I hate hate FUCKING HATE talking on the phone for hours. I don't mind talking on the phone for brief conversations, messages or the making of plans but to just sit and gab and analyze every fucking thing is somewhat like slow torture.

Before I left J and I were our closest friends and spent most of our free time together. I moved to Chicago and I knew it would be hard on both of us. At first it was really hard on me and now it's hard on her. I do all I can to make her feel better, devoting hours of phonetime to get her to feel better, cheer her up and let her see the bright side of things.
If things were different I would have married her. She's been the kindest, most honest, most devoted woman I've ever dated but I would ultimately have been unhappy. She cares for me more than anyone else ever did (and still does) but there are certain things that makes us incompatible. She has clinical depression which goes very badly with my tendencies and bouts of depression. She wants a family, wants to settle down. I don't.
Initially when we broke up years ago we spent some time apart but got together as friends. Slowly that turned into lovers again and when she got attached we had a long talk about friendship and how we would continue. I've since made an effort to steer us away from anything in that area though she leaves hints every now and then.

She wants to come up here and celebrate my birthday. It's a good idea and one I'm not opposed to but I'm trying to maintain a distance between us. I want to be her friend but I don't want her to get the impression that I'm moving back. I know she keeps hoping for it and that's not going to happen. The more I push, the sadder she gets until I have to reconcile everything and cheer her up again. She takes this as something else and revives all the feelings she had.
It sucks because I like her but there's no way anything will happen between us. I've even told her that but I think she reserves a hope that it will. I don't want her to come because it would send the wrong message. I don't want us to always go running to each other when we're lonely. We live on opposite sides of the country, we need to make do.

I spent an hour on the phone with her discussing a potential move for teaching and when that ended she wanted to know why I didn't want her to come up. I could feel the time I had planned just to relax after work slowly leaking away and I just wanted to get the fuck off the phone.

I advised her to take the job or take another one but not to keep doing what she's doing. She's too overqualified and needs something to devote herself to. I think I'm the main thing on her mind and I'm hundreds of miles away. She doesn't want to lose her place, might not like the job, etc and I told her about me moving here and risks and all. I didn't want to come off as knowing everything when I'm still figuring shit out and have got my own problems but if I stayed in Boston and worried about the move I'd be in much worse shape than I am now. I think she needs some shaking up. That sounds really pompous considering all the whinging I've done here but it would help. She needs a change. She's lived in the same neighborhood in the same apartment since grad school while all her friends went off.

I would have her come up, I like seeing her but it would be awkward and give the wrong impression. I feel like shit about this because she's probably treated me better than anyone in my life and I want to be as good to her. I don't want to hurt her, I want to lessen her loneliness but I can't go back to Boston and do it. That's the only thing that would really end it.

When she asked who I was planning to spend my birthday with I told her the truth- no one. I'd like for someone to make the effort though. That's what I'm hoping. She wanted to know more so I told her everything. I told her about the dates I've had since I've gotten here, I told her they didn't work out, I told her about C, how I hardly ever see her anymore. I didn't tell her about KT though, if she found out I left for her I think that would be the end of our friendship.

When our grandparents returned from World War II they wanted to start families and protect their children from what they had to face. They endured terrible economic hardships and seen the worst of humanity and would do anything they could to keep their children from it. They returned home, bought homes, had families and children. It was the most prosperous time in this country's history.
Their children grew up to become the greediest, most self serving generation in this world's history. They took advantage of the prosperity to collect weath and kicked away the ladder, placing restrictions on any they want the same.
They used natural resources frivilously, leaving little for those that come after them.
While condemning the next generation for their permissiveness the acceptance of infidelity has become widespread and the rate of divorce has skyrocketed.
Drugs have been vilified. Why should their kids experiment as they did.? It may influence them to question and protest as they did.
Painting themselves as the martyrlike benefactors while condemning their kids, they shake their heads as their discontent, never realizing how they path they took has been ruptured in their wake.
Our society has become incredibly shallow and materialistic due to the oversaturation of advertising and oneupmanship that has been propagated wherever we look. Spoiled and coddled themselves, the baby boomers find themselves depressed, miserable and discontent as adults, a trait they pass on to their children.
Instant gratification has become the norm and they medicate themselves with over the counter narcotics then prescribe the same treatment the children.
Young children, not yet old enough to drive a car, go through puberty with the help of Luvox and Prozac, unable to learn from themselves. Their teachers and parents, saddled with rage, depression and alcoholism see them as just another problem child with permissive parents.
The child, unable to find relief in anything, is turned away wherever he goes. His parents, too caught up with themselves and the idea of their happy, placid son, never see what is really happening.

