February is usually my least favorite month but this one passed relatively harmlessly. Usually the first snow of the year is a welcome one, not too heavy, more decorative than unpleasant. That happened back in October or November but the feel of that first snow lasted until this month when it turned to a heavy, thick fall that turned to grey slush within a few hours.

This month has been very up and down with me and A. We began as good friends, which is where I wanted it to stay. Unfortunately, such a thing is rare between a man and a woman. Usually one wants it to be more and feels slighted when it isn't. We felt as if we'd become too comfortable so when I treated her as I would any male friend she felt offended. I admit to the same feeling when she did the same to me.

We've been back and forth for weeks with both of us calling it off, if only for a short time. Can you "call off" a friendship?
Because of this we've both made efforts to do more for the other, which has only made us closer. This has gotten us to question our friendship and whether it is more. I go back and forth. She has shown things I wouldn't want in a girlfriend and I still can't forget her actions of the past month. Right now I'm just taking it for what it is.

To confuse things, I'm still seeing Je. Je is the one who was married when I met her and then chewed her out for looking for others while she was married. I thought that would turn her off but it seemed to have fueled her even more. We kept in touch and saw each other on and off. For some time we only saw each other on holidays; on Thanksgiving she brought me turkey, on Christmas she brought me peppermint truffles and a small gift. She finished the process of divorcing her husband and was single for a short time. I decided to be completely upfront and told her about all the women in my life, mostly C and A and how I am still dating. Her sincerity and the fact that she is so honest is what's appealing to me (never mind that she saw other people while dating her boyfriend and before when she was married).
Je began seeing someone soon after divorcing after I didn't step into the open slot. Throughout it all we kept seeing each other and she would complain to me about her guy, who wasn't meeting the requirments she had for a guy (and letting me know I did).
I could date Je and it would probably be pretty nice, we've both talked about this. There are some differences between us and from now on, when I commit to a woman I want us to both have what the other person wants. I'm tired of getting involved in relationships you know will end badly the moment they begin. Je is too domestic for me (and me not enough for her) and doesn't have the same wants in a relationship that I do. Additionally, she has cheated on both her husband and her boyfriend. Even though she cheated on them with me I still couldn't trust her. Despite all this, we've actually grown pretty close, she especially. She is in the middle of a two week work trip and I know she's going to want to see me when she gets home. I want to see her and I like her but it's going to make scheduling difficult. I'm seeing two women though committed to neither of them. Je is aware of this and A knows I'm not committed but I don't bring up the topic of me seeing anyone else because it would upset her. Needless to say I'm not even making the effort to meet anyone else.
Right now I'm working on getting into grad school and working. I don't want to expend effort for a girlfriend though I need at least one lover to stay sane.

So there's that.

Saturday the derby team played a team from Indiana and killed them. Afterwards everyone went to a bar for the afterparty. K (remember K, the woman I met at work and saw for a couple of weeks?) was there, since she had just gotten accepted to the league. We stopped seeing each other since she seemed to lose interest. Seeing me at the party with a lot of women on the team, however, caused her to regain some interest since she hovered around our table looking for a place to sit. When A left she sat next to me and we talked for a while. She looked good and I was tempted to start things again but knowing I already was booked with A and Je, as well as her blowing me off when I knew no one, stopped me from going any farther.
A saw her talking to me, which only gave her more reason to fuck her up when they compete each other. K is still a cool person and I would like to be friends but it will be difficult considering. All I can do now is try to get A to go easy on her. If they met and talked they would get along, most of the women I have an interest in share the same qualities. Doubt that will happen between K and A though, I don't want to get in the middle of the wrath of two women.

I've told everyone this story, J, A, Kam and will probably tell my roommate soon. I don't know why, I just find it very interesting. A says I think about it too much and she's right. I may as well put it down here so it can be put to rest.
A has a new roommate who comes with an ex boyfriend she is still very attached to. Her roommate is very sweet, makes all the meals (which is a good thing for the likes of A and I) and doesn't seem to know many people outside of her ex. She ended up going to Saturday's match with her ex and both went to the after party.
Her boyfriend, who I'll name Dickhead for the sake of this blog, didn't know anyone so he talked with me for a bit. Seeing all the women there, the Chicago ones and those from elsewhere, he told me how great it was and how he planned to get one of them home with him. He's a cocky bastard, cockier than the most cocky fuck you could imagine. Still, he's friendly and I didn't have a reason to treat him badly so I didn't, just warned him not to try anything with the Chicago women. This wasn't me feeling protective or possessive of them, they don't need me for that. It's more to protect him from looking like a complete asshole and ruining any chance he had of ever having friends there.

Why shouldn't I, he asked?
"Ahhhh they're....judgmental."
"Judgmental?! Why would I care about that? Do you care if they're judgmental?!"
"Alright, go right ahead."

