Something I've been thinking about for a while is the future of this site. While I still have some interest in it, I feel it's served its purpose. Things have changed a lot and this has helped me in some ways. The past year has been the most unpredictible of my life and for that I'm happy. I'm mostly happy with where I am and though there's really no need to keep on doing this I'm going to keep it around, if for no other reason than to document it.

I have little inclination to add to it though I won't say I'll never be back. I have too much going on right now, with my work, school, friends, writing, and everything else that there's just no room left to write in here everyday. I'm not back in Roscoe Village miserable and wondering how I ended up there.

My move was the best decision of my life and things are going very well for me. This was meant to be therapeutic in a way and it's done that well. Until (if) I write in here again, I'll call it an indefinite hiatus.

I spent the morning reading of memorials and remembrances of what happened on Sept. 11th and I'm thinking of how things have changed because of that day. Not much has happened.

We have become more brutal, more cold, more apathetic and more unfeeling to those around us. We've become more self righteous and less informed. People were concerned and motivated to change things at first but soon fell in line and recited the mobspeak of those repeating what politicans have told them.

Politicians have used this event as a way to further their careers and ingratiate themselves with their constituents. It is used to twist people into accepting their illegal actions while people have used it to create manufactured feelings.

For the past few days I've been thinking about politics and how it sickens me. I don't want to think about it anymore. Perhaps the world would be better if there was true anarchy.

Spent the day helping a friend move. I'm tired, sore and exhausted. In the past few months I've moved several people and have become quite good at it. I'm still not used to being in the shape I am, I've always been healthy and fit but after I changed my workout and stuck to it I find myself stronger than I can remember. Today's move was much easier than I expected, probably because I didn't stop. Once I took a rest I felt like I couldn't move.

Now I'm here alone, it's only 8pm and I'm about to drop.

My iPod was returned to me with a new battery, new wheel and in better shape than it was before with no music lost. Unfortunately the wheel wasn't working and it had to be sent back.
Apple came out with a new 160G ipod that I'll be getting eventually. I've been running out of room on mine so that should work. Mine may end up becoming A's once I load it up with music. A birthday present? Maybe.

Speaking of which, not only am I tired and sore, I feel sick as shit. A has the same thing so I'm sure I got it from her. I know I got it last night after I spent the night in her bed. I've been sweating all day, hoping to sweat it out but that didn't work.

I've been watching "reality" tv almost every day. How much of it is reality is a topic that's been commented upon enough that I'm not going to go into it here. It's a genre that has metastacized into some mutant that has long since left behind what it was created for.

I know this makes me fairly hypocritical, stating that I watch it and then criticizing it in the next sentence. I know this and don't care. I have so few vices that I can take on a guilty pleasure. It also won't matter when I say I don't watch some shows. "Good crap" and "bad crap" being the terms. Not sure how to distinguish them from each other but I don't watch network tv's idea of reality tv. I can't stand Survivor, American Idol or whatever else they show now and have hardly seen any of them.

I prefer the cable, particular VH1's idea of reality. Rock of Love, Celebrity Fit Club, Scott Baio is 45 and Single and elsewhere Gene Simmon's Family Jewels and The Two Coreys. Gene Simmons is particularly interesting because you get to see what a complete asshole he really is.

There is nothing to gain from these shows but I found they give me a sort of calming peace. I watch them at the very end of the day, just before I go to bed. Some days I can't even keep my eyes open. It is soothing in an odd way.

Today I went to see C. A mutual friend was there, M, who told us about huge pile of belongings left on the sidewalk a few blocks away. Someone just up and left leaving all their stuff and the landlord was cleaning house. When I left to see her it was a beautiful day; sun shining, fairly warm but not hot. It was good to be out. When I left to go with M to see the stuff it had grown darker and cloudier.
I have most everything I need in my place now but I was curious to see what was there. It was an odd assortment- mostly low level tag sale stuff. There was a nice sofa I would have taken if I didn't already have a better one and a futon. Fairly good dressers too but I wasn't going to take them.
Instead I came out of it with a lot of vintage girly stuff for A, a couple of weird curios including an owl sculpture I don't know what to do with but couldn't pass up and tons of really bad cds- Fleetwood Mac, Rod Stewart, dance compilations I'm going to throw away. I still have tons of burnt cds I could use the covers for.
I knew it would rain. It had gotten dark and the air was still like just before a big storm. C had called and said there was a tornado warning but since she lived closed by I was only a few blocks from home. It started to drizzle as I made my way home. I stepped up the pace, knowing it would only get worse.
Less than half a minute after it started drizzling sheets of rain were whipping down. Wind was so rough I found it difficult to move with my big basket of weird shit. The drizzling turned to rain, the rains turned heavy then to a downpour then to a monster, power lines out, tree branches in the road perfect storm, all in less than a minute.
I chugged home as fast as I could, knowing it would be pointless to try to stay dry or cover up. Everywhere the rain could go it would. My socks were sponges, my shoes were sloshing with each step, my shirt hung off me.
I finally gave up, walking peacefully through the last two blocks. I couldn't get any wetter and there was no point in even trying to stay dry. It felt good, a nice clean feeling. I almost felt as if I was swimming.
I made it to the door where my two upstairs neighbors gave the brilliant, "Wow, you're drenched." I didn't mind it though, it actually felt good. I peeled off my clothes, hung them around the apartment to dry and checked out my phone and my ipod, both in my pockets at the time.
My ipod was working the whole way until I tried to turn it off and it froze. My phone was blinking out and the display was screwy. Doing all I could I tried to dry them off but neither is operable. For a while my ipod was flashing on and off, regardless of what I tried to do. It felt warm though it wasn't plugged in and was barely turned off. I think it achieved sentience for a while and was about to revolt.

Goddamn it, this sucks. I could use some reality tv.

Both men and women are born with certain advantages because of their sex and fight to get the advantages in the areas the other gender has. Very few people are truly interested in equality, they'd rather use the sex to appear to be the victim. The trend toward empowerment is merely shining a light on each gender's perceived victimizations.

If I believed, truly believed, that I can talk to the dead or have invisible friends people would laugh. If I was overly adamant or public about my beliefs, talked to these invisible people and advised other people to acknowledge them I would be considered eccentric at best. Most likely I would be thought to be unstable or insane.

If millions of people believe this it becomes a religion. Without any evidence other than their own unproven, fantastical beliefs, it becomes accepted. Those that don't follow their beliefs become the strange, troubled ones. When they become the majority the delusions becomes so accepted as to be commonplace. No one questions them for fear of offending people. No one likes to be the one to stand out. Doubt weighs on those that are skeptical. What if they are right? Despite having no evidence for it, there is no evidence against it so it could be right, right?