Confused, scared, and hurt, this happens




and it is blamed on this



and this



The metal band GWAR once appeared on the Jerry Springer show on an episode about the influence of music on children. A mother, her own son a huge fan of the band, was there to confront them. I'm sure the audience and the mother expected them to act like uncivilized beasts, much like the characters they play on stage. When she criticized them for promoting such behavior from children she was instead met with sensible reasoning. It is an outlet, she was told, and a healthy one at that. They "promote" clean, non aggressive fun. No one has ever been killed at a GWAR show. Most people leave very happy, if not a little sweaty. They're your kids, he said, you should watch over them and know them better and not blame his problems on musicians that have no contact with them.

My point: Take responsibility for your own kids and stop trying to find the easy way out.

As much as they'd like to disbelieve it, parents have the most influence on their children.

Dedicated to Eric Harris (4/20/99), Dylan Klebold (4/20/99), Kipland Kinkel, and any kid that never got to tell their side.

I ended up googling the name of a girl I used to ride the bus with in the early years in elementary school. I didn't like the girl, for our small town she was thought of as a criminal in training, which is why I wanted to see what happened to her. Her name came up in the alumni page of the high school in the town I grew up in. Interested, I looked further and saw that names of many kids I had gone to school with in Elementary school.

I grew up in a very calm, small New England town. I consider it my hometown though when I went back a few years ago I felt no connection with it. It's a fairly wealthy, elitist little burg that thankfully has changed little over the years. It has managed to stay free of all the chain stores or at least allowed less obtrusive versions.

I found the town page and the articles and opinions by those that grew up there or still reside there. One thing seems to be constant; the complaining disguised at humor that each contributor wrote about; who was "New Westport" and who was "Old Westport." Despite the fact that little had changed many people lament how much the town has changed and how outside interests are exploiting the town. I don't doubt that's true but it's to be expected as time passes. It's nothing new and happened to every generation down to the Mayflower setting foot on Plymouth Rock (though that incident was constructed.) Change is difficult to stop, sometimes impossible and groaning about it only shows how stagnant you are becoming. Compared to most of the world, Westport is beautiful. I thought I would hate it when I visited but I find myself missing it.



That's something I see everywhere. Long time residents bemoan the "new blood" coming into an area and ruining it. I heard about it in Memphis and I couldn't not hear about it in South Boston (those fuckers would be happy to see the schools resegrated and the Irish mob running the streets once again. Fuck change.)

USA Today, a shit newspaper only slightly better than the NY Post and the Boston Herald, ran a story about South Boston changing and the old timers bitching about how everything has changed. This comes on the heels of Ben Affleck filming a movie in the neighborhood. Talk about new blood, Affleck was raised in Northern CA and lived in Cambridge, a much more intellectual and costlier area than South Boston. The fact that he's playing up this South Boston image is a joke.
Lots of old duplexes are being bought up and turned into condos. It's the same formula seen in neighborhoods around the country- old time residents, tired of living hand to mouth in the city, take the big payoff to move out and leave their house to developers. Those that can't sell only grumble about yuppies and non-neighborhood types (re: those without a criminal record) "taking over their neighborhood."

Memphis, South Boston and Westport are all vastly different areas with very different people. Which proves some things are the same wherever you go. People cry about losing what they consider their history or what they perceive as their past. I learned this when I went back to see the house I grew up in renovated to twice it's size and the woods I used to play in cut down to make room for more houses. It was the perfect town to grow up in at the right time but that's long over.

It would be a lot easier to enjoy your life if there weren't so many things trying to kill you every day.

The problems start even before you're fully awake. There's the fall out of bed that kills 600 Americans each year. There's the early-morning heart attack, which is 40 percent more common than those that strike later in the day.
There's the fatal plunge down the stairs, the bite of sausage that gets lodged in your throat, the tumble on the slippery sidewalk as you leave the house, the high-speed automotive pinball game that is your daily commute.

That was the top story this morning on CNN. It ran all day until a few more bodies in Iraq pushed it to the bottom. After that grew old an in depth story of the world's busiest travel day going by without any problems. What happened to make that the headliner? Nothing. It was just a day of smooth traveling with no terrorists taking over planes, no air rage, no people pulled out of line for a contraband bag of Vitalis and Barbasol, just a day where travelers came home fat from a few days off. Nothing to worry about here...just your typical day...everything's ok...just go about your business.



My father sent me some more right wing propaganda comparing the crime rate and annual murders in California to the body count in Iraq. Here's a surprise- it's higher in California. So why worry about Iraq then? Exactly...

Calm down everyone, nothing to see here...

The unexpectedly busy holiday weekend continues.

