A year ago today my moving truck caught fire. I wasn't sure what to do afterwards and I figured that, like all things, eventually it would be trivial and unimportant. I knew in a few months things would be much better. I wasn't sure where I'd be but I knew it wouldn't be as horrible as I felt then. All I had to do was get to that time, wait for a few months to pass and I wouldn't care. I gave myself until November. I figured that would be enough to get past it. In a year I figured things would be much different. By November things had gotten much better.
Now, a year later, things are much different. I had planned to spend the day doing something I'd really enjoy. I made today a personal holiday and what better way to celebrate than having sex and doing nothing I don't want to do that day.

Last night A and I went to a play some friends of hers were involved with titled Siskel and Ebert Save Chicago. In it, Roger Ebert revives Gene Siskel to stop Oprah and Mancow from conquering Chicago aided by their suburban mombies that do anything Oprah tells them to do. Along with Ebert, Siskel, Oprah and Mancow, it has actresses playing the Windy City Rollers, a roller derby league A is involved with. The title sequence, projected onto a curtain was a James Bondesque opening with silhouettes slithering along the Chicago landscape. Watching that made me realize how much I love this town.

We celebrated by getting sunburnt watching the Chicago Force, a woman's football league. Afterwards, while contemplating what we could do to mark the day, a friend of hers called needing help moving. I volunteered us so after a bout of quick but satisfying sex, we ran to help. For the next hour and a half we trucked her stuff out of her third floor apartment to a storage unit. Since the truck wasn't due back until the next morning she loaned it to us to collect all of the furniture I have stashed in several places.
By 230am we were finished. I got a tv from someone down the street, a couch from a friend and several pieces of furniture I stored in A's basement that I found months ago. My place is now in disarray, with some pieces not even put together yet, many of my things still in boxes though my living room now looks a little like it's supposed to. It's fitting that a year after I lost so much I spent most of the day getting back so much.

At the end (midpoint?) of the night I was sore, drenched with sweat and tired. I did what I'd been putting off for weeks and slept well.

Music I'm listening to:

early Alice Cooper

Wicked Sensitive Crew- Dropkick Murphys

Minimum Maximum- Kraftwerk

Metal Mother- Scissorfight

Get Some Go Again- Rollins Band

and I wonder how the hell I got here, at this spot, at this time right now. I wonder about all the things that happened to put me right here, now and what was the purpose? It doesn't seem really and it doesn't seem like the same person. Things that happened, even a year ago seem like an old movie I didn't pay attention to.
Most of the day I'm hot, I'm tired and I'm sore. I'm pretty sure my need to exercise is a mental condition. I have some body image issues. I think I'm fat long before anyone else and if I'm not visibly muscular I feel like a weakling. My body has gotten to the point where I feel pain if I don't work out. When I do I feel exhaustion. I know I do it more than I should until I'm dripping sweat and spend the next couple hours in a half-thinking haze.
And at times like this I think of my father. I wonder how dissatisfied he is with me. I wonder if he's sad that his life didn't turn out the way it did and only one son lived the life he hoped for his kids.
I think about my past girlfriends and where they are now. I wonder if they remember me and if they do, aren't angry or ashamed. Was I just someone back when or did they think more? I wonder if they think the same things I do?
It's time to accept that I feel ostracized from most people. I've made great strides in bettering this part of me and I wonder about the person that lived years ago that caused all these thoughts. It feels like replaced memories. It's difficult to keep in touch with friends that know me only for who I was. I know those friendships won't last much longer.

Sometimes I think I'm the only person that thinks about shit like this but I know that can't be true.

A and I fought all weekend. From what I've learned this weekend I know we won't be together indefinitely. Sometimes I wonder why we're together now. We're very different and fought for several different reasons, none important enough to go into right now.

The high point of the weekend was seeing Blowfly, a very strange show. Three rap acts opened up for them, each one better than the one before it until Blowfly comes out in his mask, cape and a costume resembling pajamas covered in cheap craft store glitter. Each song was about sex- Should I Fuck That Big Fat Ho sung to the Clash tune, Fuck Your Boss and his new single R. Kelly in Cambodia. He singled audience members out to sing the song about them and while I was R. Kelly, he had a massive woman come out to the front of the stage to sing Should I Fuck This Big Fat Ho. Much of the audience looked stunned, as if the woman would burst out into tears at any moment and at one point I thought she might.

While I was looking over the merch he had been talking to A and pointed at her and told me I'd have to ask his boss when I asked for his photo. When I told him I was her boss he got pissed; "Bitch, you two-timing me?!"

We went home happy and made up for the night, went to a flea market the next day and spent the rest of the afternoon pissed off at each other, our irritation bubbling under the surface. I know I'm to blame for much of it though she's not without fault either. Both of us see things differently and when we're completely honest with each other, as we are, it tends to get on the other's nerves. It's a political thing.

