Last week all I wanted to listen to was metal. I played a lot of Slayer, Motorhead, Anthrax, Metallica, Megadeth, whatever I was in the mood for as long as it was loud and fast. Today I've been feeling like the Blues a lot. I'm not down, which I usually am when I'm in the mood for it, I just haven't listened to it a lot. I put some Leadbelly on and it was just what I needed. This is a good city for it but I've always been more for the Delta Blues than Chicago Blues.

After the Civil War many freed slaves, who had developed what would become the Blues while singing call and response hymns working in the fields, migrated to the North. During the early part of the Twentieth Century, as the Northern and midwestern states needed workers for their factories and mills, many blacks were given a better chance at life than they had in the Jim Crow South.
New Orleans and the Mississippi area was where the Blues first originated, with Robert Johnson and Leadbelly, among others. As the migration went North, it spread to Memphis, where W.C. Handy wrote "Memphis Blues" and Memphis Minnie became well known. It traveled up to St. Louis, before stopping in the Great Lakes States. Chicago eventually formed its own version of the Blues, relying on electrical guitar and harmonica to differentiate itself from its predecessors. Chicago Blues was more elaborate, professional and more produced though not any less authentic. It told of the hardships of urban poverty rather than the pain of sharecropping.
Chicago introduced such musicians as Buddy Guy, Muddy Waters, Son Seals, J.T. Lenoir, Otis Spann and Howlin' Wolf (who became well known in Memphis as well).
I've always leaned towards Delta Blues, especially John Lee Hooker and Robert Johnson but living here I've been more and more in the mood to go the Chicago route.

Robert Johnson and John Lee Hooker


Muddy Waters and Son Seals

One thing I've noticed about this city, it's a great mix of Memphis and Boston. It has less of the bad things both have and more of the good things.
Like Memphis it has good food and a great character without all the racial problems.
Like Boston it has good jobs and it's easy to get around. In terms of residents it's a very young city while Memphis is old.
It has more to do, more shows, more people, more things to see and though it doesn't have as much influence on history on Boston does, it has a more macabre background though Memphis comes close.
It's not as cheap as Memphis but it's much cheaper than Boston. Not as uncomfortably humid like Memphis but colder than Boston. Apparently it's more corrupt than Memphis, which is pretty corrupt.


Memphis


Boston


Chicago

Writing has slowed down. I foresaw this when I started my new job. My interest hasn't gone, in fact, if I'm not working I'm writing at work- little notes I stuff in my back pocket to throw across my desk unordered the moment I set foot in my room. I've been working on a couple short stories; one of which I completely forgot but is on my notes. I remember thinking it was a great idea and better than the first short story I was working on so let's hope I find it and finish it.

I don't dread writing, I dread putting my notes in order. Of course no one could do it for me (if I wanted them to) because they're all written really small and numbered in a way only I can read. It would be a good idea to get some short stories out and send them in so at least I get some people's attention before I thrust a book on them. Then I can release a book of short stories I've already written.

They're in some order now though I am still missing some. I've begun adding to my book.

When I first moved here one of the first things I did was buy some pens and paper to write down a list of all I lost, get the numbers for lawyers, take notes, etc. Since I had nothing else to do I started writing and since I wasn't in the mindset to make anything up I started writing about my life. I was going to write memoirs but I just needed to write. I lost the pad for weeks and came upon it a little while ago. I was going to write some of it here but looking it over, I'd rather not.

I spent the day shopping for a birthday gift for C. I have an idea of what she wants but I think it's a better idea that I wait to let her come and pick it out. It's something that is very specific and I need to make sure she gets what she wants. I also got some stuff from Merz Apothecary in Lincoln Square. She shops there a lot on her own.

Meanwhile I ended up getting a ton of dvds to replace the ones I lost. I'll never get a library of them like I had before but I want to get back my favorite ones and some that I watch a lot. Of my favorites, today I picked up Spinal Tap, the Warriors and Shaun of the Dead. I also got Big Fish, the Big Lebowski, Three Kings, Firefox, Ali and the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I've been on a Tim Burton binge so I had to get Big Fish. I just finished watching Sleepy Hollow, another new dvd. It's good to have a job.

The last part of me that I'm trying to change that I haven't done anything with is my hair. I've never liked it. When it's well kept it's boring and it gets messed up too easily. When it's long, which it usually is, it's unmanageable so I went and got a haircut to get it cut real short and the barber fucked it up. He made it real short on the sides with long bangs and thick on top. Frustrated, I talked to my roommate and he offered to cut it real short. Now it's real short. The last time I had hair this short was when I was born. My scar is visible though it doesn't look that bad. Really, I'm almost bald. I'm considering taking off what little hair I have left.