Friday I went to see Tenacious D and hauled my ass over to UIC to see more college students than I've ever seen in my life. The weed was heavy in the air and the bubble headed girls had to act out every lyric to every song. Why is it that every girl does the "stripper dance" to any song? Does every girl have a hidden desire to be a stripper? I saw one do it at during Creeping Death at a Metallica show once. No shit. That's what I get for coming late and ending up too far from the stage.

Great show. Neil Hamburger opened. You know Neil Hamburger, the guy who tells jokes like "Why did Julia Roberts smear shit all over her vagiiiiiina? Because she was hoooooooorny," all in an irritating nasal tone between phlegmy coughs and hacks. Another good joke; "What do you call a senior citizen that is constantly flashing her wrinkled breasts? Madonna." Another? Ok. "Why won't Courtney Love have Cranberry Sauce at Christmas dinner? Because she'll be dead."
"Why won't Paris Hilton take a shit on Courtney Love's toilet? Because she's sitting on it dead."

That's what you hear for about half an hour, tired, shoulder to shoulder with chad and biff. His only purpose is to antagonize the crowd until they yell at him enough for him to lose it and bark out "SHUT UP YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SHIT! I SHOULD HAVE HELD A GUN TO YOUR MOTHER'S HEAD WHEN I FUCKED HER IN THE ASS SO I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR ABORTED FETUS SHIT STAINED MOUTHS! FUCK YOU!" Great hilarity ensued. Eventually things were being thrown at him until a coin hit the glass he was carrying and broke it. He walked off victoriously, his finger in the air.


Neil Hamburger

Tenacious D came out on a set made to look like KG's place. They started rocking out with Kielbasa in his living room, soon joined by their friend Lee. A third of the way into their set they electrocuted themselves and got sent to hell.


Tenacious D at KG's

Down comes a screen showing them in hell putting together a band made up of Col. Sanders on drums, Charlie Chaplin on bass and the Anti Christ on guitar. If you saw the movie it's supposed to make sense. I didn't (yet).



They played almost all their songs; Jesus Ranch, Dio, Explosivo, Wonderboy and all of their new album; The Government Totally Sucks, Master Exploder, Car Chase City and came out for an encore that included Tribute and a Tommy medley.



Great show, better than most bands I've seen. Better than System of a Down, better than Fantomas, better than Butthole Surfers, better than Motorhead (it was an off night).

Eventually Beelzebub came out and they had a rock off before JB started singing about how great metal is.

I gathered enough food to keep me inside for the long four day weekend. The week before you may remember I went out and got several games and was certain I would have enough to keep me entertained over this long weekend. I have a ticket to see Tenacious D on Friday and, other than a vague offer to hang out with someone, I didn't see myself going out very much this weekend. I wanted to sleep late, play video games and eat whenever I liked.
Tuesday night I get a late night phone call from a woman telling me she's returned from her vacation in Mexico. Half asleep, I tell her how great it is that she's back and she offers to get together. Her number doesn't show up on my cell and I don't recognize her voice. I piece together what she's telling me and I remember it's a woman I met online and had a temporary correspondence. She was married but estranged as she cheated on her husband and didn't want to be with him anymore. When she blamed it on him "not exciting her anymore" I called her on it and explained that that's no reason for cheating and marriage is not always easy. We had a shaky coversation since then and I put her out of my mind. I don't want to get involved with a woman that thinks so loosely on committment and rationalizes her infidelity.
I had a lot of time this weekend and we did have some great conversations so I accepted her offer. We met last night and had a great time. She is very midwest- cute, domestic, even has a faint hint of the accent. She reminds me of Nancy from years ago.
Today she came over and brought me a turkey dinner. It was wonderful, just what I needed.
Now I'm wondering what I'm doing. I'm not sure if she's someone I should involve myself with, even if she wasn't married. She's cool but I'm really not the type of person that fits with a small town midwest type of girl. I'll just play it by ear.

Thanksgiving is a good idea, a day where people spend time with the people closest to them and enjoy a feast but it never turns out that way. Today's families always end up fighting and uncomfortable. Greed and self centeredness draws people away from each other and I know few people who actually look forward to spending a day with their family without emotionally preparing themselves to face it. Only now is my family able to manage the holidays without altercations.
My family is not meeting this year. We usually meet at my married brother's house but he is spending it with his inlaws. Neither my oldest brother or father have any desire to invite everyone over and make a spread. If we were to meet we would most likely end up going to a restaurant which we did once before and is, well, depressing. I do my best not to do any traveling this week in any case. Same with shopping. I'm staying home and relaxing when the holiday mania starts.
The fact that Thanksgiving as we imagine it, with Pilgrims sitting down and sharing food with Native Americans most likely never happened and, if it did, was the prelude before the massacre of the indigineous people by the new settlers also makes the holiday that much more unnecessary. Many Native Americans still consider this a day of mourning the land taken from them as well as the lives of their ancestors. It is no celebration.

