The unexpectedly busy holiday weekend continues.

Friday I went to see Tenacious D and hauled my ass over to UIC to see more college students than I've ever seen in my life. The weed was heavy in the air and the bubble headed girls had to act out every lyric to every song. Why is it that every girl does the "stripper dance" to any song? Does every girl have a hidden desire to be a stripper? I saw one do it at during Creeping Death at a Metallica show once. No shit. That's what I get for coming late and ending up too far from the stage.

Great show. Neil Hamburger opened. You know Neil Hamburger, the guy who tells jokes like "Why did Julia Roberts smear shit all over her vagiiiiiina? Because she was hoooooooorny," all in an irritating nasal tone between phlegmy coughs and hacks. Another good joke; "What do you call a senior citizen that is constantly flashing her wrinkled breasts? Madonna." Another? Ok. "Why won't Courtney Love have Cranberry Sauce at Christmas dinner? Because she'll be dead."
"Why won't Paris Hilton take a shit on Courtney Love's toilet? Because she's sitting on it dead."

That's what you hear for about half an hour, tired, shoulder to shoulder with chad and biff. His only purpose is to antagonize the crowd until they yell at him enough for him to lose it and bark out "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT! I SHOULD HAVE HELD A GUN TO YOUR MOTHER'S HEAD WHEN I FUCKED HER IN THE ASS SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR ABORTED FETUS SHIT STAINED MOUTHS! FUCK YOU!" Great hilarity ensued. Eventually things were being thrown at him until a coin hit the glass he was carrying and broke it. He walked off victoriously, his finger in the air.


Neil Hamburger

Tenacious D came out on a set made to look like KG's place. They started rocking out with Kielbasa in his living room, soon joined by their friend Lee. A third of the way into their set they electrocuted themselves and got sent to hell.


Tenacious D at KG's

Down comes a screen showing them in hell putting together a band made up of Col. Sanders on drums, Charlie Chaplin on bass and the Anti Christ on guitar. If you saw the movie it's supposed to make sense. I didn't (yet).



They played almost all their songs; Jesus Ranch, Dio, Explosivo, Wonderboy and all of their new album; The Government Totally Sucks, Master Exploder, Car Chase City and came out for an encore that included Tribute and a Tommy medley.



Great show, better than most bands I've seen. Better than System of a Down, better than Fantomas, better than Butthole Surfers, better than Motorhead (it was an off night).

Eventually Beelzebub came out and they had a rock off before JB started singing about how great metal is.

I gathered enough food to keep me inside for the long four day weekend. The week before you may remember I went out and got several games and was certain I would have enough to keep me entertained over this long weekend. I have a ticket to see Tenacious D on Friday and, other than a vague offer to hang out with someone, I didn't see myself going out very much this weekend. I wanted to sleep late, play video games and eat whenever I liked.
Tuesday night I get a late night phone call from a woman telling me she's returned from her vacation in Mexico. Half asleep, I tell her how great it is that she's back and she offers to get together. Her number doesn't show up on my cell and I don't recognize her voice. I piece together what she's telling me and I remember it's a woman I met online and had a temporary correspondence. She was married but estranged as she cheated on her husband and didn't want to be with him anymore. When she blamed it on him "not exciting her anymore" I called her on it and explained that that's no reason for cheating and marriage is not always easy. We had a shaky coversation since then and I put her out of my mind. I don't want to get involved with a woman that thinks so loosely on committment and rationalizes her infidelity.
I had a lot of time this weekend and we did have some great conversations so I accepted her offer. We met last night and had a great time. She is very midwest- cute, domestic, even has a faint hint of the accent. She reminds me of Nancy from years ago.
Today she came over and brought me a turkey dinner. It was wonderful, just what I needed.
Now I'm wondering what I'm doing. I'm not sure if she's someone I should involve myself with, even if she wasn't married. She's cool but I'm really not the type of person that fits with a small town midwest type of girl. I'll just play it by ear.