Even going to church as a child I questioned it. The stories I heard about Jesus seemed too far fetched, they were too close to the magical powers I was always told Santa had. The difference being that my parents believed it while I knew they were telling me about Santa because they thought it would get me to enjoy the holidays more. I remember sitting in church and hearing all the stories about ghosts, zombies and magical powers and watching all the adults that believed in them.
I always found it strange, this mass acceptance, without question, of religion. Though other civilizations believed just as vehemently in their gods we look at them as myths and impossible while an omnipotent being that created us just to test us so we can spend eternity with it seems plausible. Wouldn't such a powerful being have other friends or other interests rather than making its own friends? Why would such a powerful being be so conceited or insecure as to need so many followers (created by its own hand).
Watching its followers from the angle of someone that doesn't share the same ideology or even consider it's possibility is frightening. Are humans that weak that we need the idea of a vengeful god to keep us from harming others? I now truly believe that anyone that follows religion as anything other than a passing interest is mentally unsound and dangerous. The fact that so many believe this is the only thing that keeps it away from view. Who can find the crazy person in the world of the insane?

I don't have as much time as I used to. If I'm not at work, I'm with A. If that's not the case there is a lot of other things I commit myself too. Surprisingly, my life is pretty full and I have to do what I can with the lesser free time.

Some new things, some good things:

-A and I have gotten really close. We've been legitimately dating for about five months but we spent all of our time together and I'm not planning for when she isn't around. I don't plan to break up with her. I'm not going to marry her either. We're already planning some fairly long term stuff so I think that's a good thing, I would think.

-I've been pretty dedicated to my workout and have changed my diet accordingly. I've regained the build I lost during the months long dryspell when I moved here. I'm concentrating on my stomach, which has gotten very tight. In a couple weeks I should have a well defined six pack. I've always been in good shape but this is a build I'm unfamiliar with, lean trunk with well built arms, shoulder and chest. I didn't have a lot of weight to lose in the midsection but what I did is long gone.

-I've been playing a lot of internet radio. As I was with mp3s, ipods, dvds and coding, I was late on the bandwagon but I jump on it hard. It's usually on when I'm home alone. Right now the metal and comedy stations are my favorites.

-I plan on doing a show again sometime soon. It's been about fourteen months since I last did one but there are far more opportunities here than in Boston. This is probably the biggest comedy city in the world. I've already seen a lot of standup and know a couple comedians. I've written a lot of new material too. My next show will be the best I've done.

-Been working a lot on my foot and it has improved greatly. The pain in it is almost gone and I can see it healing completely. I resigned myself to having it for the rest of my life but I know it will be gone most likely in the next couple of months if I keep up with what I've been doing. This really helps my mood.

-Have gotten into reality tv again. Not the bullshit stuff they show on network tv, but the VH1 has been celebrity stuff I can't get enough of. Scott Baio is 45 and Single is the best though Rock of Love, a show about worn out alcoholic ex party girls vying for the attention of Bret Michaels is a great train wreck to watch. That and The Two Coreys have my undivided attention. Who'd have though Corey Haim would be the fucked up one? He hasn't aged well...

Since the beginning of the month I've hardly listened to anything but Megadeth, Metallica, Slayer and Pantera. Not sure why but it's helped my workouts.

Woken up early by my landlord so he could retile my bathroom floor. Originally he had planned to renovate my kitchen while doing some work on the rest of the house. When I showed him the problem in the bathroom he planned to retile.
All of this work is very early in the morning which doesn't fit with my schedule. I'm woken every morning with people talking right outside my window. Now I'm without a bathroom. Luckily C is off today and hopefully we'll be able to get together so I can get out of this or at least take a shower at her place.

Most of my playlists are done. The only problem is the Chicago one is far shorter than the rest since I don't have much to draw on. Kam is going to offer some suggestions. Not that a lot of songs haven't but written about Chicago, but none that I would want to put on my list.

Here's Memphis:

Ah Via Musicom/Cliffs of Dover- Eric Johnson
That's Alright Mama- Elvis
I Walk the Line- Johnny Cash
Great Balls of Fire- Jerry Lee Lewis
Green Onions- Booker T and the MGs
Memphis- Chuck Berry
Going to Memphis- Johnny Cash
Mystery Train- Elvis
Memphis- George Thorogood and the Destroyers
Memphis in the Meantime- John Hiatt
Copperhead Road- Steve Earle
Graceland- Paul Simon
Bring Me Some Water- Melissa Etheridge
Domino- Roy Orbison
Oddfellows Local 151- REM
Main Man- Ramones
The Devil & Me- Clutch
Memphis- Jerry Lee Lewis
Walking Shoes- Tora Tora
Big River- Johnny Cash
Walking in Memphis- Marc Cohn
Black- Pearl Jam
Hey Jealousy- Gin Blossoms
Riverside Drive- Tora Tora
All the Way from Memphis- Contraband
Backwater- Meat Puppets
Butterfly Wings- Machines of Loving Grace
Let Me In- REM
Memphis- Rancid
Makin' Monsters for My Friends- Ramones
Baby, Will You Please Help Me- Charley Musselwhite
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town- Pearl Jam
Memphis Tennessee- Elvis
Elvis is Everywhere- Mojo Nixon

These are all songs about Memphis, recorded in Memphis or songs that remind me of the city

It's two in the morning and I've been feeling nostalgic. It started when I heard a song mention Memphis so I looked up all the songs I have that mention Memphis (a lot) then I added a few that reminded me of Memphis.
I started a Chicago playlist after that, something I knew I'd do for a while. How many versions of Sweet Home Chicago are there?
I'm working on one for Boston too. Though they have the least amount of songs written about them (Chicago has the most of the three) they do have one theme song- Dirty Water by The Standells.

This will take a while but when I finish I'll put the playlists up here. I made one for Seattle when I visited. Here is is:

Halo of Ashes- Screaming Trees
Touch Me I'm Sick- Mudhoney
Scoff- Nirvana
Alive- Pearl Jam
Would- Alice in Chains
Francis Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle- Nirvana
Pretend We're Dead- L7
Chloe Dancer/Crown of Thorns- Mother Love Bone
All I Know- Screaming Trees
Hunger Strike- Temple of the Dog
Outshined- Soundgarden
Them Bones- Alice in Chains
School- Nirvana
Sweet Young Thing Ain't Sweet No More- Mudhoney
Ugly Truth- Soundgarden
Nearly Lost You- Screaming Trees
State of Love and Trust- Pearl Jam
May This Be Love- Jimi Hendrix
Say Hello to Heaven- Temple of the Dog
Something in the Way- Nirvana
Dying Days- Screaming Trees
Rooster- Alice in Chains
In Bloom- Nirvana
Overblown- Mudhoney
Confusion- Presidents of the United States
Serve the Servants- Nirvana

I'm not too familiar with the city. The other ones will be a bit more diverse.