I've really let things go by the wayside. The days have gotten shorter and colder and, as is my habit, I've become less active. I've begun hibernating. I go to work, come home, have dinner, play video games and that's usually it. My exercising has slowed, my diet has become cheaper and I get lazier. My writing has almost stopped and though I did all my laundry last night my room is too cluttered. I'm working on saving my files on this computer for the big wipe. I recovered them when I got the computer back but since he didn't fix the problems I'm going to do it myself, delete everything and start over. My tv still doesn't get channels either but I don't care about that.
Though I've gotten sharper I've been thinking too much. In fact I think constantly, which can be a problem if you're as analytical as I am. Most of the time I consider my problems and what I can do to make them better. If I don't I just feel like shit.
Granted, I've gotten a lot done- more than I could have hoped- but there's a lot more way to do.

I haven't had health insurance for years. I haven't needed it but it would be nice to go the dentist.

Sometimes I think my financial situation is pretty pathetic. I've never really been wanting for money, but I've never saved enough either. I think most people my age feel the same way but I'm not sure. I'm not struggling but I'm not particularly happy with everything either. At least I'm making more now than I have for years. I worry about retirement. I wonder if I've put away enough and then wonder why should I care since I won't make it to retirement anyway.

I don't have many friends but I'm happier than I have been and find it easier to talk to and approach people.

I feel like I've aged so much this past year. My emotional state has definitely aged. I've cut my hair so short you can see I've lost some in front and now I worry I may be losing some on top. I can't tell. I really only care when I look in the mirror. I like the feel of short hair but it's freaky seeing me looking so old. I'm growing a beard out so I look even older.

Of course I'm much harder on myself than I am on anyone else.

I don't think most people have anything too exceptional to shoot for in their lives. Most just want to start a family or make money or be happy. Some want to be doctors or aspire to something but not all. Those that do gain satisfaction from working to get to where they want even if they never attain it. That's why college is so great. You know that's where you should be. The future isn't set yet and you don't know if you will or won't make it. You expect you will, you know you will, so everything is perfect. For that set of years you're right where you should be, doing what's expected of you.
On your own you struggle to get where you want to be, not really certain if you'll ever make it. Few of us do. I still don't and worry about it constantly. I worry I won't ever do what I want to do and enjoy working to get there but I think that worry is too much for some people and we end up settling. We look for happiness and security. Most find a good, stable job and comfort in marriage or a family, telling ourselves being a good father and husband is goal enough.
I once thought that way and tried it but it didn't work. It hardly lasted more than a few months but the happiness I felt in those months was wonderful. It was one of the happiest times of my life. I know it's not what I was meant to do and I've got to keep struggling. I'm sure I'll struggle for the rest of my life in one way or another.

Also, some of the work I've done on a textbook will be published so my work will be published. Pretty cool, eh? I'm going to say it's the first of many.

Music I'm listening to: X Under the Big Black Sun and Chaimillionaire Ridin' Dirty.

Saturday was a blow off day. I didn't do anything but watch movies and play PS2. I needed a day like that after letting my mind work too much the past couple days. It's fucked up the directions it will go when you have nothing to really focus on.

Sunday came and I made it a point to get out. I wanted to see Borat but I don't know the theaters around here yet and the one I thought was showing it wasn't. Instead I went to Wicker Park. Again.
I'm soothing my boredom with consumption. Just in time for Xmas. I went and got two dvds- Cannibal Holocaust (my favorite horror movie lost in the fire) and X Men 3, which topped my list of movies I have to get. I ended up getting more PS2 games than I thought, including the original Guitar Hero since I already beat Guitar Hero II. It was worth it for being able to play Iron Man. I got Bully too, which I've been looking forward to playing for about a year.
Now I can just hibernate during the Thanksgiving weekend into the winter.

C called my yesterday afternoon. You know how you think about some wrong someone did to you, whether it was intentional or perceived only by you and the more you think about it the more you blow it up in your mind until you're just fuming, "I'll never speak to her again! If she calls me again I'm just going to lay into her and tell her what I think, etc etc..." I didn't do that because I knew I'd regret it later. She had some time out of work and wanted to get some lunch. I said sure and we went to a small bar off Roscoe.
We had a great time and I feel much better. I mentioned how I feel very briefly. "You know, I wasn't going to call again. I thought you didn't want to see me and I just thought 'that's it for her'". She just said she was always tired and upset after working a long shift.
Anyway. Good day and it was good to have her back again.

