I'm not sure what to say about this year that I haven't gone over enough. I do my best to stay away from end of the year reflections and pointless reminiscing. I will say this has been one of the most eventful years of my life. So much has changed that it's difficult to know where to begin.
I will say this; I don't make resolutions. I never have. It's lazy and unnecessary. If I want to change something about myself I do it immediately. I don't look for faults at once and list them in the hopes of changing. There's a lot about me I don't like and I'm continually trying to improve myself in every way. This year I believe I succeeded in that a great deal.
I think more clearly and have a great focus on my life. I am easier with myself and with others and am able to get a lot more accomplished. I'm not as spontaneous as I once was and think things through instead of blindly jumping. I'm a much better writer, in this area I may have made the most improvement and I'm more certain about my future.
I'm a much better boyfriend but don't date women I know aren't right for me. I'm more selective but enjoy dating more. I've reconnected with friends and have a larger group of friends than I'm used to.
I've become less materialistic and now only have a few things I don't need. I've pared down much of what I've owned and the mental relief of not having so much tying you down is difficult to describe. It's almost a physical sensation.

Lately I've found myself thinking about KT again. It's nothing more than residual feelings, I'm almost as disappointed in myself for not seeing through her as I am at her for her selfishness. I'm mostly upset that she never fully understood all that has happened. In her mind she's innocent and did what was best for her. At least I could feel that way about someone. There was a time when I doubted I'd ever feel so deeply about anyone so I'm thankful for that.

More to tell. Hopefully I will post later.

H, a friend of mine from Boston, contacted me a few days ago. I hadn't talked to him in years, ever since he left to join the military. He was at a crossroads; his girlfriend had gotten pregnant and he had just lost his job and with little experience, not even a US citizenship, he had little choices. I assumed he had gone to Iraq and, he told me, at one point he was set to be deployed but it was cancelled. Now he is scheduled to go in February.
Anyone remember when the deployment in Iraq was expected to be a short commitment and now we are planning months and months ahead of time?
He looked me up because he's in Boston for a while and wanted to get together. When I got in touch with him I told him the whole story. Boston's getting old, he says, as soon as he gets back from Iraq, he wants to move elsewhere. This led to me giving a long talk about the advantages of Chicago and now he wants to come up and visit. He's easily persuaded, which is why he joined the military in the first place.
Boston seems to me to be the training wheels for city living. It's not a harsh, not as crowded and not as recognized as a top tier city. Bostonians will doubt this claim but I always thought of it as
remedial New York in a way. I'd never live in New York but Boston is good practice if you're going to.

B wrote to me also. He's my oldest and one of my closest friends. He's married now and has at least one kid, a son. I think he has a daughter now as well. We hadn't talked in a while until a few months ago when I sought him out and wrote him a long letter. I plan to keep in touch, if only by email. He's got an awesome wife too; cute, sweet, honest and devoted. As a bonus, her family is from New York and were connected at one point too. If anyone deserves such a person B does, I know he's gone through some bad relationships as well. Gives us hope.

I just realized I haven't left the apartment in days. After I realized I wouldn't go see my family, there was little to go out for during the holidays and though I'd like to go out and do some things my main concerns are getting into grad school, finding a better job that fits with school, writing and planning on buying a condo. Any time out of the apartment takes away from those.
My beard has grown and I look a little like Saddam Hussein. Never mind the fact that I look nothing like him at all and my beard isn't even a quarter of the length, I do have the grey streak.
Been invited to a New Year's Eve party. I may go but I'm not sure. C is probably working and though I've hardly done anything at all on previous New Year's Eves I think I'd feel it was wasted.

-I went to a large get together where everyone met to dance and get to know each other. No one was talking, just sitting alone like kids at a school dance. While there I started reading a Newsweek that had a story of the helicopter pilot that flew the president to the air force base to get on Air Force One. It had a double page spread of the helicopter taking off with Bush in the back surrounded by stuffed animals and two kids. You could hardly see Bush's face around the pandas and elephants.