I found an article I wrote years ago posted on someone's webpage. It's not a very well known page and I doubt it's even maintained anymore, but seeing what I wrote printed out word for word without my permission only added to my already frustrated mood. I contacted the server and only received a processed set on instructions I could follow to get it legally taken off. I had to prove it's mine by sending in clarification I don't have and contact their lawyer. I have it on my hard drive on an undated file as I never thought it would be something I would have to worry about being stolen. It was a quick piece I wrote off as a joke. This is why I rarely let anyone see what I write. I've got to be more careful when sending out anything.

For the past few weeks C and I have gone out on her days off to get errands done, get groceries or whatever needs to get done. Since I moved and things have changed since I first got here we haven't seen each other that much it's a good time to reconnect. I talk to her about A and what's going on and hear what's going on with her. It's a bit strange how similar they are. They've never met each other but both seem to have the same interests and the same concerns.
We went out yesterday to get groceries and I wanted to pick up some weights. I haven't worked out since I got my own place. I've been running fairly regularly and am in shape but miss having the build I used to. I had been to Sports Authority before but found most of their equipment cheap and overpriced. The people working there seemed very disinterested in customers and since it was a big purchase I was hoping to get them somewhere else.
There is a place closer to me that's more like a warehouse full of just gym equipment, weights and extras. I found just what I was looking for and then went grocery shopping. While there I decided to make frito pie, a new meal I tried in a restaurant that A told me she ate a lot as a kid. C and I ended up buying tons of groceries and I called A and told of her my plans. She was excited and bragged to her friend about the amount of sex we had, expecting to get some that night.
It was a great meal, though not the healthiest. Afterwards we lay there full and digesting while she fell asleep. I lay next to her, not tired at such an early hour and got up to use the weights I bought.
It felt incredible. A couple years ago I would stock up on meat, go to the gym then come back and eat to gain muscle. I lost a lot of it since but with such a meal in my stomach, and the amount of time I had gone without a good workout I could really feel it. I probably didn't go for more than twenty minutes but I got all I could out of it. I could already see muscles growing back and I worked up a good sweat. This morning I woke stiff, aware that it had been too long since I had.
A slept through the night though we did have sex this morning. I feel great. In a few weeks I should be back to a good build and a good workout. The weights were the best thing I bought in a while. I plan to get a lot of use out of them.

Some guy came through here looking at the building and said he'd be the new landlord. He plans to buy the place and will live upstairs. The guy above me is moving out so he'll probably take that unit. I was praying that a family wouldn't move in above me because I can hear everything that goes on up there and it would drive me nuts. This guy seems a little more sedate.

Blowfly is going to be at The Note Saturday. I almost lost my shit when I heard that, especially since I wasn't sure if he was alive or not. His alter ego Clarence Reid is playing at The Hideout a few hours before. I plan to see both shows. Should be a very interesting night.



Music I've been listening to lately:

Funhouse Skull- Scissorfight
You Can't Stop the Progress- Clutch
Everett- Tree
R. Kelly in Cambodia- Blowfly

This is the problem with this place, A said it best, this place is half ass. The owners are trying to sell the building so they put some effort into making it marketable but somewhere along the way they said fuck it and stopped. People have come by to look at the place and considered buying it and each one I've seen has walked out without a word. The warped floorboards and lack of upkeep jumps out of them.
The place isn't bad. It's more pleasant and livable than a lot of places I've been but I wouldn't buy it for the price they're selling.
When they get a possible buyer they point them towards the kitchen; new floors, new cabinets, clean and large. They put a lot of work into the kitchen and then just stopped.
The floorboards in the hallway are coming apart and are broken or cracked. The living room floor is uneven.
There is central air and heating which looks good but only works rarely.
The kitchen, as nice as it looks has a fridge with a loose handle, though it would take no effort to fix it (and I would had I a screwdriver). The oven handle is broken. It throws off the originally pristine look of the room.
The bathroom, which also had some work done, has an uneven doorway that makes it resemble a funhouse. I guess they thought a new towel rack and toilet paper holder (not put on correctly) would be diverting enough.
The backyard has lush grass while the front yard that everyone sees is packed dirt and weeds.
There is no gate on the front steps and since we are the one of the few houses on the street without one, the neighborhood thugs hang out on the steps while they skip school. Now there is grafitti on the steps. Nice.
My guess is this house will be on the market for some time. Since this neighborhood is getting bought up by developers they will get an offer for it below what they are asking and they will refuse, hoping to find a buyer. Since they don't put any work into it it will stay unsold until, years later, they finally relent and sell it for less than they hoped. I plan to be gone by then.

Or they could spend a couple thousand dollars and spend a weekend doing some much needed repairs on it to make it presentable. Doubt that will happen.

It would help if they get rid of the lazy bastards they hired to manage this place that don't do anything or seem to care about the building at all.

This is why, in ten years, this neighborhood will be nothing but condos. People will complain and bitch but they will have no one to blame but the property owners who didn't give a shit about their own buildings and allowed them to fall apart.

The last few days have been nothing but work. Things are going well and I have a lot of things opening up. Both Tuesday and Monday have been busy and tomorrow promises to be even more so.
When I have free time A has spent the evenings with me. Tonight is the first night since before I left for New York I've had to myself. Up until this past year I've been a very reclusive person so being so socially active can still be somewhat draining. A is going to grad school orientation at the end of July and has a lot of reading and research to do until then. Tonight she's most likely working on it, allowing me the free time I wanted to just relax.