I'm working on an article I'm writing too. That, and continuing computer problems have kept me from writing here as much as I used to.

I'm a politics junkie. I wish I wasn't, it only brings anguish and there have been times when I attempted to lose all interest and become apathetic about what was going on but it didn't last long. I used to be incredibly idealistic, the solutions seemed so simple. Now I'm a realist.

I see now that my turn towards realism is the product of bias and my reactions to what I have seen around me. I have become incredibly cynical and I wish I wasn't. I still believe things can get better and we're not that far off from good things but it seems nonexistent. The way the world is going (and I along with it) it doesn't look like anything will ever get solved.

There is a great many things to concern ourselves with. This country has become rampantly greedy. It has become an epidemic problem. Capitalism is at its worst when people believe it is their right to have such extravagance that it takes food, comfort or survival from others. When hundreds must go without food or suffer continuous pain so someone else can have an extra car they never use or another mansion, greed is criminal.

Education has become abysmal. While most that can afford it shelter their children away in private schools, our public school system wastes away. Those in power want to stay in power and will do anything to do so, no matter how unethical. A lot of lip service is given to education because it's one topic that always sways voters but nothing is ever done for it.

In Michael Moore's film Sicko Tony Benn, a former member of Parliament, says people that are hopeless or pessimistic don't vote and are easier to govern. Those in power want a hopeless and apathetic people that don't vote. They will never support their interests nor work to serve them. Their needs go unanswered.

How disheartening it is to live in a country that tout itself as the purest example of Democracy cares so little about, isn't even a Democracy by definition. I cringe whenever I hear someone brag about this country when they have so little idea of what it really is or what it has become.

Hell, a lot of people think the US beat Germany to win WWII.

After World War Two the US experienced greater prosperity than ever before in its history. After displaying to the world it's manufacturing, as well as military might, they were in a position to become the key player in global affairs. Fueled by oil, which seemed to be in abundance, new businesses and industries sprouted. The middle class was born and expanded quickly.

The cities had become too swollen. Suburbs were created as an alternative, country living in peace just outside the city. Tracts of land became subdivisions, one house often indistinguishable from the next. Small patches of grass surrounding each were well tended to give the facade of country living. The commute to the city was in its infancy and residents became comfortable and complacent with the standard of living.

Fast forward more than fifty years and the suburbs have changed completely. The cities, once neglected and crime ridden, have undergone a revival. With fifty years of relative peace we have established a country separate from the rest of the world fueled by fossil fuels. Our needs have grown to the point that it will be impossible to sustain the life we're used to living with the amount of fossil fuels in the world.

This is becoming clearer and clearer. In the coming years it will become glaringly obvious. Serious problems will arise when the amount of fuel will not be able to satisfy society's want for it.

There are no alternative fuels. The energy and power it takes to make them outweight their output. Biofuel, Hydrogen and the like will not solve any problems.

Right now there is no solution. Our economy, our entire country has been supported by the idea of an unended stream of fuel. Unfortunately, that idea has never been real.

Many are aware of this that use it as a reason to go to war. Preempting the great struggle for the last remnant of fossil fuels, the US has entered the Middle East under the premise of either vengeance, imperialism or nation building (still can't figure that one out). Turning Iraq into a puppet state will be the first step towards the Project for a New American Century's plan.

The PNAC, aware of the dire times ahead based on a changing society due to lack of oil and fuel believe the world would be better served being an AMERICAN world. This doesn't entail an archaic and suicidal conquering of nations that disagree with the idea but rather the pervasive influence of American culture throughout the globe- American politics, American ideaologies, American way of life. Why? Because it's the best, that's why.

Why should the world be a series of undeveloped, unstable countries with diverse histories, cultures and languages? Wouldn't it be easier to make the world a collection of American states and territories all friendly or, at least, kept in check with American culture?

That's what the PNAC hopes for. This is the most ambitious and far reaching goal ever attempted in history. To reach it requires generations of war, countless streams of propaganda and a complacent, well fed and distracted people.

When the American way of life starts to falter as the fuel runs out people will become desperate and cling to what they believe is their natural right long after it becomes possible to continue living that way. They will do whatever it takes to keep their life just as it always has been, in spite of the world changing about them. They will fight for it, steal, go to war and elect maniacs that will lie to comfort them and do whatever it takes to stay in power.

They want us to fight Democrat or Republican and argue about blowjobs versus vacation time and lose sight of what is being planned around us. We should be inured to war so it can continue and become a part of our life.

We are undergoing a major society change and we're only at the beginning. Many people feel they can live just as their parents did, just as their grandparents did and that's impossible now.

Days like this; uninterrupted blue skies, heavy heat and sun that bakes your skin and I can only think of playing the Ramones.

It's going to be a long summer unless I get the AC hooked up. Sweating profusely lately. I lose a lot of weight in the summer and working out in the extra room that becomes a sauna within fifteen minutes doesn't make it any better.

Got back from N. IL early this morning after attending another birthday/pool party/barbecue. Great time but I have to stop and wonder how I got into this. I was never someone that had a whole group of friends now it seems every minute of my spare time is accounted for. I like it but it's a big change.

Music I'm listening to:

The Cramps
Common People- William Shatner
Mercyful Fate- Metallica
New Rosa- Manic Hispanic

Right now- Goodbye Saigon- Billy Joel

It has been more than a year since I moved here. Last year at this time I was feeling tragic. Now I feel very fortunate. I've got a good place that's been bought by someone that gives a shit and is renovating. It's summer, everything is beautiful, I've got a lot of friends, my workouts are paying off and I'm back in shape. I'm not as muscular but I'm leaner and I'm just as strong.

Spent the Fourth with A at her friend's place. It was her friend's birthday and we celebrated by going to a water park, having a barbecue and going to a fair to see the fireworks. I only got mildly burned.

Time is passing along quickly. I'm doing more and the work is starting to pay off. I doubt I'll ever get complacent but it's times like this that make it tempting.

A year ago I was feeling very morbid. I couldn't imagine myself a year from now and, if I did, it wouldn't have been pretty. I figured I would be dead. More and more I feel like that was a different person. I always refer to it as "Me- then" and "Me- now". There's that much of a difference. I want to go back and meet that guy, have a long talk.