Thanksgiving is a good idea, a day where people spend time with the people closest to them and enjoy a feast but it never turns out that way. Today's families always end up fighting and uncomfortable. Greed and self centeredness draws people away from each other and I know few people who actually look forward to spending a day with their family without emotionally preparing themselves to face it. Only now is my family able to manage the holidays without altercations.
My family is not meeting this year. We usually meet at my married brother's house but he is spending it with his inlaws. Neither my oldest brother or father have any desire to invite everyone over and make a spread. If we were to meet we would most likely end up going to a restaurant which we did once before and is, well, depressing. I do my best not to do any traveling this week in any case. Same with shopping. I'm staying home and relaxing when the holiday mania starts.
The fact that Thanksgiving as we imagine it, with Pilgrims sitting down and sharing food with Native Americans most likely never happened and, if it did, was the prelude before the massacre of the indigineous people by the new settlers also makes the holiday that much more unnecessary. Many Native Americans still consider this a day of mourning the land taken from them as well as the lives of their ancestors. It is no celebration.

I've really let things go by the wayside. The days have gotten shorter and colder and, as is my habit, I've become less active. I've begun hibernating. I go to work, come home, have dinner, play video games and that's usually it. My exercising has slowed, my diet has become cheaper and I get lazier. My writing has almost stopped and though I did all my laundry last night my room is too cluttered. I'm working on saving my files on this computer for the big wipe. I recovered them when I got the computer back but since he didn't fix the problems I'm going to do it myself, delete everything and start over. My tv still doesn't get channels either but I don't care about that.
Though I've gotten sharper I've been thinking too much. In fact I think constantly, which can be a problem if you're as analytical as I am. Most of the time I consider my problems and what I can do to make them better. If I don't I just feel like shit.
Granted, I've gotten a lot done- more than I could have hoped- but there's a lot more way to do.

I haven't had health insurance for years. I haven't needed it but it would be nice to go the dentist.

Sometimes I think my financial situation is pretty pathetic. I've never really been wanting for money, but I've never saved enough either. I think most people my age feel the same way but I'm not sure. I'm not struggling but I'm not particularly happy with everything either. At least I'm making more now than I have for years. I worry about retirement. I wonder if I've put away enough and then wonder why should I care since I won't make it to retirement anyway.

I don't have many friends but I'm happier than I have been and find it easier to talk to and approach people.

I feel like I've aged so much this past year. My emotional state has definitely aged. I've cut my hair so short you can see I've lost some in front and now I worry I may be losing some on top. I can't tell. I really only care when I look in the mirror. I like the feel of short hair but it's freaky seeing me looking so old. I'm growing a beard out so I look even older.

Of course I'm much harder on myself than I am on anyone else.

I don't think most people have anything too exceptional to shoot for in their lives. Most just want to start a family or make money or be happy. Some want to be doctors or aspire to something but not all. Those that do gain satisfaction from working to get to where they want even if they never attain it. That's why college is so great. You know that's where you should be. The future isn't set yet and you don't know if you will or won't make it. You expect you will, you know you will, so everything is perfect. For that set of years you're right where you should be, doing what's expected of you.
On your own you struggle to get where you want to be, not really certain if you'll ever make it. Few of us do. I still don't and worry about it constantly. I worry I won't ever do what I want to do and enjoy working to get there but I think that worry is too much for some people and we end up settling. We look for happiness and security. Most find a good, stable job and comfort in marriage or a family, telling ourselves being a good father and husband is goal enough.
I once thought that way and tried it but it didn't work. It hardly lasted more than a few months but the happiness I felt in those months was wonderful. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I know it's not what I was meant to do and I've got to keep struggling. I'm sure I'll struggle for the rest of my life in one way or another.

Also, some of the work I've done on a textbook will be published so my work will be published. Pretty cool, eh? I'm going to say it's the first of many.

Music I'm listening to: X Under the Big Black Sun and Chaimillionaire Ridin' Dirty.

Saturday was a blow off day. I didn't do anything but watch movies and play PS2. I needed a day like that after letting my mind work too much the past couple days. It's fucked up the directions it will go when you have nothing to really focus on.

