I'm only writing in this site for me now. I've told very few people and those that I did have most likely forgotten. I'm going to put exactly what I feel, which has been like shit lately. I'm not going to try to hide it or censor it. I want to know exactly how I'm thinking right now if I look at this down the road.

I've decided that if things don't improve I'm going to give away what little I have left, say goodbye to all those that I've cared about in my life, rent a car and drive off a mountain. Whenever I've pictured killing myself it's always been in the desert. It's huge and empty. By the time anyone finds my remains there'll be too little left and I can just disappear, which is how I want it. I can't seem to find my place in life so I'll just take myself out of it. I think more and more I should have died in my accident at age 12. Things haven't been right since. I keep feeling like I shouldn't have been here. I probably shouldn't have. I was meant to die then but by some fluke I survived but there was no room for me.

Before, when I was a kid, and thought of this I always did it out of spite. I wanted attention so badly I thought maybe at least I could get it at my funeral. I don't care about that now. I just want out. Thank god I never had any kids and won't leave everyone behind. Most people will forget about me in a couple of months, which is how I want it.

I feel bad about leaving Kam and J, they will be the only ones that will really be hurt by it and I'm sure that fact will keep me around longer.
My dad seems so sad anyway, and has gone through so much, I don't think this will cause any lasting harm.
My brother will be sad but I know he's the type of guy that can handle it. My SIL probably already expects me too sooner or later. Thankfully my niece and nephews are still kids so they probably won't remember me much.
My oldest brother I hardly see anymore anyway.
I miss my mom. If she was still around things would be so much different.

Nothing is going especially wrong now, I just feel so removed from the world. I don't talk to anyone all day, I just float around. There's no reason to be here. I don't feel comfortable around people at all. It's getting colder and that always depresses me. I see all that people have in their lives- a house, car, friends and I wonder how they got all that and why it is so difficult for me to get any of those things.