-While everyone was outside a fighter jet was escorting a smoking 747. While I watched the smoke turned the plane into a giant ball of fire that exploded. Burning bodies could be seen falling to the ground.

When I miss a day (or few) posting here you can believe it's one of a few things;

-I'm busy.
-I'm lazy.
-I've got too many other things to worry about.
-Photoshop is fucked up and I'd rather not post anything than not have the picture the post is relying on.

In this case it's a little bit of all these things.

I've been wondering what direction I should go with this place. I'm not going to write the boring bullshit of every day and become one of those blogs. I don't have the energy or desire to continue that way.
I'll write here every once in a while, either talking about something I'm interested in, music, writers and I may even write something funny. I'll still talk about my life but I won't if nothing is going on.

Words That Have Been Ruined

-Fondling You can't fondle your girlfriend or wife without sounding like a pedophile anymore. -Hero You are not a hero if you have a disease. You are if you cure a disease. You are not heroic if you die early in a car wreck, you're just a victim. The firefighters that sacrificed their lives to get others out are heroes. The ones that died are victims.
-Bump It's not a "bump," it's a human fucking being. Not even born yet and you're already neglecting it.
-Emissions Yep.

A study is out that says the amount of premarital sex has remained steady since the forties. This means our grandparents were as sluttty as we are.

My last day at this job is Friday. My contract is up and I'm going to work on my own stuff and put some stories out in the interim. I'll look for something else eventually but I may take some time off but probably not.

I wish I could sleep through every Sunday, put me in catatonic sleep of freeze me so I don't waste 1/7th of my life on this day. Life is not all fun and I know there are much more difficult circumstances than being bored but the problem is I tend to get too philosophical on this day. Where it comes from, I don't know but I can do without it.

Writing is coming along today but nothing is easy on Sundays. This is the Helen Hunt of days; bland, semi attractive, inoffensive but not something you'd look forward to.

This is the day to remedy hangovers, pine (or malign) over past loves, finish tedious chores and fall asleep unsatisfied.

Things I did today;

-Wrote some of my book.
-Cleaned my room.
-Updated my resume.
-Started writing a serial I may never finish.
-Read a book, started another.
-Played with Jabez.
-Talked to my dad and brothers, told them I probably wouldn't be home for Christmas.
-Played Bully.
-Made a playlist for my ipod.
-Checked out real estate prices for homes and condos in the area.


This the the Jaw Bra, it helps people recovering from plastic surgery. It is all Sundays.