While waiting at the Damen stop for the train- only one track was being used at a time so they could do repairs- a woman got off at the other side of the tracks. She was very made up and very fashionable, like she had come out of an ad. A woman was beside her shorter, average looking. With nothing else to do I stood and watched. The woman wasn't as tall as she appeared but had on his stilettos and had very thin legs. She wasn't exceptionally beautiful but better than most. Her makeup made her look very elegant.
As people were leaving the stranded train she posed while her companion knelt and began clicking away. I had see impromptu model shoots on city streets before but, with nothing else to do I stood and watched.
To my left a couple came out and waited for the train. They were short, stubby and oafish looking. They both smoked heavily and their hair was gnarled and ratty. They bickered between each other. I watched them out of the corner of my eye, enjoying the contrast between the couple and the attractive model across the tracks.
There was a small crowd waiting with me and I looked around to see who everyone was watching. Would beauty or ugliness attract their attention? A few people watched the model but most seemed disinterested in any of them.
Just something interested. I thought.

Tenacious D on Thursday night.

One thing the past few months has taught me is how to be a better boyfriend. After all the shit I went through a few months ago one thing I'm proud of is that I didn't give up and stayed true to everything I said and treated her well no matter what happened. When it was over at least I could take pride in what I did and I kept it up until the end. The fact that it ended that way was her decision and I'm glad I saw the mistakes so I can know what not to do and who I'm compatible with.
The last few dates I've had have been surreal and it got me thinking. We're really a generation that's gotten completely self involved and if we don't get immediate gratification then it's not worth it. We've gotten to the drive thrus of dating.
I'm not entirely innocent either. This site itself is a prime example of self involvement but when I think about dating it just upsets me. As much as I talk about how I don't need a girlfriend and I prefer to be on my own, it's not entirely true. Cliche as it may sound, I've learned I'm more conservative (in no other way but in a relationship) and I'm more romantic than most men or women. I find myself looking for someone even when I've made it a point not to. I don't hit on women but I'm much friendlier than I've ever been in my life. I'm not desperate and I date much less than I could but I just feel like I should really be with someone, as fucked up as that sounds. I miss having someone around.
Now that I know who is or isn't suited for me it's easier to find but I find a lot of women that shouldn't be with anyone and are too immature or self involved to really date anyone seriously.
I feel so old. Looking for a ~stable~ ~monogamous~ relationship without the yelling, screaming and fucked up behind the back shit I've always been through. For the life of me I can't understand how I got into so many of those.
Don't worry, I'm not going to start picking out window treatments or anything. That's not my way.

I was thinking a lot about fear today. Not sure how I got on the topic but I was there. As a child I remember crying because I was certain I was going to hell. My mom tried to comfort me and said I didn't do anything to send me there which made me confess that I had done so many bad things, that I would surely be sent to hell. It bothered me for a while.

I was afraid of looking like an idiot. I was too nervous, too shy and said whatever came out of my mouth. I got into a lot of fights because my nervousness made me look like an easy target. I learned to fear people and hated authority. I never trusted them and they abused their power.

I rarely lost a fight and always left the other guy as bad off as I was. As I got older I worked out a lot more and got bigger. I started taking martial arts to learn how to fight and it made me quicker but eventually chose Ninjutsu for the spiritual aspect.

The Samurai have a code called Bushido which is a code of honor to uphold throughout life. It teaches acceptance of death and lack of fear over dying. Though I've never had a conscious fear of dying, I studied it.
That and the ideals of the grandmasters in Ninjutsu, that martial arts is an extension of nature and helps one to control their inner selves and live more peacefully, brought a lot to my life. I was much more confident and lost any fear I had of confrontations. I even went so far as too become too comfortable with it and too ready to fight when things went bad. I learned most people are too afraid of fighting that it very rarely ever becomes physical but you must always be ready.

I got into an alteraction once with a guy who reached into his bag when things got heated. I expected him to pull out a gun or knife and without a thought I told him if I saw it in his hand he would be in pain before he would be able to do anything with it. I knew I could and everything felt so perfect. If you're sure of yourself and your training, I've found at crucial moments it comes naturally.

I don't fear death. Too often I hope for it. I fear being crippled, being seriously injured and I fear squandering my life. That's my biggest fear. I fear falling in love and losing it, that seems too easy. I fear my friends becoming injured or dying. There are two people I really care about in this world, two people outside my family that I know will be with me for the rest of my life. If I lost either of them I don't know what I would do. I don't fear losing anything I own because I know they can (and have) been quickly replaced. I fear becoming destitute and having no options. That's my most common fear and I don't want to be an old man knowing what I could have done and never doing it.

I'm writing this so I don't have to write about how sad I felt for no reason in the middle of the day. Otherwise it was a good day.