Skip ahead and I'm sitting at a table having a much needed dinner and sharing it with A and a couple of her friends. Dickhead sits right next to us, seemingly amazed at how hot and tough the women were there. "Look at A, she's tougher than you. She could kick your ass. Probably kick mine," he says to me.
I'm not sure what he means so I ask and he repeats himself. "Of course she could kick your ass. I could kick your ass." Later A told me she saw my eyes flash when he said that. Admittedly I was considering starting something right there. The bar probably would have only thrown us out but it would have been worth it. I was torn between anger and confusion. I am taller than him, meaner than him, stronger than him and tougher than him. I thought he was kidding about the comment but just from the way he talked he thought it was strange that I would believe I wouldn't lose to him.
I told him he couldn't kick my ass and he gave me a I'm-the-better-man-so-I'll-let-that-slide but-watch-it look.
I asked how many fights he'd been in; "About three."
How many years had he studied fighting; "Huh?"
I told him how "I'd studied boxing, kickboxing, Tae Kwon Do, Ninjutsu and been in at least a dozen fights and just to reiterate, you could not kick my ass."
"Maybe you're right. You may win.
"No maybes, I'd win. In fact I'd beat you to the ground." All this said with a smiling face. Remember, this is a friendly conversation.
Conversation over soon after that. He leaves and A shakes her head; "I could kick his ass but did he really think he could beat you up?"
Home later that night her roommate tells us of his luck with the women there and said he asked her to ask A to set him up with some her teammates. Don't think we'll be seeing him back.

Forgive me for writing such a completely self involved story. Had to get it out of me.

Yesterday I watched the movie Hated, a documentary about GG Allin and the Murder Junkies. I was showing it to A as another in my series of "weird movies I love I think you would like but probably haven't seen or heard of." Hated is a great movie, full of unintentional humor and a lot of fuck you moments I find even funnier. It's great for the shock value and the total disregard which GG lived his life. A lot of people imagine living a life completely uninhibited, as if they had a spare life they could use to do whatever the hell they wanted. GG did that with his only one. I'd seen the movie many times so it didn't register as much as it did the previous times I'd seen it but I wanted to get A's take on it.
Tonight, I'm looking for old GG clips and found his interview on the Jerry Springer Show. This was a few years before the show turned into the freaks, junkies and whores that it is known for. Then, in the late eighties, it was similar to the Today show; a lot of people saying positive cliches and condemning the obvious evil, surrounded by pastel colors. GG was that evil. He was the daily scapegoat but that time, when he spoke clearly and wasn't distracted by drugs, alcohol or wounds, he made a lot of sense.



He attacks people at his shows, sexually assaults women, throws blood and shit at the crowd because it's a war. He wants to toughen his crowd, make them his followers, so when someone attacks them on the street they will be ready. His philosophy does nothing but incite the crowd who give the usual talk show responses; bringing up religion, who takes care of the kids? and challenging him to a fight.
Then I look at CNN and the top story is the Anna Nicole Smith trial. The second story, in the largest nation in the world and currently fighting two wars, is Britney Spears and her problems. My roommate watched today's coverage of the trial, blasting the volume and watching the screen open mouthed.
GG Allin died in 1993. He overdosed on heroin after a brutal show cancelled for violence. I can't help but think how we need someone like him these days. He really did very little and was nothing more than an instigator, like Lenny Bruce and Abbie Hoffman, all people that died fighting unwinnable battles. GG's life was a war but he was nothing more than a showman, a centerpiece for people to blame the failings of society on but the fact is this society has gotten lazy, stupid, obnoxious and dishonest. He may have been a lot of things but GG believed in what he did and toughened all those around him. He upset most people he came into contact with and that was his purpose, to stop people from being complacent and realize the world isn't easy and you have to be strong to get through it.
Goddamn, we need something. I have been approached by different people that asked me seriously about the Anna Nicole Smith trial and what will happen. It's shocking how easily people are told what to think about.
Here's a tip, if the news is full of vapid celebrity stories, something serious is being covered up. People have become so unaware, so mentally corpulent, we need something to stir them. Humans have become so useless. Adults with the minds of children running the world. Movies suited for 12 year olds win awards while we watch people squabble on tv over who killed a junkie everyone laughed at when she was alive.
We need a plague, famine, something. Every day I'm astonished at what interests some people. Middle aged men watching cartoons and collecting toys, grown women playing dress up and pretending to be princesses. How did we get this far?

This site has turned into me rambling about dating and women and I don't like it. The only reason I've gone on so much on that topic is the fact that not much else is happening.