I always feel like I'm putting things off because, for the most part, I am. I tend to lose track of time and opportunities and then look back and see what little I've accomplished. Lately I've stopped that but it's too easy to fall back to old ways.
I have so many things I need to do. I am going to update my resume and start looking for a new (better) job. This week I learned my job's not secure and they probably won't renew my contract which is both good and bad. I like the place and most of the people and have been doing well there (my performance isn't in question, they simply overhired) but I'm not around to be a glorified office boy. Ten years ago I would have been satisfied with it, now I'm not. I'll stick around as long as they need me but look for something else in the meantime.
I need to do some Christmas shopping but I doubt I'll do that soon. I reserved today to spend most of the time shopping for the few people I shop for but I realized the four places I wanted to go are in four completely different sections of the city, miles apart and would take all day to get to them. The people I shop for aren't concerned about deadlines, almost every year we exchange gifts in early January because none of us like the seasonal rush. There's so much I want to get done today that it would do me better just to stay home and cross some of it off my list.
I have a lot of writing ideas I need to get to work on, some of which I'm going to propose to some weeklies here in town. If they accept, which I have a good feeling they will, I will get those going soon. If they don't I'm going to get to work on them anyway just to stay sharp and have it around for whenever it's needed.
My brother is graduating today and I swore I would come see him if he ever did but I'm not there. I really didn't plan at all for this holiday season (another example of procrastination) and most likely won't be traveling at all. I feel bad about not seeing him and worse about not doing what I said I would do. No excuse, really. I hope the degree helps him out some. He seems to have been stuck in a rut for years, something I know too well.
Years ago I wrote a piece about this man who squandered his life. It was in the form of a short diary he posts every year or so and, though he aspired to do great things, he never actually got around to any of them. Life just got away from him and began to lead him rather than him directing it. It wasn't based on anyone but pieces of people's live and the mistakes they've regretted along the way. It could have been the outline for a larger story, similar to Something Happened, Joseph Heller's novel about a WWII vet coming home and not being able to handle his own life.
I wrote it for fun and hardly showed it to anyone. It wasn't anything great, just something I peeled off quickly that I find myself rereading it every now and again. Now that I'm 33 I read the entry for that year and I'm far from the direction he went.
It was my birthday yesterday and K and I went out to see For Your Consideration. Neither of us planned it until the last moment as I wasn't sure what I wanted to do until then. We had a great evening though; dinner at Billy Goat, walking around the city and the movie. I haven't spent a lot of time downtown at night, last night was my first time in months and I'm taken with how beautiful the city is. The architecture is beautiful, everything is designed so perfectly. Downtown by the river, with the Christmas lights and everyone just happy to be out with friends, it makes me so thankful that I moved. It makes me thankful for a lot of things. I find myself slipping into the cynicism that I spent too much energy on and I often forget how great things are.
Going up to meet K, I got on the Santa Express, one car of the L covered in tinsel, wreaths, lights and fake snow. Between the cars there was a Santa sitting in a sleigh with his helpers wishing everyone at the stop a Merry Christmas. Onboard the train they were giving away candy canes, the lights were dimmed and red and green filled the car. It's something they do every year, though with only one car, not a lot of people see it much less ride it. K said it was one of the things that made her fall in love with the city when she first moved here. I have to agree, for all my brooding I couldn't help but think it's a great idea. Everyone seemed so happy onboard. Kids were laughing, couples were taking pictures and of course half the people were on their phones; "You won't believe this shit, guess where I am..."

My check finally came in the mail. Nothing else, just a check. No letter acknowledging the accident, nothing even naming me. I know it's old and I need to get over but it just burns me. I've looked at this from every angle and the only thing I can do it put it behind me. I've looked at every option possible and there was nothing I could do that I haven't done. No lawyer would touch the case, as U Haul are well known for skirting litigation and are used to paying out insurance settlements when one of their trucks blows up. Strange that a company that endangers so many of it's customers is still in business.
I used to dwell on everything and this would have driven me mad with rage. I have even considered retaliating against them but I know that would only put me in a worst state than I'm in. Like too much at that time, there was nothing I could do but sit and take it. =What I got is not nearly what I lost, it barely even covers the few replacements I had to get and the fact that I didn't even get an apology, an acknowledgement or even a chance to speak with those responsible infuriates me incredibly. I can only hope for a very slow and very painful torturous death for all those responsible. If I had a chance to do anything I wanted to them I would destroy everything they owned and all they have. Then I would deal with them.

I'm not going to get violent and I'm going to stop going on about this because I have nowhere to direct what I feel.
It's a fucked up world where people can get away with shit like that.

Found out today my time at my job will most likely end before the end of the month. The reason is they overhired and the project I came on for was greatly reduced, though I'm skeptical.

A shitty, stressful day. Spent hours on a project only to be too late to return to work and ended up getting stuck on an overcrowded train platform while lines were down. Someone had died on the tracks, slowly everyone's commute home. I wonder if any of those people knew why they were late? I wonder if that person knew how many lives he affected when he ended his life? I wonder if that was the most influential thing he ever did? I wonder if the guy on the train that told me this was lying?