Coming home today I felt the same way I always felt coming home in Boston. I was angry, tired and sick of everything, everyone and all the stupid shit I see them doing. I felt this all the time and thankfully have been without it since my move. It had been a longer, more stressful day than usual and I just wanted to get home. I guess the happiness and thrill of being in a new place has worn off and I'm reverting to what I was like in a place I am accustomed to. That's both a good and bad thing. One of my major improvements was that I'm not as angry and fed up as I once was so I'm going to work on it.

Earlier this week when I was talking to J, I told her how much I had improved since I got here. I didn't phrase it that way but rather how a lot of good has come with the bad. I told her how I felt more focused, smarter and not as distracted and scatterbrained as I once was. I told her I am more intense about everything and right when I said it I realized how apt it was. I've become much more intense, not in the teeth gritting/knuckle clenching way, but I've become much more thoughtful and determined. Things affect me more and I'm not as impulsive as I once was. I'm happier but that could be attributed to the newness of everything. I'm more pensive, which makes me depressed and sad. I go through extremes quickly, often within hours of each other. If you haven't learned that from reading this site then you haven't been paying attention.

There is a woman at work that plays on a roller derby team. We're pretty friendly, having spent a lunch talking about the pros and cons of Memphis (she loves it; for me love/hate) and she's probably the friendliest person there, especially to me. Turns out she's not only on the team but she helped found the league.
Strange this was because I have always had an unhealthy interest in roller derby girls, going so far as to post an ad on Craig's List looking for one (got some responses- none from roller derby girls and none worthwhile). She spent a lot of time talking about the women she plays with and how men are so afraid to go up and talk to them and how shy they are. When they go out they complain about how no guys will say anything to them and just sit together there lonely.



Where is this magical place where beautiful, tough and mean but sweet inside roller derby girls sit around and pine for some single man to talk to them, I ask?
One of their hangouts is the favorite bar of none other than KT, where I'm not allowed to go. Apparently they have some ins there though she admitted the middle aged punkers that live there are kind of sad. Strange how those people that moan about being so ostracized are the most inclusive ones. Strange that some people still hang onto cliques into middle age. Strange...

She mentioned the whole "looking for a single man" thing a couple of times, even asking me if I am. Hopefully they'll be some meetings with some badass rollerbabes in the future. Keep you posted...

Band of the day is MC5, brothers.



Killed by Death by Motorhead is playing. It's five till midnight. Chicago, Illinois...

They were unable to fix my computer. It was brought back here and I was advised to call Dell for a replacement. I did and spent about three hours tonight on the phone with someone that pretty much revived what I thought was a dead horse. It still has a few major glitches but I'm getting sent some stuff that should be a big help. It should be back up to speed in the future. Meanwhile I have everything on the hard drive saved on a disc so I can use it on future computers. I ended up not deleting anything. I was told everything on here was erased but it wasn't...

I've had it with C. As far as I'm concerned I don't want to see her again. For the past few weeks I've been dealing and scheduling time to see her. Most times I just get to have her come over, tired and pissed off from work, where she comes and crashes on my bed. Saturday night she came over and bitches at me, insults me and criticizes me. For a while I wondered what I did and then I thought about everything. It really smacks of so many past relationships- Kelly, KT...I see myself getting taken advantage of again. I wait on her and do all I can to make her feel comfortable only to not have her give a shit. She said I lost my chance and that's fine. It was over long ago. I really doubt she gave any thought to me as anything, even a friend for quite a while. I've got better things to do that spend my time with a woman that treats me like shit. I've been through that before.

Of course she's really the only person I talk to besides my roommate and people at work but I can manage. It's better than putting up with that.

I told her about this page long ago, even showed it to her but it's very unlikely she'll see this. When she went on all she wanted to do was find the parts I'd written about her. When I did she got frustrated and said she didn't have time for it. So that's that.

I got a tv and hooked up my playstation which, considering that it's burned and covered in smoke, is amazing that it still works. I got some new games, including Guitar Hero II which should provide entertainment now that I am lacking in companionship.



I had a long weekend which inspired me to get my PS2 out and wrote a long post about what I felt and how down I was but the computer shut off before I could save it. It's probably best.

My computer is much worse off than I thought. It's been out since last Thursday. Turns out the whole hard drive is fried. I will have to buy a new one but I have the one I rescued from my old, pre fire cpu that has been sitting on my shelf. It may be able to work. Right now it's out of my hands.

Spent the day running errands- cleaning the bathroom, getting window insulation and window tinting. My room is bright the moment the sun comes up and it never gets really dark. I ended up getting tinting, put it up, didn't like that light was still getting in and covered most of it with tin foil like Elvis did. It's really dark now, finally. It's freezing though. I may have to get a space heater. In South Boston I used to be able to see my breath in the living room. Soon I will be able to see in in my bedroom. If C stays over she'll be freezing. I want her to be comfortable.