Taj Ma Holly
Rhoda Head
Louisa Ryder

I spent Saturday in Long Island seeing my family. Originally I had a ticket to get there Friday but a glitch in air traffic control left me stranded until the next morning. What is meant by a glitch I'm not sure but everyone on my flight kept getting pushed to the next flight to NYC hoping to get standby. Very few people got on.
Eventually most flights going to the East Coast were cancelled but at least we got a semblance of a reason. At first we were told there was no flight nor would there be refunds. Then we heard it was the weather, though no news outlet reported any strange weather. The closest thing we got to an answer was the Atlanta dropped all their flight paths due to a technical error. Since Atlanta handles the air traffic of the Easy Coast, no one could fly out. I camped out in O'Hare rather than take the hour long trip back home only to be up in three more hours to get the early flight out. I seem to spend a lot of time in airports than is normal. Eight hours in San Francisco, nineteen in O'Hare, this is strange for someone who flies not that often.
On to New York. I met up with my grandparents and great aunt and made the drive out to Long Island to see everyone else. We got together to mark my grandfather's nintieth birthday though it also was for my grandmother's birthday and their anniversary. It was to be the last such event, since they don't think they will be around much longer and, if they are, don't want such a big deal made on them again. Truthfully, they are in good health. Both are forgetful, which is especially odd for my normally very sharp grandmother, and they have lost a good deal of weight but considering how far they've come it's pretty amazing.
Both my brothers were there, my sister in law, my two nephews and my niece. It was held at the new home of my cousin who recently moved from a very small two bedroom home into a three story home on the other side of the island. Every floor is marble, it has a huge kitchen, wraparound driveway, in ground pool, playroom with pool table and a bar. I felt old seeing my young cousin not only as a mom with two kids but in such a home, the kind you'd spend your entire life planning and saving for.
Had a great time playing with my nephews, talking to all my cousins and all the family I never met before or haven't spent a lot of time left. With both cousins getting married recently, our family has grown quickly so I don't even know who's who.
There were no problems, nothing holding up the day. Everyone got along and my grandfather was touched. It was one of those times you look to when things are going bad; "Some day we'll all get together and things will be much better." Everything feels great, though when so many of my family gets together I always think how much my mother would have enjoyed it.

The past few years have been rife with comdemning exposes on everything from politics to the environment that it's become a very popular entertainment genre. Yet this is not a new thing. It has been in place since before the Industrial Revolution. Upton Sinclair's The Jungle heralded the ruthlessness of the meat industry and Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation showed nothing changed a century later.
I believe the universe to be cyclic. Everything runs it course, grows stronger, weakens and dies. I'm not sure where the peak of humankind is but we are past it. Not only that but we have gone past the point of no return. The world has been in an almost continuous state of war for the last century, there is not enough food to feed all the world's inhabitants. Viruses have outpaced medical science's ability to find cures, politics have become nothing more the greed and dishonesty while corporations have grown into monstrousities more powerful than they countrys that contain them.
People are finally waking up and noticing the glaring evils in today's world only to find there is no solution. The problem has become to great to be able to remedy now. Small countries, civilized for thousands of years are still seen as "developing" and preyed on by younger, more industrialized countries who reward their labor by paying them too little, ensuring that the country will never better itself and will stay enslaved to them.
In The Corporation, a speaker said it best; "We're in a freefall and we thing we're flying." Most people don't care, others busy themselves in trivialities while missing the elephant in the living room.
It worries me more and more. In my lifetime the world will become a terrible place to live. Economies will sicken, governments will weaken and people will become even more self involved and apathetic. There have been more than enough warnings and now it's inevitable.

My place is still mostly empty but I'm growing very comfortable here. I tend to nest wherever I live, staying up late writing and going out for work or supplies and I already got into that habit here. I went and picked up the payment for my modem from Errol so I won't be back to that place again. I left some kitchen stuff there but I'm not going back for it.
I've collected a bunch of furniture though half my stuff is still in boxes. I bought a lot of supplies, something I knew I had to do for a while. Today, while making dinner, I realized how much better it felt that everything I was using was mine. I borrowed a lot of stuff when I had nothing but now the plates, silverware, food, dishtowels, surge protectors, refridgerator magnets, everything in here is mine and that's calming in an odd way.

I used to be pretty materialistic and that's mostly gone but I can't help but appreciate having my own place and my own things.

I am leaving for Long Island on Friday for the weekend. Everyone is throwing a final birthday party for my grandparents. They aren't dying, they just don't want to celebrate anymore. I'm sure most people on my mom's family will be there- my aunt, uncle, cousins, their kids and spouses, as well as my brothers, niece and nephews.
I don't mind NYC if I'm only there for a short while and have something to do but I'll be on Long Island most of the time and I really don't like Long Island. It's worth it to see my family though. I haven't seen them in years. I'm sure a lot has happened. It will be a busy time.