Spent the last few days looking through job sites, applying to jobs, anything I can do to find a job. It's not easy coming to a new city where you know no one and getting a good job out of the blue. I'm sure once I do things will clear up and hopefully get back on track.

I've been feeling shitty constantly. I'll feel better some days but I'm always down. I blame it on the fact that I'm not where I should be, how the relationship between KT and I completely shit the bed and the fact that I don't have much to my name. I feel like if I had stayed in Boston things would be different but I remember thinking a couple of months ago how I'd have to leave Boston or things would never get better and everything would be great if I got up and moved.

Most people I know are unhappy. Not just with their situation, but dissatisfied, miserable or sad. I don't want to reach or put the blame elsewhere but maybe it's a societal epidemic. Modern culture is so monotonous and suffocating that very little enjoyment is gotten from anything anymore. All happiness is now owned or marketed by others and pushed on you until it loses its flavor. Movies are the same or mediocre copies of better ones. Music is so thoroughly marketed to everyone that it's not daring or new anymore. Like politicians, once they get to the point where they are heard by everyone and can do some good they aren't what they used to be.

That's why everyone is on prescription meds and drinking. Of the few people I opened up to most of them suggested Prozac or other drugs to cheer me up. Some suggested therapy. God knows I could use it but the therapist I had as a kid was an asshole that did more harm than good. If I drank or did drugs I'd do them so heavily that I'd never come out. I need a respite from all this and if I found it I know I wouldn't leave.

What is there to look forward to anyway? Music, something I based my life on for so many years, has gone shitty. My friends have dried up or disappeared. My family is no help. I am in no mood to date. I still see C and things have gotten better between us but I get even more depressed around her. At least she understands and helps but I just feel like I've come to the end.

Happiness is the most difficult thing to find in this world. People work their whole lives to achieve what they want and then find themselves unhappy with their selection. All through my life I was worried about being unhappy. When I was a kid I was worried about being divorced and going through a mid life crisis so I chose my path carefully. I chose my career based on what I wanted to do rather than what would pay the most and I am good at it but it's hard to find a fulfilling job in my field. I know people that are doctors or are very successful and so overstressed that they can't enjoy anything.

I'm trying to find where all this comes from. I remember feeling this way since I was a kid so I guess you could say it began in my childhood though that's far too easy. I think I'm to blame, that I made mistakes that I must atone for but I have no idea what they are. I've always been able to see through bullshit, a trait that really separated me from other children growing up so I feel that may be the cause. I can tell when people are lying (often) either to me or themselves or forcing happiness onto themselves which it seems everyone does all the time. I worried about growing up when I was a kid because I knew adults weren't happy. I was miserable as a child so I knew there was nothing to look forward to. If I had been diagnosed like it seems every kid at school today is I would have been pulled out of class immediately and put somewhere.

I put a lot on myself too, more than I put on anyone else. I'm always forgiving to those around me and I don't get upset if someone makes a mistake but I dwell on my own constantly. I never let myself forget anything I do and let it build until it just seethes inside me. I know I should be doing more, I'm very intelligent, but I just can't find the next step to get there. I've tried so goddamn hard. I wouldn't feel so bad if I hadn't put so much effort into everything I do. I've worked my ass off in jobs, relationships, looking for work and as of right now, nothing has worked.

If I was a religious person I would say someone is out to get me. I feel like I've lived my life under a black cloud.