I've been talking to a new woman, K, though I'm not sure how it will go. I haven't had much luck with Ks and really bad luck with KSs. She's got a good head on her though. We may get along. Frankly, I need to meet as many people as I can. I really need to know more than a couple people here.

*The reason KT was KT rather than K is because Kam was going to be K but Kam didn't care if I used his name or not*

I hate this time of year. November until April is the worst part. I especially don't like the holidays. As a kid I loved it but that seems like thousands of years ago. Last year I didn't get anything from anyone. At least not in my family. J celebrated my birthday with me, made me a cake and got me the PS2 game Gun (now burned up). My dad sent me a card. This year I'm not doing anything for anyone except C and J. I'll send my nephews and niece cards and a check but everyone else is getting dick.

I feel so old. I noticed all these grey hairs at the temples. My brother went very grey around his 25th birthday and now that my hair is so short they are more noticeable. I really want my hair to grow back. My scar is far too noticeable and I don't like people seeing it.
I weighed myself and I'm 203lbs. I was surprised since I've been around 190-195 for years. I know the extra weight isn't fat because I pretty much have none. I've gotten much more muscular, which I love but 203 is shocking regardless.

I put my book on hold for a while. It's at a rough spot right now and I need to think it through and decide which way it will go. Meanwhile I've started writing a short story that's flying along. It's about a kid in a hospital. Of course The Willow Tree inspired it.

It's a great day. Democrats have won the House and the Senate. Mitt Romney is out of office and Rumsfeld has stepped down. While at first all these things seem wonderful they are not as great as you'd like to believe. To me, the Democrats are the other side of the coin and have proven themselves as guilty of propaganda and dishonesty as the Republicans. Though I'd rather have anyone but the Repubs in power, let's see if they can live up to what they've been preaching. Personally, I'd like to see the whole government wiped out and started fresh. After Sept. 11th it's a wonder that didn't happen. How Bush still has a job after the World's Greatest Screwup is beyond me.
Rumsfeld was picked to step down for months. He was given up to make Bush look better, some meat to throw to the wolves if you will. He's running out of meat. Powell, Ashcroft and now Rumsfeld all gone. I'll be happy when Cheney or Rove is picked.

On my front, my computer is still being worked on and I may have to start from scratch when I get it back. Fuck. I managed to save most of it but we'll see what manages to last. This really sucks. It will take a while to get it all back, if I can.

I found out there are at least two other Blog Day Afternoons. One was a snarky political blog (like we need more of those) another was some bullshit inspirational blog with bad poetry on it. Not sure which I prefer less. I'm considering a lawsuit. I'd rather not be associated with such tripe.

Murder.....


I talked to the guy downstairs working on my computer and its worse than I thought. When I downloaded the programs first it knocked out my virus protection then, without knowing, I allowed it access to the internet. From there it let all its little friends in who spread like flesh eating bacteria and wreaked havoc. I was able to scoop the surface and take some of the little nasties out but my network card is fried and the entire HD may need to be wiped.
It's not so bad since I've only had it for three months and I'm able to save all the writing I did on it but it's still a huge pain in the ass.
Now I feel like I've been living in the colonial era. What did people do in the olden, pre internet days? I can't even go and write since I have no CPU. I've spent a lot of time writing in a notebook, like I used to do in high school and college. I try not to do that because it seems so pathetic- years later I found all these sheets of stories I had written in college and it seemed so sad. No one would ever read them. They weren't bad, I actually was impressed that I could write so well so long ago, but I knew they would go no farther than the paper. Still, there's something to be said for just writing, your words tiny and smashed together, knowing no one will ever see it.
I've spent a lot of time meditating as well. I imagine I'm injured and far away and alone and it's actually reassuring. When I had my accident years ago it was this time of year- grey and dismal and I spent most of the days in a dim room with only periodic checks by the nurse and hospital food (which I actually loved). I watched bad reruns of terrible shows and could only see the sky and part of the top floor of the hospital. Once in a while a bird would rest on the sill and that was a moment of excitement for me. In my memories I imagine it as a raven though it was most likely a pigeon.
Now I remember what it felt like, laying in bed for hours, feeling your body heal but too drugged to do anything else, wondering about friends, school, the world seemed so far away. It felt like I was removed from society. You could have dug a hole, thrown me in and buried me alive and I would have felt no different.
I've been writing a lot, which gets me to think that maybe I should get rid of the internet altogether and become the world's most prolific writer. In fact much of my work is reviewing bios of authors for textbooks and that's pretty encouraging. I had planned to do a long piece about how miserable most writers are or how much my life seems to parallel the lives of a lot of accomplished writers and I still may but right now I have to say how many writers are driven by loss. Most of it loss of love or family or sanity. F. Scott Fitzgerald, Edgar Allen Poe, Harry Crews, Emily Dickinson, HP Lovecraft, all had difficulties in love that fueled their writing and made them such unique authors. Ambrose Bierce was a cynical, mean motherfucker that couldn't hold a job for too long before going crazy. I've become obsessed with writing and writers. It's seem to have taken the place of sex as my no. 1 interest, which is good because I got sick of thinking about sex all the time.