I ate at Portillo's for lunch yesterday after I was jonesing for some really salty fries and a shake. It was a good lunch, a short break from an otherwise busy day and, as I was walking back I was thinking how far I had come. It was one of those moments, those too brief and too rare times, when it just seems there are no problems at all. For someone who's constantly moaning about far too much, it was a relief.
I have a job, one I like and can see myself staying with for a while. I like the people I work with and in the few short months I've been here I've made more friends than I had before I left. I'm more comfortable with myself and get along much easier with others. I have a lot to accomplish but have definitely rebounded from where I was. I'm not longer in the negative, all I do from here on out will be more than I hoped for.
I'm looking into clubs to do stand up and places to send stories. My book is still coming along, although it has slowed considerably. Unfortunately, with all that I've done I don't have as much time to do all I had planned. I am more careful about scheduling my time.
It is winter, grey and wet. It has gotten warmer than the cold temperatures that were here last week and I'm sure it will get colder than that but the days are short. I find myself tired far too much and have been tempted to crawl into bed the first chance I get. Twice I have done so and lost hours of the day that I had planned to accomplish some things. I don't want time to pass as quickly as I did in Boston. I want to make the most of what I can do and I plan to do that.
I am far ahead of where I was before June and now I want to do all that I can do. I've found a lot of talent in myself that I feel is being wasted and would hate to let it go unused. Without wanting to, I've tested myself and came out better than I would have believed. I need to push myself further.
I suppose there is where I would have ended this site. It was meant to be something to show all the hard times I've been through and how things turned out from there, but I'm not going to end it. I'll try to write as much as possible because I enjoy looking back and reading what I've written but things have definitely turned. Less than six months after everything happened I'm much better off.

I've been seeing K a lot. Although she's in another department, she works with me and we spend a lot of time talking or emailing. I went to her place last night where we went to a Mexican restaurant nearby.
I've also gotten back in touch with C. I inadvertently found a movie online she was in years ago and I felt like I shouldn't just give up on our friendship. I've done that too often and lost too many friends. I figured she would call me if she wanted to get together but she didn't so I called her. We ended up having a long conversation and made plans to meet this week. Her schedule is cramped as always and I don't have nearly as much time as I did so we'll see what happens. I think we both think the other doesn't want to see us. She most likely didn't call for the same reason I didn't.

I'm not going to try to title every posting with a song title. I will do it when it applies but trying to find a song to fit every posting is gimmicky and lame.

It's much easier to make friends here and I find it easier to meet people without being looked at with scorn or suspicion, which everyone on the East Coast does when approached by a stranger.

Most of the people I meet are recent transplants as well. Most of them have already formed a large group of friends just by being open and meeting people. While I have changed much in the past few months I'm still not the most social person. I've been open to talking to everyone and have made a good amount of friends but I find I'm still much more comfortable on my own.
Perhaps that's a good thing, we all saw how I acted when I spent too much time on my own. I'd rather not go that far down again, at least not for a while.

My new social persona has got me to meet more people at work. One, in particular. It started with a friendly chat in the supply/copy room and turned into incessant emailing between floors. Emailing turned to lunch. Lunch turned to texts. Texts turned to weekend meetings. Weekend meetings turned to a day out at Wicker Park. The speed of the modern relationship.

Her name is K. Not the K I mentioned weeks ago (didn't feel it with her) or the J after her (she was married). There is no K but her. There is a Kam and there was a KT- no K.

Speaking of KT- she wrote me on Friday. I'm not sure why but she did. It was an invitation to a get together at her bar, remember the one I was told never to go to again? I considered writing back and laying into her but that's all over with, I'd rather not rehash anything, even if it would make me feel better in some small way. I'd rather just be rid of her completely. I didn't answer, nor will I attend her Christmas get together.

K and I went to the roller derby fund raiser at the Cobra Lounge and had a swinging time. She's a roller derbyette too, though she's not in a league yet. We spent the evening thinking of roller derby names.