Two things I noticed because of this haircut;

-I have a really nicely shaped head. If I shaved it all off it wouldn't look that bad.
-I have more hair than I thought. I actually lost very little over the years. I just need to find a better way to style it.

Not the most exciting entry but what can you do? It's better than milling around pining for someone I shouldn't or feeling depressed.

I can feel it happening again. Now that I'm working I tend to vary my eating schedule a bit. I wake up a lot earlier and very rarely eat breakfast. I often skip lunch because I'm too busy/can't find a good place/too tired to go out so I don't have a good meal until I got home. I snack too much during work- offices seem to be filled with crap food; candy, sweets, etc. As soon as I get home I start dinner, my hunger gone from ravenous to subdued. I relax, watch a movie (Sleepy Hollow- I'm on a Tim Burton binge).
Finish eating and have a little while to enjoy eating because soon afterwards it comes. Right when I'm really into writing I feel completely drained. For the rest of the night it's a struggle to stay awake or even concentrate as my body uses up what little energy it has to digest what I've eaten.
This has happened a lot. In the past I've gone to the gym after this and have a workout that does nothing. My body has no energy. I hate feeling completely useless at 7pm. I'm searching for a way to combat this.

I couldn't resist crawling into bed. Not the best idea since Tuesday was a complete loss after a short nap lasted the entired night. I ended up meditating. Time went by quickly and I'm sure I fell asleep for at least a little while. It took some time to get out of bed but I feel completely refreshed now, better than I did this morning.
Tomorrow I can go right to sleep because I'm such a wild guy and my Friday night is booked.

Now I'm drinking a nice glass of Code Red (another way to wake up) and listening to Wendy O Williams.



It's good to be back at work though. This is the first full week of work I've had since March. Pretty bad, isn't it?

I've felt this more and more. I know I've said this before but when I think about living back in Boston it feels like another person. It sounds cliche and I haven't changed that much but it's true. I feel very different now in a lot of ways.
In the past I felt like I was cursed in some weird way. I would make dumb mistakes without even realizing it, screw something up by accident and forget things. A lot of people took that as indifference or stupidity so I began to think it was that too. I knew I was smart yet I kept making so many stupid mistakes; at work, on my own, with women. I've been trying to pinpoint why exactly I acted that way and do whatever I could to change it. I knew if I got over it things would get better, I'd find a job I was better suited for and maybe live a life without so much stress and worry.
I felt like the synapses just weren't firing. I'd fall back into the same patterns without even realizing it. Lately though, I haven't noticed that at all. It's strange, I had strange idiosyncracies that I haven't caught myself doing at all. My mind seems much clearer and I find myself working through things without a problem. I pick things up much more quickly and don't forget them. I've been much more confident. I used to get so worked up over things now it takes a lot to bother me. Instead I find a way around it or the easiest way to deal with it.
I'm not sure what I did or how, I think the week in Maine had something to do with it. I know what I've been dealing with in the last few months has but I feel so relieved. I'm getting so much more done, I'm writing better (and a lot more often), and I don't see anything bothering me now.
I'm afraid I'll curse this by even mentioning it, but today I realized what I've been sensing for a while and had to write it down. I'm thinking much more clearly. I remember thinking in the past that I just couldn't get over some things, I couldn't concentrate or didn't want to, now it's no problem. Everything seems to fit now, I can see how to better my career and I'm more comfortable with everything. I swear it feels like my IQ just got boosted a few points. I was never dumb, but now I feel much smarter.
I hope that doesn't seem conceited, it's not meant to be. It's just something I can't ignore anymore.

If losing all my shit, moving cross country and losing what could have been (but most likely wasn't) a great relationship is what it took for this to happen then it was all worth it.

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Some guy came up to me on the sidewalk and started polishing my shoes. I wanted to keep walking but was afraid I'd kick him in the face. Is this a new way to beg? People aren't cleaning windshields anymore?

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Look what I found on Boners. I used to walk by this sign every day.

