and I wonder how the hell I got here, at this spot, at this time right now. I wonder about all the things that happened to put me right here, now and what was the purpose? It doesn't seem really and it doesn't seem like the same person. Things that happened, even a year ago seem like an old movie I didn't pay attention to.
Most of the day I'm hot, I'm tired and I'm sore. I'm pretty sure my need to exercise is a mental condition. I have some body image issues. I think I'm fat long before anyone else and if I'm not visibly muscular I feel like a weakling. My body has gotten to the point where I feel pain if I don't work out. When I do I feel exhaustion. I know I do it more than I should until I'm dripping sweat and spend the next couple hours in a half-thinking haze.
And at times like this I think of my father. I wonder how dissatisfied he is with me. I wonder if he's sad that his life didn't turn out the way it did and only one son lived the life he hoped for his kids.
I think about my past girlfriends and where they are now. I wonder if they remember me and if they do, aren't angry or ashamed. Was I just someone back when or did they think more? I wonder if they think the same things I do?
It's time to accept that I feel ostracized from most people. I've made great strides in bettering this part of me and I wonder about the person that lived years ago that caused all these thoughts. It feels like replaced memories. It's difficult to keep in touch with friends that know me only for who I was. I know those friendships won't last much longer.

Sometimes I think I'm the only person that thinks about shit like this but I know that can't be true.