I've decided I'm not looking for a girlfriend anymore. Things are finally going my way, I have a job, slowly building up friends and I don't want the hassle of dating and catering to a woman right now. I don't know why I was expending so much effort for it for so long.
For one thing I don't have the best view of women right now. Since I've dating in my late teens the majority of women I've been out with have been manipulative, selfish, emotionally damaged, shallow and violent. I wonder if it was always like this, were my grandparents putting up with that before they got married? Did my dad have to weed out such women before he met my mom? I'm not looking to become a surrogate daddy or baby a grown woman or put up with her unnecessary wants and unrealistic needs like it seems men have to with so many women. Dating shouldn't be a man fixing her fucked up childhood or remaking himself just to get the attention of a woman. I also don't trust many women. They lie to themselves, which I hate even more.

Not all women are like this, of course. I've met some amazing women and I'm (obviously) not free of my own problems. I realize I brought a lot of this out on myself. The women I've been involved with over the years seems to have more than their share of problems. Maybe that's why I was drawn to them. I've been cheated on more times than I can count, lied to even more, hit, stalked, criticized, I can't imagine that happening with any other generation than ours. I brought it out of them somehow, I'm sure. Maybe I was too good or too nice or too honest and they needed the challenge or excitement.

I don't keep someone around if I can't trust them, which is why I'm so close to C and J. I know they're honest with me.

In the past I've had lovers and it never went beyond that. I think about that often. One woman was tall, beautiful, very intelligent and had a great life. She taught at the Harvard Secondary School and we'd get into discussions about education, teaching and history. She was an amazing lover, giving, open, imaginative, yet I never thought of taking it farther. We'd go out on dates and were good friends yet I never pushed for anything else. Why I didn't I don't know. I felt for her but not on that level. Maybe she treated me too well.
Another was a beautiful woman, ex dancer, ex model who I think I slept with too early. We had that connection and shared the same point of view in many areas- mostly we'd talk politics. She'd make me laugh and was an incredible lover but again, I didn't take it much farther. I think by that time I was resigned to leaving Boston and didn't want to get attached to anyone.
Can you make yourself feel attached to someone if the situation feels right? Maybe I should have tried.

I'd still like to have a girlfriend, someone I can be there for and look forward to seeing but too often I have dreaded seeing the women I've dated. I've had to act differently, I worried they would be upset or in a bad mood, I'd watch how I acted around them. It's too much work. I want someone I can relax and enjoy being with, not someone to add to the stress.



Maybe I'm too much of an idealist and I still believe that a man and woman should be together for life. I want something substantial, not someone who's just going to prop me up and make me feel better about myself, nor do I want to be that for her. I think the whole view of dating has changed. It's become much more selfish. It's not about the relationship and what it can be but what can that person do for me. People trade up like they're trading new cars, never realizing it's the time and effort that makes it stronger. Very few people want to put in the time or effort and that sucks. Meanwhile the divorce rate is shooting up and it will only get worse.