Writing is a miserable way to live. To be good at it you have to lock yourself away and focus you entire life on writing and improving your style. Writers by trade are very anti social, mostly miserable people. Your life focuses on your work. If it's not going well nothing in your life seems to be. Every wonder why so many writers are junkies, drunks or otherwise fucked up? Burroughs, Hemingway, Faulkner....

Today my writing is going ok.

My life bleh. I have felt like I've been on the verge of something serious for years. I keep feeling like I'm one step away from a major catastrophe. For too long I've thought that but for the luck of the draw I could be homeless, diseased or dead. Being alone isn't a problem, I constantly think of suicide. I just go through periods where I think of it less.
I wear earplugs when I sleep. It's something I had to do to get any sleep when I lived in the dorm at school. They completely shut off all sound and I felt like I was completely alone when I closed my eyes. It was so peaceful and I could rest in peace.
I've taken that habit with me and most nights I still wear earplugs though not for the same reasons. They shut out sounds but I mostly wear them for a sense of solitude. When I'm wearing them I feel completely shut off. I try to keep them in as long as I can when I wake.

I have a love/hate feeling for other people. Sometimes I hate being alone, I've always been and I feel like I always will be but then I get around people and I can't wait to go home and be alone and away from them. I see people my age with a family, kids and how they're up early, people always somewhere nearby, never any peace. I would go batshit crazy. Maybe that's a social problem too- always needing to be around people. Dependency?

Writers are such solitary, miserable people. I don't consider myself one yet, that's too ridiculous, yet I know I have the character down. Looking back at my life it seems I was destined to be one. Writing can be agonizing and slow but I feel like I must do it. It's really the only thing I really have and without it nothing would matter much. Even with it sometimes dying seems so preferable.