Now I'm reading The Willow Tree, one of the few books I saved from the fire that I haven't read. It's by Hubert Selby Jr. and it's still covered in smoke, though not burned or water damaged. It seems appropriate for one of his books. He's another one driven by misery but writes such goddamnfantasticstuff you can't imagine anyone well balanced writing anything so real. I'll have to do a piece on him when I get things back together. What a fucked up life. He died in 2004 and I just heard about it last week. Surprised he lasted this long.
I can't read any of his stuff without becoming very morose and incredibly depressed so I don't start any of his books unless I'm already in that state. Right now I'm not, I'm actually unnaturally happy, but it seems the perfect time to read it- on the train in the morning, passing by the abandoned projects, the sky grey and the air still wet from the night's rain. The woman next to me was reading Tuesdays with Morrie. I'm not sure why.
The Willow Tree is about a boy living in a tenement infested with rats who was beat up for dating a hispanic girl. The girl had lye thrown in her face and now her mother and grandmother, who can't speak any English are beside themselves with anger, fear, confusion, worry. Bobby (the boy) is slowly recuperating, his body bruised and too sore to move. It's a fucked up story but damn, can he write.

I blew off a lot of things in the last few days. One thing I am usually careful with is watching what goes into my computer. Thursday I said fuck it and installed some games that weren't cleared. Friday morning my computer wasn't working right. I'm very protective of it and have dealt with viruses before so before it grew out of hand I disconnected everything and took it to one of my neighbors that promised he could fix it. He says he'll get to it tomorrow.
I don't mind if he wipes everything clear- it could probably work better if he did- I'm just worried he'll clear out everything, including my book.
I built that computer from the ground up in July so I could rebuild another one in a short time but my book- that's a different story. Thankfully, a few days before I emailed it to J but I still have a ton of files that could get lost and haven't been saved.
It probably won't happen. I'll watch over it like a good parent while he does it.

So what have I been doing since then? Rather than sit around and watch tv, and since I can't write (at least not on my computer), I spent the day exploring. I went to Wicker Park, got some dvds and some more clothes. On the way home, on the train, this guy starts speaking to me:

"You gonna throw those away?"
I'm in my own world, listening to music, just want to go home.
"You gonna throw those away?"
"Throw what away?"
He urges towards the bags I'm holding on my lap. "You want those?"
I look at what I just bought. "Yeah, they're in bags with tags on them. I just BOUGHT THEM."
He turns away and sits beside me. I smell him putting on aftershave and hear him slapping his neck.


It's C's birthday. I want to spend time with her but she's working. She probably won't be in the mood to do anything afterwards. I already talked to her about what I have planned. It will be tough to find some time together though. I still want to talk to her today.

I had planned to make a really cool Halloween post like "13 Things to Really Be Scared About" then list all these true facts and what's predicted for the future but yesterday morning I was feeling kind of down so I decided to write an entry (on little yellow notes at work) on how I got that way. I wrote why I'm always so morbid and depressed and I know there are certain events that got me this way.
It was a pretty long post and detailed those events pretty well but after it was done I felt even worse. So much so that I didn't want to do anything. As soon as I got home I had a shitty dinner, went to bed and didn't feel like going out though I should have. I called C though she was at work and wrote some of a short story that probably added to my mood.
It wasn't such a bad night, though very lazy. About 230 am C returned my call and we got to talking. Our relationship has changed. I don't see her very often but I think she sees me differently than her other friends. I've made a decision to treat her very well, as I try to treat anyone I care about, and it's shown through in our time together. We talked for about half an hour and I felt much better. Almost every time I see her I can't get over how mature and intelligent she is for her age. I used to worry that she wouldn't do well because of what she's doing in life and she wouldn't be happy but she knows more than me in that area. I'm sure she plans it more than I know.
I put too much thought into this blog. I think about writing in it, writing some great entry or something really funny when I'm at work. Sometimes I write it down, sometimes I don't. I know it's taking time away from my book, though that is coming along.
I just hate going through another Halloween with no one around. I think I always knew I'd spend my life this way and I can't complain. As a kid, seeing how my parents were married I decided to take relationships very carefully and not get involved just for the sake of not being alone. That I'm sure I've done.
I think I like my hair this way. It's gotten no bad comments and even a couple semi good ones. I like not taking care of it and I love being able to feel my whole head. I wish I had a digital camera.