I'm looking for work and making progress steadily but too slowly. My social life is alright, better than it was last year but I'm not that social of a person. Most nights it involves women so that could be more dating that socializing.
I'm in very good shape, having lost a lot of weight through biking and cardio. I'm not as muscular as I once was but I'm probably healthier and I know I weigh less.
There are a couple women I see though I'm not dating anyone. I no longer consider A to have any potential. She likes me a lot more than she did last week but I still can't ignore how she acted then. I don't trust her and I don't expect her to be around long. I'm still hoping to meet a woman that really catches my interest, someone that has a lot of what I'm looking for. There are a higher class of women here than any other place I've lived so I'm hopeful.

Though there are certain things I look for when dating though I noticed some odd similiarities between women I've seen in the recent past. Three women in particular have a lot in common- C, K and A.

All three of them love Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a movie I hated.



C and A both have copies of Amelie, I watched part of it with C and enjoyed it but fell asleep halfway through. I was exhausted and it was a long day. We made plans to finish it but never have.



They have all read many of the same books.

A and K are both roller derby girls. A was one of the original skaters on the league while K just joined after moving to Chicago. A does not like K for a few good reasons.

I no longer talk to K, though I talk to A and C.

A and C are both very sex positive women, and read the same authors that speak on this subject. I've tried to get C to get to some derby functions to meet some people. I know she'd fit in and she's told me she needs to meet more people. Her schedule is still very difficult. I saw her in the first few days of the year and heard from her only briefly since. I called her this week while her parents were in town. She sounded very happy to hear from me, which made me feel much better, considering.

I realize that throughout all this, C is the woman that gets the most attention and it sounds like I pine for her. In many ways I do. Out of all the women I've dated I've enjoyed being with her more and have genuine feelings for her but it will never get to what it once was, much less get as serious. Out of all the women I've met lately I wouldn't date anyone but her.

Just as a closer, I met a woman a few days ago but we didn't have a lot of time to talk. I missed her yesterday so we set up a time to talk tonight.

She was a train wreck. I have a good sense of what a person is like pretty quickly and almost immediately she got on my nerves. Interrupting, complaining, talking to other people while I was supposed to talk to her. Thank god it's never going to go anywhere.

After spending a quarter of an hour ranting about her friend's husband and how much she hates him and because he's Russian she hates Russians too. I like Russians, I say. They're shady, she repliess.

No one ever resolves their issues, she says. No one is ever satisfied with who they are and everyone has problems. I disagree. "You're very naive if you believe that." Everyone should go to therapy just to talk, though it never solves anything.

Complaining about marriage. "So you'll think you'll ever get married?" I ask.
"Not unless my parents die or I win the lottery."
"Your parents have a lot of money?"
"They do unless they live for a while, which they probably will."
"But if they kick it you get that big paycheck."
"Yep."

After these nuggets the phone mercifully got disconnected while she was droning on about her dog.

There are some worthless people out there.

I made a promise to take A out without thinking. Come Friday we had a date scheduled and I took her to a sushi bar, then a movie (Pan's Labyrinth- very good), the she spent the night with me. I'm not sure if it was such a good idea. I gave up on her several times last week and don't really want to spend any time with her but I thought it would be good to get on some positive ground no matter what happens.
She had a great time as did I but now, with her gone, I wish I didn't. Weeks ago I told her I didn't want to commit to her, I shouldn't have a girlfriend, which is mostly true. I'd like one, especially now (more on that later), but there are a lot of things that wouldn't work with her and I. Sometimes we get along great though and I do enjoy being with her, it just doesn't feel right.

I don't want this to turn into a site where I go over the highs and lows of dating, though I'm aware it's become that. I expect A to screw up or do something within the next two weeks that will give me reason to stop seeing her.

Wednesday she went to practice and I went to an anti-Valentine's Day party an old friend invited me to. Strange that I should have an "old friend" considering I've only been here for six and a half months but that's what she is. I see her once ever two or three months. We both have very different lives.
She works in tv production and may be working on a movie soon. If she does she offered me a part as an extra.
The party was fun too, just what I needed.

Now I don't feel so hot. I feel like I have a slight flu though it's already getting better. I very rarely get sick and when I do it doesn't last long. I should be better tomorrow. I just need a good, long sleep.

A day I typically hate and this year is no different.

I haven't posted in a month. I thought the curative purpose of this blog had done it's job and I had little need of it. It has, but I miss my posts. I miss writing and commenting on what's going on around me. I won't be able to write daily though I hope to keep it up more than I have. Then again, this may be the last post. Life is like that. Appreciate it while you can.

When we last left our hero he was coming off a week of dates and he was wounded from a dog bite. A friend from work invited me to a party soon after and I sped over. She is in a roller derby league and one of her teammates was having a birthday. It turned out to be one of those parties you always hear about and I never attend. People get drunk, stuff gets broken, pinata sprays candy all over the place, candy fight ensues, everyone gropes each others. A good time.