After my head injury as a kid everyone thought I would have a different outlook on life and change how I lived. I didn't because I didn't really have any outlook. I was only twelve years old. What would I need to change? I look back then not on mistakes I need to amend or regrets but I needed to change and I think it's complete. I still feel shades of what I used to be and I fight them, I'm sure they'll always be there, but it would be harder to change what I've become since then to fight off the old tendencies.

A year ago today my moving truck caught fire. I wasn't sure what to do afterwards and I figured that, like all things, eventually it would be trivial and unimportant. I knew in a few months things would be much better. I wasn't sure where I'd be but I knew it wouldn't be as horrible as I felt then. All I had to do was get to that time, wait for a few months to pass and I wouldn't care. I gave myself until November. I figured that would be enough to get past it. In a year I figured things would be much different. By November things had gotten much better.
Now, a year later, things are much different. I had planned to spend the day doing something I'd really enjoy. I made today a personal holiday and what better way to celebrate than having sex and doing nothing I don't want to do that day.

Last night A and I went to a play some friends of hers were involved with titled Siskel and Ebert Save Chicago. In it, Roger Ebert revives Gene Siskel to stop Oprah and Mancow from conquering Chicago aided by their suburban mombies that do anything Oprah tells them to do. Along with Ebert, Siskel, Oprah and Mancow, it has actresses playing the Windy City Rollers, a roller derby league A is involved with. The title sequence, projected onto a curtain was a James Bondesque opening with silhouettes slithering along the Chicago landscape. Watching that made me realize how much I love this town.

We celebrated by getting sunburnt watching the Chicago Force, a woman's football league. Afterwards, while contemplating what we could do to mark the day, a friend of hers called needing help moving. I volunteered us so after a bout of quick but satisfying sex, we ran to help. For the next hour and a half we trucked her stuff out of her third floor apartment to a storage unit. Since the truck wasn't due back until the next morning she loaned it to us to collect all of the furniture I have stashed in several places.
By 230am we were finished. I got a tv from someone down the street, a couch from a friend and several pieces of furniture I stored in A's basement that I found months ago. My place is now in disarray, with some pieces not even put together yet, many of my things still in boxes though my living room now looks a little like it's supposed to. It's fitting that a year after I lost so much I spent most of the day getting back so much.

At the end (midpoint?) of the night I was sore, drenched with sweat and tired. I did what I'd been putting off for weeks and slept well.

Music I'm listening to:

early Alice Cooper

Wicked Sensitive Crew- Dropkick Murphys

Minimum Maximum- Kraftwerk

Metal Mother- Scissorfight

Get Some Go Again- Rollins Band

and I wonder how the hell I got here, at this spot, at this time right now. I wonder about all the things that happened to put me right here, now and what was the purpose? It doesn't seem really and it doesn't seem like the same person. Things that happened, even a year ago seem like an old movie I didn't pay attention to.
Most of the day I'm hot, I'm tired and I'm sore. I'm pretty sure my need to exercise is a mental condition. I have some body image issues. I think I'm fat long before anyone else and if I'm not visibly muscular I feel like a weakling. My body has gotten to the point where I feel pain if I don't work out. When I do I feel exhaustion. I know I do it more than I should until I'm dripping sweat and spend the next couple hours in a half-thinking haze.
And at times like this I think of my father. I wonder how dissatisfied he is with me. I wonder if he's sad that his life didn't turn out the way it did and only one son lived the life he hoped for his kids.
I think about my past girlfriends and where they are now. I wonder if they remember me and if they do, aren't angry or ashamed. Was I just someone back when or did they think more? I wonder if they think the same things I do?
It's time to accept that I feel ostracized from most people. I've made great strides in bettering this part of me and I wonder about the person that lived years ago that caused all these thoughts. It feels like replaced memories. It's difficult to keep in touch with friends that know me only for who I was. I know those friendships won't last much longer.

Sometimes I think I'm the only person that thinks about shit like this but I know that can't be true.

A and I fought all weekend. From what I've learned this weekend I know we won't be together indefinitely. Sometimes I wonder why we're together now. We're very different and fought for several different reasons, none important enough to go into right now.

The high point of the weekend was seeing Blowfly, a very strange show. Three rap acts opened up for them, each one better than the one before it until Blowfly comes out in his mask, cape and a costume resembling pajamas covered in cheap craft store glitter. Each song was about sex- Should I Fuck That Big Fat Ho sung to the Clash tune, Fuck Your Boss and his new single R. Kelly in Cambodia. He singled audience members out to sing the song about them and while I was R. Kelly, he had a massive woman come out to the front of the stage to sing Should I Fuck This Big Fat Ho. Much of the audience looked stunned, as if the woman would burst out into tears at any moment and at one point I thought she might.

While I was looking over the merch he had been talking to A and pointed at her and told me I'd have to ask his boss when I asked for his photo. When I told him I was her boss he got pissed; "Bitch, you two-timing me?!"

We went home happy and made up for the night, went to a flea market the next day and spent the rest of the afternoon pissed off at each other, our irritation bubbling under the surface. I know I'm to blame for much of it though she's not without fault either. Both of us see things differently and when we're completely honest with each other, as we are, it tends to get on the other's nerves. It's a political thing.

I found an article I wrote years ago posted on someone's webpage. It's not a very well known page and I doubt it's even maintained anymore, but seeing what I wrote printed out word for word without my permission only added to my already frustrated mood. I contacted the server and only received a processed set on instructions I could follow to get it legally taken off. I had to prove it's mine by sending in clarification I don't have and contact their lawyer. I have it on my hard drive on an undated file as I never thought it would be something I would have to worry about being stolen. It was a quick piece I wrote off as a joke. This is why I rarely let anyone see what I write. I've got to be more careful when sending out anything.

For the past few weeks C and I have gone out on her days off to get errands done, get groceries or whatever needs to get done. Since I moved and things have changed since I first got here we haven't seen each other that much it's a good time to reconnect. I talk to her about A and what's going on and hear what's going on with her. It's a bit strange how similar they are. They've never met each other but both seem to have the same interests and the same concerns.
We went out yesterday to get groceries and I wanted to pick up some weights. I haven't worked out since I got my own place. I've been running fairly regularly and am in shape but miss having the build I used to. I had been to Sports Authority before but found most of their equipment cheap and overpriced. The people working there seemed very disinterested in customers and since it was a big purchase I was hoping to get them somewhere else.
There is a place closer to me that's more like a warehouse full of just gym equipment, weights and extras. I found just what I was looking for and then went grocery shopping. While there I decided to make frito pie, a new meal I tried in a restaurant that A told me she ate a lot as a kid. C and I ended up buying tons of groceries and I called A and told of her my plans. She was excited and bragged to her friend about the amount of sex we had, expecting to get some that night.
It was a great meal, though not the healthiest. Afterwards we lay there full and digesting while she fell asleep. I lay next to her, not tired at such an early hour and got up to use the weights I bought.
It felt incredible. A couple years ago I would stock up on meat, go to the gym then come back and eat to gain muscle. I lost a lot of it since but with such a meal in my stomach, and the amount of time I had gone without a good workout I could really feel it. I probably didn't go for more than twenty minutes but I got all I could out of it. I could already see muscles growing back and I worked up a good sweat. This morning I woke stiff, aware that it had been too long since I had.
A slept through the night though we did have sex this morning. I feel great. In a few weeks I should be back to a good build and a good workout. The weights were the best thing I bought in a while. I plan to get a lot of use out of them.

