A day I typically hate and this year is no different.

I haven't posted in a month. I thought the curative purpose of this blog had done it's job and I had little need of it. It has, but I miss my posts. I miss writing and commenting on what's going on around me. I won't be able to write daily though I hope to keep it up more than I have. Then again, this may be the last post. Life is like that. Appreciate it while you can.

When we last left our hero he was coming off a week of dates and he was wounded from a dog bite. A friend from work invited me to a party soon after and I sped over. She is in a roller derby league and one of her teammates was having a birthday. It turned out to be one of those parties you always hear about and I never attend. People get drunk, stuff gets broken, pinata sprays candy all over the place, candy fight ensues, everyone gropes each others. A good time.

Unfortunately the thermostat was one of the things that got broken and, with winter coming on, I thought it wouldn't be good to go without heat so I spent some time rigging it to work, at least temporarily. Surprisingly it worked and the host, the birthday girl, seemed surprised that a stranger she'd never met before would go out of his way to fix it. We started talking and soon we were play the hand-slapping-chicken game. You've played it before but it really has no name.
Trust me, you've played it.
She got upset that I was winning and ended up slapping me across the face, a clear violation of the rules. Soon after we were making out in the closet. I ended up spending the night.
I wasn't sure what I wanted or if I should stay but she seemed like a good woman and I enjoyed talking with her. In her drunken state she said she wanted to marry me. I told her to wait until morning and think about that again.
Come morning things were much clearer and when reminded of her premature proposal she seemed embarrassed. When I left she acted like I wouldn't see her again. I'm not the type to have one night stands, in fact I never had one and this wouldn't qualify since we didn't have sex though we shared a bed. Still, I wasn't sure if I would see her again. It was pretty fast.

We talked. A lot. For hours a day. I learned I really liked her and we met again. We met several times- going to dinner, watching movies, going out with her friends, different things. We went to several parties the next week (apparently she has a lot of friends with birthdays in January).

Throughout this I heard very little from C. I wrote to her once and she wrote back saying we should get together. So far nothing has happened.

Here we are at this past week. The league was having an awards dinner and I was to accompany her. A big night for her but, unfortunately, a death in the family has her off on the other side of the country and she comes in on an early flight to attend the dinner. We speak every night she's away and when she gets back I dress up and go to meet her for the dinner. She spent all day getting ready; hair, nails, professionally done makeup, a nice dress. It's a big deal. I shave, shower and wear nice clothes along with a tie. I go for my Resevoir Dogs outfit of white and black. It's understated and always in fashion.

She's stressed for obvious reasons and I'm stressed for other reasons. Neither of us are happy and I don't enjoy the evening. I don't think she does either and I get the cold shoulder most of the evening. On the way home she practically ignores me and seems shocked when I want to go home. Instead I go home with her and spend hours consoling her about everything. We seem to be on better ground and begin the inevitable oneupmanship of which one is more fucked up. For some unknown reason, I tell her almost everything- my family, growing up, why I moved to Boston, problems in the past. I didn't get too much into relationships but I said more than enough.
The thing is, every woman I've done this with has disappeared soon after. Not so strange until you actually hear what I had to say and learn it's not that bad. The next day we have a long talk on the phone and the day after (today) I get a text, no less, saying she doesn't want to see me again. No big surprise there.
So we talk again. It's more productive we laugh (briefly) and it feels good to get it out. My phone dies and the conversation ends. We end on a mostly positive note. I'm hopeful. Then I go to do my laundry less than an hour before midnight. Down in the laundry room I'm alone with my thoughts and I'm thinking WHY THE HELL AM I GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN AND APOLOGIZING FOR BULLSHIT WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG?

Are men taught to always apologize no matter what? She was pissed because she had a headache and a bad night and I didn't kiss her ass enough? Fuck that. I put up with that shit enough in the past and I'm not doing it anymore.

I like being around her, we had a lot of fun times together and could possibly have a lot more but I'm not going to allow this anymore. I don't see why men always have to watch their step for women and their unpredictable and undecipherable moods that always find some way to blame other people for something. If that's what she's like she can do it on her own.

More news, much worse...

J's brother, a great guy whose wedding I attended a year and a half ago, attempted suicide. He was hiding a lot and J's family has a history of chronic depression. He wasn't successful and the past month everyone has wondered why he did what he did, what they could do and dealing with it as best they can.
I am the guy J comes to for any support or when she has problems. I feel guilty about moving out of Boston for that reason but do all I can to help her from here.
Tonight she texts and I call her. Her mother's birthday is later this month and she's planning it and trying to coordinate her family into going. Her brother isn't returning her phone call and she's hysterical. I do all I can to help her but it's difficult when I've got a lot on my mind and I can barely make out what she's saying.
All she needed was a kind word, which I have an abundance of but there's nothing else I can really do. I feel she's worrying prematurely and, its very unlikely anything has happened to him. It's true but I feel bad that I can't say anymore. My guilt and sadness over A had turned to anger and I wasn't in the right state of mind to offer advice but I did what I could.

I'm sure I'll be on the phone for a long time with both of them later today. Better charge my phone.

I was invited to another party, an anti- valentine's get together, so I'm getting to that.

Listening to an old Boston band, Stompbox. Heavy and low sound like passing out on the sidewalk. It works well.



The name of the cd is fitting.