Sunday came and I made it a point to get out. I wanted to see Borat but I don't know the theaters around here yet and the one I thought was showing it wasn't. Instead I went to Wicker Park. Again.
I'm soothing my boredom with consumption. Just in time for Xmas. I went and got two dvds- Cannibal Holocaust (my favorite horror movie lost in the fire) and X Men 3, which topped my list of movies I have to get. I ended up getting more PS2 games than I thought, including the original Guitar Hero since I already beat Guitar Hero II. It was worth it for being able to play Iron Man. I got Bully too, which I've been looking forward to playing for about a year.
Now I can just hibernate during the Thanksgiving weekend into the winter.

C called my yesterday afternoon. You know how you think about some wrong someone did to you, whether it was intentional or perceived only by you and the more you think about it the more you blow it up in your mind until you're just fuming, "I'll never speak to her again! If she calls me again I'm just going to lay into her and tell her what I think, etc etc..." I didn't do that because I knew I'd regret it later. She had some time out of work and wanted to get some lunch. I said sure and we went to a small bar off Roscoe.
We had a great time and I feel much better. I mentioned how I feel very briefly. "You know, I wasn't going to call again. I thought you didn't want to see me and I just thought 'that's it for her'". She just said she was always tired and upset after working a long shift.
Anyway. Good day and it was good to have her back again.

While waiting at the Damen stop for the train- only one track was being used at a time so they could do repairs- a woman got off at the other side of the tracks. She was very made up and very fashionable, like she had come out of an ad. A woman was beside her shorter, average looking. With nothing else to do I stood and watched. The woman wasn't as tall as she appeared but had on his stilettos and had very thin legs. She wasn't exceptionally beautiful but better than most. Her makeup made her look very elegant.
As people were leaving the stranded train she posed while her companion knelt and began clicking away. I had see impromptu model shoots on city streets before but, with nothing else to do I stood and watched.
To my left a couple came out and waited for the train. They were short, stubby and oafish looking. They both smoked heavily and their hair was gnarled and ratty. They bickered between each other. I watched them out of the corner of my eye, enjoying the contrast between the couple and the attractive model across the tracks.
There was a small crowd waiting with me and I looked around to see who everyone was watching. Would beauty or ugliness attract their attention? A few people watched the model but most seemed disinterested in any of them.
Just something interested. I thought.

Tenacious D on Thursday night.

One thing the past few months has taught me is how to be a better boyfriend. After all the shit I went through a few months ago one thing I'm proud of is that I didn't give up and stayed true to everything I said and treated her well no matter what happened. When it was over at least I could take pride in what I did and I kept it up until the end. The fact that it ended that way was her decision and I'm glad I saw the mistakes so I can know what not to do and who I'm compatible with.
The last few dates I've had have been surreal and it got me thinking. We're really a generation that's gotten completely self involved and if we don't get immediate gratification then it's not worth it. We've gotten to the drive thrus of dating.
I'm not entirely innocent either. This site itself is a prime example of self involvement but when I think about dating it just upsets me. As much as I talk about how I don't need a girlfriend and I prefer to be on my own, it's not entirely true. Cliche as it may sound, I've learned I'm more conservative (in no other way but in a relationship) and I'm more romantic than most men or women. I find myself looking for someone even when I've made it a point not to. I don't hit on women but I'm much friendlier than I've ever been in my life. I'm not desperate and I date much less than I could but I just feel like I should really be with someone, as fucked up as that sounds. I miss having someone around.
Now that I know who is or isn't suited for me it's easier to find but I find a lot of women that shouldn't be with anyone and are too immature or self involved to really date anyone seriously.
I feel so old. Looking for a ~stable~ ~monogamous~ relationship without the yelling, screaming and fucked up behind the back shit I've always been through. For the life of me I can't understand how I got into so many of those.
Don't worry, I'm not going to start picking out window treatments or anything. That's not my way.

I was thinking a lot about fear today. Not sure how I got on the topic but I was there. As a child I remember crying because I was certain I was going to hell. My mom tried to comfort me and said I didn't do anything to send me there which made me confess that I had done so many bad things, that I would surely be sent to hell. It bothered me for a while.

I was afraid of looking like an idiot. I was too nervous, too shy and said whatever came out of my mouth. I got into a lot of fights because my nervousness made me look like an easy target. I learned to fear people and hated authority. I never trusted them and they abused their power.