Some guy came through here looking at the building and said he'd be the new landlord. He plans to buy the place and will live upstairs. The guy above me is moving out so he'll probably take that unit. I was praying that a family wouldn't move in above me because I can hear everything that goes on up there and it would drive me nuts. This guy seems a little more sedate.

Blowfly is going to be at The Note Saturday. I almost lost my shit when I heard that, especially since I wasn't sure if he was alive or not. His alter ego Clarence Reid is playing at The Hideout a few hours before. I plan to see both shows. Should be a very interesting night.



Music I've been listening to lately:

Funhouse Skull- Scissorfight
You Can't Stop the Progress- Clutch
Everett- Tree
R. Kelly in Cambodia- Blowfly

This is the problem with this place, A said it best, this place is half ass. The owners are trying to sell the building so they put some effort into making it marketable but somewhere along the way they said fuck it and stopped. People have come by to look at the place and considered buying it and each one I've seen has walked out without a word. The warped floorboards and lack of upkeep jumps out of them.
The place isn't bad. It's more pleasant and livable than a lot of places I've been but I wouldn't buy it for the price they're selling.
When they get a possible buyer they point them towards the kitchen; new floors, new cabinets, clean and large. They put a lot of work into the kitchen and then just stopped.
The floorboards in the hallway are coming apart and are broken or cracked. The living room floor is uneven.
There is central air and heating which looks good but only works rarely.
The kitchen, as nice as it looks has a fridge with a loose handle, though it would take no effort to fix it (and I would had I a screwdriver). The oven handle is broken. It throws off the originally pristine look of the room.
The bathroom, which also had some work done, has an uneven doorway that makes it resemble a funhouse. I guess they thought a new towel rack and toilet paper holder (not put on correctly) would be diverting enough.
The backyard has lush grass while the front yard that everyone sees is packed dirt and weeds.
There is no gate on the front steps and since we are the one of the few houses on the street without one, the neighborhood thugs hang out on the steps while they skip school. Now there is grafitti on the steps. Nice.
My guess is this house will be on the market for some time. Since this neighborhood is getting bought up by developers they will get an offer for it below what they are asking and they will refuse, hoping to find a buyer. Since they don't put any work into it it will stay unsold until, years later, they finally relent and sell it for less than they hoped. I plan to be gone by then.

Or they could spend a couple thousand dollars and spend a weekend doing some much needed repairs on it to make it presentable. Doubt that will happen.

It would help if they get rid of the lazy bastards they hired to manage this place that don't do anything or seem to care about the building at all.

This is why, in ten years, this neighborhood will be nothing but condos. People will complain and bitch but they will have no one to blame but the property owners who didn't give a shit about their own buildings and allowed them to fall apart.

The last few days have been nothing but work. Things are going well and I have a lot of things opening up. Both Tuesday and Monday have been busy and tomorrow promises to be even more so.
When I have free time A has spent the evenings with me. Tonight is the first night since before I left for New York I've had to myself. Up until this past year I've been a very reclusive person so being so socially active can still be somewhat draining. A is going to grad school orientation at the end of July and has a lot of reading and research to do until then. Tonight she's most likely working on it, allowing me the free time I wanted to just relax.

Taj Ma Holly
Rhoda Head
Louisa Ryder

I spent Saturday in Long Island seeing my family. Originally I had a ticket to get there Friday but a glitch in air traffic control left me stranded until the next morning. What is meant by a glitch I'm not sure but everyone on my flight kept getting pushed to the next flight to NYC hoping to get standby. Very few people got on.
Eventually most flights going to the East Coast were cancelled but at least we got a semblance of a reason. At first we were told there was no flight nor would there be refunds. Then we heard it was the weather, though no news outlet reported any strange weather. The closest thing we got to an answer was the Atlanta dropped all their flight paths due to a technical error. Since Atlanta handles the air traffic of the Easy Coast, no one could fly out. I camped out in O'Hare rather than take the hour long trip back home only to be up in three more hours to get the early flight out. I seem to spend a lot of time in airports than is normal. Eight hours in San Francisco, nineteen in O'Hare, this is strange for someone who flies not that often.
On to New York. I met up with my grandparents and great aunt and made the drive out to Long Island to see everyone else. We got together to mark my grandfather's nintieth birthday though it also was for my grandmother's birthday and their anniversary. It was to be the last such event, since they don't think they will be around much longer and, if they are, don't want such a big deal made on them again. Truthfully, they are in good health. Both are forgetful, which is especially odd for my normally very sharp grandmother, and they have lost a good deal of weight but considering how far they've come it's pretty amazing.
Both my brothers were there, my sister in law, my two nephews and my niece. It was held at the new home of my cousin who recently moved from a very small two bedroom home into a three story home on the other side of the island. Every floor is marble, it has a huge kitchen, wraparound driveway, in ground pool, playroom with pool table and a bar. I felt old seeing my young cousin not only as a mom with two kids but in such a home, the kind you'd spend your entire life planning and saving for.
Had a great time playing with my nephews, talking to all my cousins and all the family I never met before or haven't spent a lot of time left. With both cousins getting married recently, our family has grown quickly so I don't even know who's who.
There were no problems, nothing holding up the day. Everyone got along and my grandfather was touched. It was one of those times you look to when things are going bad; "Some day we'll all get together and things will be much better." Everything feels great, though when so many of my family gets together I always think how much my mother would have enjoyed it.