Unfortunately the thermostat was one of the things that got broken and, with winter coming on, I thought it wouldn't be good to go without heat so I spent some time rigging it to work, at least temporarily. Surprisingly it worked and the host, the birthday girl, seemed surprised that a stranger she'd never met before would go out of his way to fix it. We started talking and soon we were play the hand-slapping-chicken game. You've played it before but it really has no name.
Trust me, you've played it.
She got upset that I was winning and ended up slapping me across the face, a clear violation of the rules. Soon after we were making out in the closet. I ended up spending the night.
I wasn't sure what I wanted or if I should stay but she seemed like a good woman and I enjoyed talking with her. In her drunken state she said she wanted to marry me. I told her to wait until morning and think about that again.
Come morning things were much clearer and when reminded of her premature proposal she seemed embarrassed. When I left she acted like I wouldn't see her again. I'm not the type to have one night stands, in fact I never had one and this wouldn't qualify since we didn't have sex though we shared a bed. Still, I wasn't sure if I would see her again. It was pretty fast.

We talked. A lot. For hours a day. I learned I really liked her and we met again. We met several times- going to dinner, watching movies, going out with her friends, different things. We went to several parties the next week (apparently she has a lot of friends with birthdays in January).

Throughout this I heard very little from C. I wrote to her once and she wrote back saying we should get together. So far nothing has happened.

Here we are at this past week. The league was having an awards dinner and I was to accompany her. A big night for her but, unfortunately, a death in the family has her off on the other side of the country and she comes in on an early flight to attend the dinner. We speak every night she's away and when she gets back I dress up and go to meet her for the dinner. She spent all day getting ready; hair, nails, professionally done makeup, a nice dress. It's a big deal. I shave, shower and wear nice clothes along with a tie. I go for my Resevoir Dogs outfit of white and black. It's understated and always in fashion.

She's stressed for obvious reasons and I'm stressed for other reasons. Neither of us are happy and I don't enjoy the evening. I don't think she does either and I get the cold shoulder most of the evening. On the way home she practically ignores me and seems shocked when I want to go home. Instead I go home with her and spend hours consoling her about everything. We seem to be on better ground and begin the inevitable oneupmanship of which one is more fucked up. For some unknown reason, I tell her almost everything- my family, growing up, why I moved to Boston, problems in the past. I didn't get too much into relationships but I said more than enough.
The thing is, every woman I've done this with has disappeared soon after. Not so strange until you actually hear what I had to say and learn it's not that bad. The next day we have a long talk on the phone and the day after (today) I get a text, no less, saying she doesn't want to see me again. No big surprise there.
So we talk again. It's more productive we laugh (briefly) and it feels good to get it out. My phone dies and the conversation ends. We end on a mostly positive note. I'm hopeful. Then I go to do my laundry less than an hour before midnight. Down in the laundry room I'm alone with my thoughts and I'm thinking WHY THE HELL AM I GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN AND APOLOGIZING FOR BULLSHIT WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG?

Are men taught to always apologize no matter what? She was pissed because she had a headache and a bad night and I didn't kiss her ass enough? Fuck that. I put up with that shit enough in the past and I'm not doing it anymore.

I like being around her, we had a lot of fun times together and could possibly have a lot more but I'm not going to allow this anymore. I don't see why men always have to watch their step for women and their unpredictable and undecipherable moods that always find some way to blame other people for something. If that's what she's like she can do it on her own.

More news, much worse...

J's brother, a great guy whose wedding I attended a year and a half ago, attempted suicide. He was hiding a lot and J's family has a history of chronic depression. He wasn't successful and the past month everyone has wondered why he did what he did, what they could do and dealing with it as best they can.
I am the guy J comes to for any support or when she has problems. I feel guilty about moving out of Boston for that reason but do all I can to help her from here.
Tonight she texts and I call her. Her mother's birthday is later this month and she's planning it and trying to coordinate her family into going. Her brother isn't returning her phone call and she's hysterical. I do all I can to help her but it's difficult when I've got a lot on my mind and I can barely make out what she's saying.
All she needed was a kind word, which I have an abundance of but there's nothing else I can really do. I feel she's worrying prematurely and, its very unlikely anything has happened to him. It's true but I feel bad that I can't say anymore. My guilt and sadness over A had turned to anger and I wasn't in the right state of mind to offer advice but I did what I could.

I'm sure I'll be on the phone for a long time with both of them later today. Better charge my phone.

I was invited to another party, an anti- valentine's get together, so I'm getting to that.

Listening to an old Boston band, Stompbox. Heavy and low sound like passing out on the sidewalk. It works well.



The name of the cd is fitting.