I wasn't sure if I should get into this at all because it's long over but I figured I should since it was a major concern of mine on top of everything else when I first got here.

When I was living in Boston I was researching cities to see which would be the best fit. I narrowed it down to Chicago and Atlanta and had plans to visit each. Chicago was first and while there I met a woman named KT. We got along better than I could have ever hoped for and I spent the entire visit with her. By the time it was over we had made plans for me to move in with her.

Around that time I was dwelling on a lot of things. My career was stalled, I felt removed from my family and most of my friends had moved on. Boston seemed old and tired. I'd been there for too long and had done everything I could there. Every street held memories and, though I had a good time there I felt like I had to leave.

I was also wondering where my life was going. I had been through relationships and was bored with dating. I didn't expect a lot out of the women I was with because I didn't know exactly what I was looking for and when I met KT it seemed obvious. The one thing that truly made me happy was being with her, being there for her and spending my life making hers better. I wanted to be her support, show her all the happiness she's ever wanted. She talked about marriage very soon after we met. At the time I laughed it off but soon I warmed to the idea. It would be wonderful being married to this woman, despite only having known her for a short time.

As always happens, the truth began to filter through the rosy filter I was looking through. She smoked, which I couldn't stand (and broke up with girls for it in the past) and, looking back, she seemed awfully self involved. Every day was a drama for her. This fueled my need to keep her safe so I didn't notice or care at first but even in our short time together she began to show signs of emotional dependence. At the time it was part of the charm, this timid woman always looking for reassurance and attention.

On the last night we had a huge blowout. Despite having a huge amount of work to do she fell asleep after I left for the airport. We made up the next morning and discussed my staying for a few more days. I considered it but didn't plan it and wanted to get home and take care of things. As it happened, my flight was cancelled but instead of being happy she was irate when I told her. She picked me up at O'Hare rigid and angry at me for asking her for a lift back, though I offered to stay in the terminal. I took her away from the work she was rushing to finish for the next day at work.

Our last night together was the longest I spent with her. I left wondering if I would ever see her again and if I would want to. Looking back, I can see I was desperately in need of something to change my life. I needed a change and liked the idea of being a husband. We shared common interests, the same sense of humor and had the same goals. At the time that seemed to be enough.

When I returned to Chicago I planned to propose to her. All I had to do was get my things in order, plan a good weekend to move and go. The first night back she called and we had a huge fight. I was ignoring her, going out with my friend J, a female. In her eyes this was cheating and I quickly went on damage control. She didn't trust me and I spent the next few days trying to get back into her good graces.

June dragged on. If I had known what would happen on the thirtieth of June I would have enjoyed it but all I could think of the entire month was getting out to Chicago. On the sixth KT called me crying because her dad had died the month before and it was his birthday. I spent hours trying to calm her down and make her feel better, even offering to get a flight in that night.

In the month of June we talked almost daily and fought almost every time. I realize now she needed emotional affirmation though she rarely returned any affection. Twice I stopped talking to her only to have her panic and call me desperately.

I consider myself a good judge of character and have often ended things with past girlfriends after recognizing their intentions and the fact that I left this go on so long shows how desperately I wanted a real, loving relationship. Unfortunately, she was not someone that could offer it.

Katie was 38 and never married. She had been involved in a few close long term relationships, all of which she still talks about glowingly. She painted the picture of her ex boyfriends being wonderful people with only slight flaws that forced her to break up with them. Everything must be perfect for her, because she won't stick around to try to fix anything. She shouldn't have to compromise, she told me.

Still, I stayed and, despite the adolescent phone relationship we were going through, I hoped for the better. The day came for me to leave and she offered no help in getting me set up in town. In her eyes I was already out of her life. I only wish I had seen that then.

When my truck caught fire she was initially shocked but said she couldn't help me make it to town as she was leaving for a weekend at the beach that afternoon. After such a response that should have been our last conversation. When I made it into town she didn't want to see me. The last time I saw her was two weeks later.

I went to see her at the bar where she worked and was met with friendly indifference. I was set against getting close to her after being snubbed after the fire but she made no indication that I was anything other than a distant friend. I left and never saw her again.

In the weeks since we've written each other a handful of times. Mostly I initiated so I could get back the clothes I left at her house and a few of the times she ended up fighting as usual. I'd had enough and wanted nothing to do with her at that point.

I still have regrets over everything falling apart but mostly I'm comforted in knowing that the good memories we had together were never honest. I filled a role for her and once she had gotten past that she had no use for me. It was difficult at first, I put too much on her and looked for things in her she could never offer but I know it would have been worse to be with her than without her. I didn't want her as much as I wanted the idea of someone there. For what I was looking for, she fit the role nicely.

I questioned my worth as a partner and put a lot of undue blame on myself. I've always been a very caring boyfriend and held the idea that marriage is something I would excel at. I felt I'd failed and that only added to my worries of being in a new town with nothing to my name. Now I know the fact that I put so much work into it when so little was returned showed that I am more than that. It wasn't right and I can only be thankful that we only went as far as we did.

Had we stayed together there would have been almost constant fighting, followed by half hearted making up. The sex was mediocre and, like the rest of the relationship, I put more effort into it than I got back. If we were together I would never be able to work on my book as every moment of my free time would have been taken by her and I wouldn't have been able to live for myself. My main concern, my goal, is to write and I don't want anything to keep me from that. Had we stayed together I would have found it difficult to ever write again.