The past few years have been rife with comdemning exposes on everything from politics to the environment that it's become a very popular entertainment genre. Yet this is not a new thing. It has been in place since before the Industrial Revolution. Upton Sinclair's The Jungle heralded the ruthlessness of the meat industry and Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation showed nothing changed a century later.
I believe the universe to be cyclic. Everything runs it course, grows stronger, weakens and dies. I'm not sure where the peak of humankind is but we are past it. Not only that but we have gone past the point of no return. The world has been in an almost continuous state of war for the last century, there is not enough food to feed all the world's inhabitants. Viruses have outpaced medical science's ability to find cures, politics have become nothing more the greed and dishonesty while corporations have grown into monstrousities more powerful than they countrys that contain them.
People are finally waking up and noticing the glaring evils in today's world only to find there is no solution. The problem has become to great to be able to remedy now. Small countries, civilized for thousands of years are still seen as "developing" and preyed on by younger, more industrialized countries who reward their labor by paying them too little, ensuring that the country will never better itself and will stay enslaved to them.
In The Corporation, a speaker said it best; "We're in a freefall and we thing we're flying." Most people don't care, others busy themselves in trivialities while missing the elephant in the living room.
It worries me more and more. In my lifetime the world will become a terrible place to live. Economies will sicken, governments will weaken and people will become even more self involved and apathetic. There have been more than enough warnings and now it's inevitable.

My place is still mostly empty but I'm growing very comfortable here. I tend to nest wherever I live, staying up late writing and going out for work or supplies and I already got into that habit here. I went and picked up the payment for my modem from Errol so I won't be back to that place again. I left some kitchen stuff there but I'm not going back for it.
I've collected a bunch of furniture though half my stuff is still in boxes. I bought a lot of supplies, something I knew I had to do for a while. Today, while making dinner, I realized how much better it felt that everything I was using was mine. I borrowed a lot of stuff when I had nothing but now the plates, silverware, food, dishtowels, surge protectors, refridgerator magnets, everything in here is mine and that's calming in an odd way.

I used to be pretty materialistic and that's mostly gone but I can't help but appreciate having my own place and my own things.

I am leaving for Long Island on Friday for the weekend. Everyone is throwing a final birthday party for my grandparents. They aren't dying, they just don't want to celebrate anymore. I'm sure most people on my mom's family will be there- my aunt, uncle, cousins, their kids and spouses, as well as my brothers, niece and nephews.
I don't mind NYC if I'm only there for a short while and have something to do but I'll be on Long Island most of the time and I really don't like Long Island. It's worth it to see my family though. I haven't seen them in years. I'm sure a lot has happened. It will be a busy time.

It's past midnight on Thursday morning and I'm listening to Nirvana and remembering how great they sound. I haven't had the urge to listen to them for years since they remind me so much of college and the fact that their music has been so diluted by similar bands over the years that I've forgotten how wonderful they can be. A perfect combination of anger, intelligence and beauty.

I made the last trip to pick up apartment stuff with C today. I don't have much here but I have all I need. A and I found a bunch of furniture this weekend, stored most of it at her place (which is now brimming with my furniture stocked in the basement) and carted a kitchen table over. I have no need for a table but I'm sure I'll need one eventually. This place has a lot of promise and though I don't have a need to have a full living room and I'm sure the two extra rooms will stay empty for a time I already see myself planning how they will look.

I'm planning to make the extra bedroom a gym but that will take a while. I've started a new workout program without any weights or equipment, just a lot of intense activity. I can tell it's working, I'm sweating a lot and cramping. I hate when I go without that activity for too long so it feels great to get back to it, sore muscles and all.

Been writing a lot lately as well. Mostly it's stories though I've been adding to a book as well. Writing used to be grueling, now it's almost second nature.

I'm back. I've actually been back for a couple of days. I moved in without problem on Wednesday and got my internet connected yesterday.

Moving day was a treat. C helped me and brought along a friend of hers visiting from California. He helped out with the promise that I would buy his dinner and see his show when he plays at the Metro. I'll do him one better, I encourage anyone reading this to see his show which means he may have one more other person showing up to the gig. Unfortunately, I forgot (or perhaps he failed to tell me) the name of his band. I'm sure it's something somewhat funny/weird like The White Trash Neighbors or something like that. A good name, but not on you can imagine opening up for U2 or No Doubt.
Speaking of No Doubt, can Gwen Stefani be less subtle about stealing Madonna's career. Not that I have any love for Madonna...

It took me 3+ hours to move my stuff out of my place and about fifteen minutes to move it in. Meanwhile I met C's girlfriend, who seems really cool, and got a bed for me and a desk for C.

The bed is amazing, the softest one I've ever owned, maybe the softest thing I've ever slept on. A and I have already spent quite a few nights taking advantage of it's size.

My place is set up though two rooms are empty. Most of my stuff is still in boxes since I have no need to open them. I'll get some shelves and furniture eventually. It has the room and the potential to be really cool. I have a tendency to whole up in small areas like a rat, making my way between my bedroom, kitchen and bedroom so I don't need much else right now.

I started running again though this area is not as conducive to it as my last place. It's not necessarily a bad area, it's "up and coming" as they say. There are two schools nearby me so when I'm out running I don't want to slalom between kids milling around. Why aren't they in class anyway? They always seem to be outside doing nothing.

Jay and Jarvis, the guitarist and bass player of Scissorfight, have a new project with the singer and drummer of Lamont called Mess With the Bull. They are doing their first tour and playing to mostly empty houses that haven't heard of them. Monday night they played at the Note to about eight people. Me and one other guy were the only people not in the other bands.
Great show though and since there were so few people had people in the audience Jarvis had us introduce themselves.


Mess With the Bull

I'm seeing the Fucking Champs at the Empty Bottle Tuesday.

I added a link on the side of the page, my reviews for Yelp.com, a little thing I've been playing around with.

I'm all packed, the truck is reserved, C is coming over to help me move. I have the keys, I'm moving.

I don't know when I'll get internet after I move so this site may cease for a while but I'll be back.

Last night, coming home from A's, two men came up to me, grabbed me and demanded my money. I'm kicking myself because I'm usually more aware but these guys took me completely by surprise. In times like this you look back and think of what you should have done, get pissed and hope for a chance like that again to really get the most out of it. In retrospect things turned out almost as good as I could have hoped.

I didn't attack them and didn't get an adrenaline rush and pounce as I did in similar situations in the past. I knew I wouldn't give him any money. I couldn't give up that easy. I was completely surprised. All I could do was yell back at him to get him to calm down.

They were younger, early twenties, maybe less. I looked and saw they had no weapons and I knew they didn't know what they were doing. They didn't plan it, they just saw a solitary person walking home at one am and decided to jump. One guy grabbed me as I wrestled away. I was bigger than both of them but as one occupied me the other guy just started beating on my face.

He didn't hit very hard. Some people will punch you and everything in your mind is forgotten except for the severity of the punch and how to avoid the next one. This guy had several clean, uninterrupted point blank shots to my face and I was more concerned with wrestling the guy holding me. The punches were more of an afterthought. I got away a couple of times, got my shirts ripped off and made it away when a police van turned the corner. It was going in the opposite direction and didn't see us but it was enough. The muggers yelled "Police!" and ran.