Scary, Mother of God
Rainbow Fight
June Carter Crash
Princess Slaya

Had a ton of others, most of them worse, that I can't remember now. That's probably a good thing.

Naudia Nyce
Gasoline Dion

Those are cool names but I can't take credit for them. As far as I know they're unclaimed.

I missed the Twisted Sister concert and I already had a ticket. Thought it was next week. I wanted to see them but apparently not enough. Sucks.

Just got On Parole by Motorhead, an old album of the original recordings of their earliest stuff. It's great. I would have gotten it a long time ago but I thought I already had it.

I first developed a taste for late nights in college. It wasn't an aversion to sleeping, in fact I loved the sport as only a true sleeping enthusiast could ever consider it a sport. My late nights were not born from debauchery where time seemed to be an elusive concept only measured by the coming of the dalight marking the scattered debris of the night's festivities, though I have had my share of those.
My interest in going without sleep comes from somewhere else. Going to bed always seems so anti- climactic way to end productive days especially ones where I get my second wind around the time most people are deep in the warm confines of REM sleep. Seeing the sun rise after an exhaustive and thoroughly busy evening is a joy reserved for those that know the stultifying effects of sleepness nights and the beauty of baggy, bloodshot eyes.

I'm surprised my teeth are in as good a shape as they are. Oh sure, I brush at least twice a day and floss not often enough but I still get complimented on them every once in a while. I have more sugar than is good for me, broke two of them and my dental x ray is scary.
I'm a bit like Frankenstein- I really shouldn't be this well put together. I have had so many scrapes and injuries I wonder when they'll start to show. Right now they're hidden too well. My skull broke, I have scars on my knees, hand, several on my face (almost unnoticeable), back, fingers and stomach. My foot is in pain almost every day, my back is stiff too often, pencil lead is embedded in my arm but strangely I never get sick. My metabolism is so fast that it churns out anything that can make me sick before it gets a chance. It seems to be always burning. I used to have to eat a lot to keep it up but haven't felt much of a need for it in the past couple of years. I'm much warmer than most people, which is great in the winter- a higher body temp protects against the cold but not too great in the summer. The heat can really get to me.

I'm begun titling every entry with a song name, which may make this place a little more interesting.

I've been listening to a band I've just gotten into, the Finnish metal band Children of Bodom. They're symphonic metal like Therion but not as good. I'm still waiting for the first American symphonic metal band. They wouldn't do too well over here.



They chose the grim reaper as their mascot.

Tuesday and my head is straight. I don't live for the weekend, and often don't do anything at all, but Mondays always seem longer than every other day as I make it through work in a semi haze. You only have to look at yesterday's post to see what a weird state of mind I was in, blathering on about Action Park.

A slow, but good, day. Work then home.

C is pretty much out of the picture. It's as much my fault as it is hers. I think it's one of those things where you meet someone right when you need them. We both needed someone when we met and were rebounding from some failed relationships. Hers was just puttering out while mine had ended but I couldn't get over it right away. She knew a few people but still felt removed. I knew no one.
In the rare times we have seen each other in the past month it felt awkward. We were both moving on separately, she had made a new group of friends I didn't identify with and I wasn't the same person I had been before. I have made minimal attempts to contact her which she barely responded to.
I'm not sure if I should feel guilty. There was no future other than friendship for us and she showed little interest in even that at the end. We did mean a lot to each other at one point though and the next moment everything seemed different.
The simplest thing to say is we just grew apart. I still consider her a friend but I don't think about her much except to consider if I should force the friendship further. I don't think she wants that and I'm not sure I do either.

I've slacked off in writing here. I have no excuse other than I've been well distracted. I suppose the less I write here the better things are going so if I don't write things are usually going well. In this case it's true. Completely unexpected I've met someone and spend a lot of time with her. I plan to spend a lot more.