I've decided I'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore. Things are finally going my way, I have a job, slowly building up friends and I don't want the hassle of dating and catering to a woman right now. I don't know why I was expending so much effort for it for so long.
For one thing I don't have the best view of women right now. Since I've dating in my late teens the majority of women I've been out with have been manipulative, selfish, emotionally damaged, shallow and violent. I wonder if it was always like this, were my grandparents putting up with that before they got married? Did my dad have to weed out such women before he met my mom? I'm not looking to become a surrogate daddy or baby a grown woman or put up with her unnecessary wants and unrealistic needs like it seems men have to with so many women. Dating shouldn't be a man fixing her fucked up childhood or remaking himself just to get the attention of a woman. I also don't trust many women. They lie to themselves, which I hate even more.

Not all women are like this, of course. I've met some amazing women and I'm (obviously) not free of my own problems. I realize I brought a lot of this out on myself. The women I've been involved with over the years seems to have more than their share of problems. Maybe that's why I was drawn to them. I've been cheated on more times than I can count, lied to even more, hit, stalked, criticized, I can't imagine that happening with any other generation than ours. I brought it out of them somehow, I'm sure. Maybe I was too good or too nice or too honest and they needed the challenge or excitement.

I don't keep someone around if I can't trust them, which is why I'm so close to C and J. I know they're honest with me.

In the past I've had lovers and it never went beyond that. I think about that often. One woman was tall, beautiful, very intelligent and had a great life. She taught at the Harvard Secondary School and we'd get into discussions about education, teaching and history. She was an amazing lover, giving, open, imaginative, yet I never thought of taking it farther. We'd go out on dates and were good friends yet I never pushed for anything else. Why I didn't I don't know. I felt for her but not on that level. Maybe she treated me too well.
Another was a beautiful woman, ex dancer, ex model who I think I slept with too early. We had that connection and shared the same point of view in many areas- mostly we'd talk politics. She'd make me laugh and was an incredible lover but again, I didn't take it much farther. I think by that time I was resigned to leaving Boston and didn't want to get attached to anyone.
Can you make yourself feel attached to someone if the situation feels right? Maybe I should have tried.

I'd still like to have a girlfriend, someone I can be there for and look forward to seeing but too often I have dreaded seeing the women I've dated. I've had to act differently, I worried they would be upset or in a bad mood, I'd watch how I acted around them. It's too much work. I want someone I can relax and enjoy being with, not someone to add to the stress.



Maybe I'm too much of an idealist and I still believe that a man and woman should be together for life. I want something substantial, not someone who's just going to prop me up and make me feel better about myself, nor do I want to be that for her. I think the whole view of dating has changed. It's become much more selfish. It's not about the relationship and what it can be but what can that person do for me. People trade up like they're trading new cars, never realizing it's the time and effort that makes it stronger. Very few people want to put in the time or effort and that sucks. Meanwhile the divorce rate is shooting up and it will only get worse.

Was originally named Operation-Meet-A-Woman but shopping is usually a trial for me. By the time I'm in it; sweaty, disheveled, looking for the right size, meeting a woman is long out of my mind.
I'd planned to make a quick stop in Wrigleyville then head to the Loop to some of the bigger stores and find some more clothes for work but I never made it downtown. For about an hour and a half I ran around Wrigleyville and had a very successful operation.
No women met but the other objectives more than cleared.

All in all I ended up with:
-5 shirts for work
-2 new jeans
-1 cool t shirt
-1 pair hiking/snow boots
-3 ties
-1 cool new sweatshirt
-1 cool ass leather jacket, the type I've been meaning to get for years.

I've become quite the clothes horse since my wardrobe burned up. I'm making a pretty impressive little collection. It's really changing my image. No more clothes that are a little too tight, too worn, too stained or too outdated. Everything I have now is what I want to wear. Some of the stuff before I've had since high school. That made it vintage and I loved it but now everything fits today's style and though I've never much cared about that, it's kind of cool how I look like a little fashion plate, studded belt and all. I'm going hipster a bit, what do you expect when the Alley is your favorite clothing store? I've made it a point to not go too far into it, I think it's too conformist and I miss my old style (military surplus issue) but it does fit me a bit. If I really was honest and made my tastes and fashion choices match I'd probably have really cheap tattoos and a mullet.

I need to be more active so that's what I'm going to do. I'm considering taking another job waiting tables at that place in Wicker Park where I met that guy that talked to me about that stuff that time. You remember that don't you? He talked about his brother that was in some band and he took photos of some people some time ago?

That would be real Chicago hipster, having a responsible but creative full time job and something more tedious and street like being a waiter as a second job. It would go with my sideburns.

I also ordered some tickets for some shows coming up; Tenacious D in November and Twisted Sister in December. Should be great. I'd love to see either of those bands. Now it's a good evening, I can smell the wet air from the lake and it's not too cold. Life is good.