Not even good criminals. They had no plan on what to do. They couldn't fight, they weren't strong and really weren't threatening. If they keep that up they won't last. It's difficult being a professional thief, much more difficult than most jobs (which is why it confuses me that anyone takes that route). These two weren't good at it at all.

I ended up with several bruises, a black eye, a very temporary bloody nose and random facial bruises. Nothing too serious and nothing I haven't had before. In a couple years this will be mostly forgotten and odds are those two will be dead or in prison. I'm hoping for dead.

I called the police and filed a report. Sitting in the back of the police cruiser (never been there before- hard molded plastic seats, not very comfortable) she got a call for one of the muggers a few blocks away. Twenty minutes later after committing such a crime, he just decided to hang around. We took off with me in the back seat.

We didn't catch him but it gave me time to think. I wasn't worked up, shaken or pissed off. I was tired and cold (and sore) but was pretty happy. I didn't give in, didn't just let it happen, I fought off the two assholes trying to rip me off and got off with only minor wounds and not a dime of my money taken.

Sometimes it seems that the good people go too soon while shitheads live forever. Those were my exact thoughts when Kam told me Jerry Falwell was on his deathbed. He'd tried that stunt before, each time getting better and thanking his congregation who, no doubt, put their homes up for mortgage in the hopes that god will spare him. I thought it was another ploy to extort money from those that had fallen for it before.

No. Thank god, he's dead. Someone who chose to use his massive influence to cause strife rather than hope, someone who decided to make the world worse off when he left it is gone. He should not be mourned.

This is a man that forced his views on millions of people, someone so egotistical as to believe his opinions were the only ones worth having. He decided what was "moral" and all those he spoke against that were ostracized. He bullied his way into politics where he took more credit for change than he actually accomplished. In his lifetime he manuevered the country further into intolerance, religious fanatacism and false piety that left a legacy that persists to this day.

He narrow minded view of religion, of god and morality has sickened the culture of this country. He thrived on people's fear and ignorance to make this a more dangerous, more hateful world. If he truly believed in the religion he claimed to follow, he would see he has blasphemed greater than anyone he has ever condemned.

It is a great day. The world is a little brighter without him.

How come this movie isn't huge? Why did no one I know see it? It was one of the best movies of last year by far.
It is based on a graphic novel by Alan Moore who also created From Hell and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (two other movies I enjoyed that no one else did).



I would write a movie review but I've got too much to do today. I've got to find a bed and finish writing a paper I put off for too long.

I could say I didn't know my mother until after she died. At her wake and for years afterwards relatives and friends would come up to me and tell a story or talk about her as if I was one of her old friends. I knew her as a child knows his mother, which is to say I only knew of her as my mother and nothing else.
Here's what I knew about her; she came from a very Catholic background in NYC after being born in Texas. Her parents were working class people that managed to do better than most people and found a comfortable life for them and their family. My grandfather grew up on a farm with eight siblings. As he was the oldest he was the only one to own a pair of shoes. A wrinkled and grey photo of he and his brothers on the edge of a freshly cut field proved this.
My mother grew up in the city and went to an all girls Catholic school. From there she went to college and then received her Masters. Her degree helped her become a teacher where she worked until she became pregnant with my oldest brother.
I was the son of a teacher, I learned a lot from her. She taught me to read and gave me a love of books that will always be with me. She understood people well and had a loyalty to me and my brothers I have never before seen in a person. Growing up, I didn't wonder about her or think to talk to her about her life. She was my mother and a good one, that's all I needed to know.
My parents divorced the summer I graduated from college. I too self involved at the time and though I was shocked and disappointed in learning the news, I was too concerned about moving out to start my own life to dwell on it too much. For a month it was only my mother and I in the huge house that my family lived in for nine years, now emptied after everyone else had moved away and started their own lives. It was during this time that I looked at my mother differently. For once I was able to help her and try to cheer her up. Several times she came to me for support and reassurance while she was beginning to go out on her own for the first time in her life. We were both learning that together. I did what I could but I had no idea how she really felt. If I did I don't know if I would have been able to handle it.
I moved to Boston and started building my own life. I got a job, found my own place, made friends and started doing pretty well. I'd talk to my mother a couple of times a week and it was only then she told me what had happened. My parents had decided not to tell me the details of the divorce until afterwards and would do all they could not to bring us into it. During one long phone calls she explained to me why and how she and my father were getting divorced. It was more complex than most divorces and I learned more about both parents that day. I thought of them much differently after that.
What I heard upset the family for many years. My father was ostracized and my brothers were understandably upset. Though it made us closer we felt separated from some members of our family for some time.
Months later, after the divorce hearings had ended, my mother decided to take a vacation with her best friend to get her mind off of everything that happened. Her first visit was to Boston to see my brother and I where she seemed happier than I'd seen her in years and began crying with relief when she saw my brother. We spent the day together, went on a whale watch and had dinner at Legal Seafood. I remember her talking to the table next to us, a Japanese couple there for the convention next door. We talked about Seinfeld and laughed at the more off color moments, something my mother had never done before.
My mother died soon after returning home. She passed out while on the phone to her mother and fell into a coma. Doctors diagnosed her with a cerebral hematoma and less than two days later, as my brother and I were flying to see her, she died. The next time I saw her she was embalmed and in a coffin.
At the wake few people I never met came to speak. She had had trouble finding work as a teacher despite her excellent resume and experience. Few people would hire a middle aged woman that has been out of a classroom for twenty plus years and couldn't handle modern high schoolers. In the past months she had been working as an assistant to disabled children for teachers half her age. She spent long hours looking after these kids while her own children were hundreds of miles away.
The week of her funeral my brother met his future wife. Their first child, a girl named after my mom, looks like the black and white images of my mother my grandfather keeps in his photo albums.
For years afterwards people would come up to me and tell me things about my mother I never knew. She was the perfect daughter, living up to her parents' expectations and never once arguing with her brother despite their different lifestyles. She came from the Yankee side of my family, stretching back to the Mayflower and Bunker Hill. My mother's family is full of firefighters, police officers and politicians.
After her death I thought of her constantly. I would have, and sometimes still do, have dreams about her. I wonder how different my life would be if she were still in it and what would have happened had I gone back to help her as I wish I did. It's hard dealing with the loss of someone so close, even years later. I still think about her often though it has turned into something more accepted. I always thought of my mother as just that, a mother, and only began to see her for who she was when it was too late.
If I was religious I would find comfort in what happened as many in my family did. The future looked difficult for my mother and if all she believed in was real she had earned what she hoped for.

