I was thinking a lot about fear today. Not sure how I got on the topic but I was there. As a child I remember crying because I was certain I was going to hell. My mom tried to comfort me and said I didn't do anything to send me there which made me confess that I had done so many bad things, that I would surely be sent to hell. It bothered me for a while.

I was afraid of looking like an idiot. I was too nervous, too shy and said whatever came out of my mouth. I got into a lot of fights because my nervousness made me look like an easy target. I learned to fear people and hated authority. I never trusted them and they abused their power.

I rarely lost a fight and always left the other guy as bad off as I was. As I got older I worked out a lot more and got bigger. I started taking martial arts to learn how to fight and it made me quicker but eventually chose Ninjutsu for the spiritual aspect.

The Samurai have a code called Bushido which is a code of honor to uphold throughout life. It teaches acceptance of death and lack of fear over dying. Though I've never had a conscious fear of dying, I studied it.
That and the ideals of the grandmasters in Ninjutsu, that martial arts is an extension of nature and helps one to control their inner selves and live more peacefully, brought a lot to my life. I was much more confident and lost any fear I had of confrontations. I even went so far as too become too comfortable with it and too ready to fight when things went bad. I learned most people are too afraid of fighting that it very rarely ever becomes physical but you must always be ready.

I got into an alteraction once with a guy who reached into his bag when things got heated. I expected him to pull out a gun or knife and without a thought I told him if I saw it in his hand he would be in pain before he would be able to do anything with it. I knew I could and everything felt so perfect. If you're sure of yourself and your training, I've found at crucial moments it comes naturally.

I don't fear death. Too often I hope for it. I fear being crippled, being seriously injured and I fear squandering my life. That's my biggest fear. I fear falling in love and losing it, that seems too easy. I fear my friends becoming injured or dying. There are two people I really care about in this world, two people outside my family that I know will be with me for the rest of my life. If I lost either of them I don't know what I would do. I don't fear losing anything I own because I know they can (and have) been quickly replaced. I fear becoming destitute and having no options. That's my most common fear and I don't want to be an old man knowing what I could have done and never doing it.

I'm writing this so I don't have to write about how sad I felt for no reason in the middle of the day. Otherwise it was a good day.