I rarely lost a fight and always left the other guy as bad off as I was. As I got older I worked out a lot more and got bigger. I started taking martial arts to learn how to fight and it made me quicker but eventually chose Ninjutsu for the spiritual aspect.

The Samurai have a code called Bushido which is a code of honor to uphold throughout life. It teaches acceptance of death and lack of fear over dying. Though I've never had a conscious fear of dying, I studied it.
That and the ideals of the grandmasters in Ninjutsu, that martial arts is an extension of nature and helps one to control their inner selves and live more peacefully, brought a lot to my life. I was much more confident and lost any fear I had of confrontations. I even went so far as too become too comfortable with it and too ready to fight when things went bad. I learned most people are too afraid of fighting that it very rarely ever becomes physical but you must always be ready.

I got into an alteraction once with a guy who reached into his bag when things got heated. I expected him to pull out a gun or knife and without a thought I told him if I saw it in his hand he would be in pain before he would be able to do anything with it. I knew I could and everything felt so perfect. If you're sure of yourself and your training, I've found at crucial moments it comes naturally.

I don't fear death. Too often I hope for it. I fear being crippled, being seriously injured and I fear squandering my life. That's my biggest fear. I fear falling in love and losing it, that seems too easy. I fear my friends becoming injured or dying. There are two people I really care about in this world, two people outside my family that I know will be with me for the rest of my life. If I lost either of them I don't know what I would do. I don't fear losing anything I own because I know they can (and have) been quickly replaced. I fear becoming destitute and having no options. That's my most common fear and I don't want to be an old man knowing what I could have done and never doing it.

I'm writing this so I don't have to write about how sad I felt for no reason in the middle of the day. Otherwise it was a good day.

Coming home today I felt the same way I always felt coming home in Boston. I was angry, tired and sick of everything, everyone and all the stupid shit I see them doing. I felt this all the time and thankfully have been without it since my move. It had been a longer, more stressful day than usual and I just wanted to get home. I guess the happiness and thrill of being in a new place has worn off and I'm reverting to what I was like in a place I am accustomed to. That's both a good and bad thing. One of my major improvements was that I'm not as angry and fed up as I once was so I'm going to work on it.

Earlier this week when I was talking to J, I told her how much I had improved since I got here. I didn't phrase it that way but rather how a lot of good has come with the bad. I told her how I felt more focused, smarter and not as distracted and scatterbrained as I once was. I told her I am more intense about everything and right when I said it I realized how apt it was. I've become much more intense, not in the teeth gritting/knuckle clenching way, but I've become much more thoughtful and determined. Things affect me more and I'm not as impulsive as I once was. I'm happier but that could be attributed to the newness of everything. I'm more pensive, which makes me depressed and sad. I go through extremes quickly, often within hours of each other. If you haven't learned that from reading this site then you haven't been paying attention.

There is a woman at work that plays on a roller derby team. We're pretty friendly, having spent a lunch talking about the pros and cons of Memphis (she loves it; for me love/hate) and she's probably the friendliest person there, especially to me. Turns out she's not only on the team but she helped found the league.
Strange this was because I have always had an unhealthy interest in roller derby girls, going so far as to post an ad on Craig's List looking for one (got some responses- none from roller derby girls and none worthwhile). She spent a lot of time talking about the women she plays with and how men are so afraid to go up and talk to them and how shy they are. When they go out they complain about how no guys will say anything to them and just sit together there lonely.



Where is this magical place where beautiful, tough and mean but sweet inside roller derby girls sit around and pine for some single man to talk to them, I ask?
One of their hangouts is the favorite bar of none other than KT, where I'm not allowed to go. Apparently they have some ins there though she admitted the middle aged punkers that live there are kind of sad. Strange how those people that moan about being so ostracized are the most inclusive ones. Strange that some people still hang onto cliques into middle age. Strange...

She mentioned the whole "looking for a single man" thing a couple of times, even asking me if I am. Hopefully they'll be some meetings with some badass rollerbabes in the future. Keep you posted...

Band of the day is MC5, brothers.



Killed by Death by Motorhead is playing. It's five till midnight. Chicago, Illinois...