that it would do me better just to stay home and cross some of it off my list.
I have a lot of writing ideas I need to get to work on, some of which I'm going to propose to some weeklies here in town. If they accept, which I have a good feeling they will, I will get those going soon. If they don't I'm going to get to work on them anyway just to stay sharp and have it around for whenever it's needed.
My brother is graduating today and I swore I would come see him if he ever did but I'm not there. I really didn't plan at all for this holiday season (another example of procrastination) and most likely won't be traveling at all. I feel bad about not seeing him and worse about not doing what I said I would do. No excuse, really. I hope the degree helps him out some. He seems to have been stuck in a rut for years, something I know too well.
Years ago I wrote a piece about this man who squandered his life. It was in the form of a short diary he posts every year or so and, though he aspired to do great things, he never actually got around to any of them. Life just got away from him and began to lead him rather than him directing it. It wasn't based on anyone but pieces of people's live and the mistakes they've regretted along the way. It could have been the outline for a larger story, similar to Something Happened, Joseph Heller's novel about a WWII vet coming home and not being able to handle his own life.
I wrote it for fun and hardly showed it to anyone. It wasn't anything great, just something I peeled off quickly that I find myself rereading it every now and again. Now that I'm 33 I read the entry for that year and I'm far from the direction he went.
It was my birthday yesterday and K and I went out to see For Your Consideration. Neither of us planned it until the last moment as I wasn't sure what I wanted to do until then. We had a great evening though; dinner at Billy Goat, walking around the city and the movie. I haven't spent a lot of time downtown at night, last night was my first time in months and I'm taken with how beautiful the city is. The architecture is beautiful, everything is designed so perfectly. Downtown by the river, with the Christmas lights and everyone just happy to be out with friends, it makes me so thankful that I moved. It makes me thankful for a lot of things. I find myself slipping into the cynicism that I spent too much energy on and I often forget how great things are.
Going up to meet K, I got on the Santa Express, one car of the L covered in tinsel, wreaths, lights and fake snow. Between the cars there was a Santa sitting in a sleigh with his helpers wishing everyone at the stop a Merry Christmas. Onboard the train they were giving away candy canes, the lights were dimmed and red and green filled the car. It's something they do every year, though with only one car, not a lot of people see it much less ride it. K said it was one of the things that made her fall in love with the city when she first moved here. I have to agree, for all my brooding I couldn't help but think it's a great idea. Everyone seemed so happy onboard. Kids were laughing, couples were taking pictures and of course half the people were on their phones; "You won't believe this shit, guess where I am..."