Months ago I wrote about how hot it was and how I spend the nights with air condtioner going full blast or sweating through the night without. It's hard to believe this is the same city. I would love to take some of the unwanted heat for when it gets brittle and freezing cold.
It snowed heavily this weekend and with it came the coldest temps of the year. I've faced colder and it's not too much for me but it's still uncomfortably cold. Returning home late yesterday night I felt ice forming in my beard, a strange sensation I've never felt before. I'm sure it will get colder and then I'll really bitch. When it does I'll spend much less time outside. Already I'm reluctant to go out unless I need to.

I finished The Willow Tree which has become one of my favorite books. I think books mean more to you depending on how you feel and what you're going through when you read them. That's most likely why I enjoyed it so much. Hubert Selby is an amazing writer, a rare case of natural talent mixed with a sense of human nature and language.
The book brought a lot out of me, which is rare for most writers but not Selby. Everything I've read of his brought out undeniable reactions. Unlike his other works this brought out a feeling of empathy, compassion for the characters who had suffered so much yet still continued to have a sense of hope when all others would have abandoned it. As things in my life started to get back on track it brought me a lot of comfort. I haven't read a book since I moved though I used to read one every couple weeks or so.


Hubert Selby Jr.

Right now I'm reading Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, a collection of essays by Chuck Klosterman, the author of Fargo Rock City, a book I read years ago and enjoyed. He's become one of this generations commentators, along with Dave Eggers and, to a lesser extent, Dane Cook. He writes about pop culture and it's deeper meanings- ie; The Sims as a mirror of our own existence and pursuit of materialism. An interesting book and sure to be a quick read.

I've grown an interest in the abandoned areas of life and the forgotten history that passed through them. Ghost towns have been an interest of mine for years, as well as the exploration of Pripyat, Centralia, and other abandoned towns. I've recently learned about Action Park, a amusement/water park I visited once as a child and what became of it.
It was located in New Jersey and as far as I remember, had very little security. Much of the park seemed to be run by the visitors and many of the rides were closed due to riders being injured. In fact, many of the rides seemed designed to hurt those that rode on them. Even the Tarzan Swing, a seemingly harmless water ride where park goers swing from a rope into a pool of water was known for injuries, even death. As the land used to be a swamp, snakes were known to fill the water. Even the mini golf area was filled with snakes.
The more dangerous ones, such as the Alpine Slide, had a higher rate of injury. At the time I visited, it was closed because a girl suffered severe lacerations when the sled that took her down the incline slipped from beneath her and she rode unprotected down the metal rods of the ride.
Many of the water rides emptied into a deep lagoon, with many of the slides casting people from the ends into the water. One end was much higher than the others and visitors would jump from it, endangering those in the water below. It became a new attraction- cliff diving- though the park forbid such activity.
It was staffed by younger, mostly high school age kids who worked for minimum wage or barely above. Because of this they turned a blind eye to many of the rule breakers and often came to work drunk or would drink while on the job. Action Park became known for it's virtual lawlessness and disregard of rules. It was a New Jersey rite of passage and still holds legendary status among many of the long time residents there.
I was too young to get involved in what happened there. My mother, upon seeing the state of the park, kept watch over my brothers and I but we all managed to escape when she turned her back. My two brothers were able to cliff dive, though most of the people I saw were being pushed off the cliff rather than diving, and I was lucky enough to get an inner tube for a ride down an underground river. I sustained only slight cuts when the innertube was pulled from underneath me by overeager park visitors.
To say the park was mismanaged wouldn't be the right term. The companies that ran the park (there were several) were always mindful of the bottom line and more often than not put finances before safety. There were many deaths in the park, too many for such an attraction and, fighting an unwinnable battle in court, the park closed down in 1996.

I've added a link of interest. Abandoned but not Forgotten outlines all the towns, camps and monuments lost and ignored, places most will never see or know about.


Waterslide with Alpine Slide in the background

Tarzan Swing, Action Park NJ.