It feels strange to be packing and boxing everything up again. I look forward to moving because most times I end up in a better place, which is the situation now. In just about an hour I was able to pack up all my dvds, books and cds, including a couple trips to get boxes and packing tape. Some of this stuff hasn't been moved since I first arrived here and my fingers were slightly black from the ash residue.

I spent the afternoon with C accompanying her to Home Depot and Target. I needed to pick up a few things and figured I may see some things I need at Home Depot. At Target I got a microwave and a few smaller items.
I've been planning to get a lot of things though I'm not sure what's a good idea right now. I'd like to get a flat screen tv though I could do without that. I don't watch any tv and have been watching dvds on my computer for months. It would be cool to get a few friends and have a movie night once in a while, pick out some strange movie people may not have heard of, have dinner and watch. I could probably get one cheap. I need to get a bed too and that's not something I want to do without at all. Now that I'm getting a moving truck it should be easier to get both.

Walking home, after seeing C off, I found a fully functioning, clean microwave someone put beside the trash. I always seem to have more microwaves than I need. At one point in South Boston I had four. I never bought one before, I just always ended up having one. I'll take the first one back and get a Foreman Grill.

When I start buying back the music I lost I'm going to get every release from Karma to Burn. Their stuff is a necessity for my collection.

We're two very different people, which makes our relationship fragile at times. As a teenager I was very different from the type of son he wanted. In those years I was going through excessive drama and angst as is common for kids that age. Both my parents, especially my dad, were stricter than most parents, at least in my estimation. At that time I continually heard that I would appreciate my parents', particularly my father's, actions when I got older.

This always irritated me, as it implied that I wasn't aware of what I was doing and I was just a bad kid. I knew my father was strict, I also knew he had problems controlling his anger and would overcompensate in many ways. I'm sure he had an idea of how he wanted his family to be and when it didn't turn out that way he got upset. My brothers and I are all very different people and none of us were the ideal son that I'm sure he wanted though I was the most difficult.

I had no interest in sports and what did interest me bothered him. He didn't like my music tastes, my friends or my sense of humor. We had a strained relationship, both of us pulling away whenever we were reminded of our differences. I just wanted to graduate college and move away to start my own life.

When my parents divorced and my mother died my father probably believed it would lead to more resentment from me. I know it was my cynicism that stopped me from thinking that way. What did you expect for getting married? Over the years my parents grew farther apart as well. With all the kids grown up they seemed to have little in common but, because of the circumstances, most people blamed my father. I did not. While I feel my mother is blameless, I don't put much faith in marriage and the fact that they managed to last so long in spite of everything is a feat.

Growing up my dad gave me everything I needed. I never went hungry and he gave me an excellent education. I see a lot of people that were given more than they needed growing up and it didn't make them better adults. For the most part they are spoiled, difficult to be around and unhappy. Too many people have personality problems due to their upbringing that make their life as an adult even more difficult.

I won't say my father was perfect; because of what I went through when I was younger I am much more violent, distrusting and angrier than most. I don't see these as flaws, since it has helped me more than it has hurt me. It made me tougher and more self reliant, which is a problem for most people.

There's a lot to be said for the few years of our childhood and how much of an affect it has on us as adults. I'm very much a composite of both my parents. From my mother I got my love of music and books. I got my compassion and curiosity from her. My father gave me my sense of practicality and my drive. He taught me how to compromise and work with others based on his efforts to get along with me. He was devoted to his family and his sons as I am with all those around me.

He had a difficult time being a father, just as every man does. He made mistakes but has done more for his kids than most fathers do. He was the coach of my little league teams and was always involved with us growing up. Even though he didn't agree with many of my decisions or my interests, he still encouraged them.

We're apart now and on a good year we may see each other more than a couple times. I don't believe what everyone said, that I would be thankful for what my father did when I got older, but I see a lot of good that he did. The mistakes he made inadvertently made me a better person. One thing I can say is he did all a father should do and that's enough.

My father had a more difficult childhood than I did. My grandfather was tougher on him than he was on me and less of a father than he is. He went to Vietnam and came back and worked hard to get the life he wanted for his kids. All his mistakes are far less than his good points. I know now he has a lot of them. I worry about him more than I thought I would. I feel bad leaving him alone. I know he misses his kids and perhaps being married.

Everyone wants the approval of their parents. Women have more difficulty with their mothers as men have difficulty with their fathers. My relationship with him was worse than most but not nearly as bad as it could have been. I used to regret a lot and wish things had been different but I know if they were I wouldn't be where or who I am.

I look most like my mother but somewhat like my father. We share the same build, however. Our hands are identical.

Damn, this is a good movie. For once the Best Picture winner actually deserved it. I got this weeks ago but haven't had the time to sit down and watch it. Now that I am I'm doing it in parts, about half an hour at a time. This may be one of the reasons I'm enjoying it so much.
The acting is superb. I can't think of any modern movie that is better. The writing and the story are incredible and turn what could be an average cop undercover picture into something truly memorable.
Martin Scorcese has always been one of my favorite directors and I doubt anyone could do with this what he has. The cast is filled with some of the greatest actors giving their best.
On top of that I feel like a part of it since much of it was filmed or takes place in the area I lived and worked in. I feel a fondness for the city that I haven't felt in a while.



Don't go any further if you haven't seen the movie....

The story is multilayered. The good guy is bad. The bad guy is good. The really bad guy is incredible and those you're supposed to be behind you hate. Everyone is a dickhead. Marky Mark is the biggest dickhead (no surprise). Leonardo DiCaprio, usually the babyfaced teen idol, is a dirtbag with a drug problem and fits of rage. Despite what he's known for he does it flawlessly. Matt Damon, another fresh faced momma's boy, is charming and likable, but ultimately a criminal.
Alec Baldwin is great as Ellerby, the foul mouthed special forces chief that brings the only respite from the scumbaggery.
Oh yes, DiCaprio and Damon are both seeing the same woman, each unknowingly living the reverse of each other's lives- The bad cop acting sweet seeing a woman the good cop acting like a thug is seeing on the side. What does she do? She's a police psychiatrist...

Summer is here as well as the heat the comes with it. I feel like I've spent half my life dehydrated and hot. I'm not installing my air conditioner because I'd just have to take it out when I move. In a strange way I enjoy the oppressive heat that leaves me drained after a workout and cramped for the rest of the week. I feel as if I lose half my weight this time of year. I move slower until the days seem incredibly long and drawn out.

I've been very busy since I last wrote. I managed to find a place and begin the move in next week. C promised to help, as did A. I need to arrange a truck to get my two pieces of furniture and everything else out there. Hopefully I'll be able to pick up a bed somewhere along the way.
It's a good place in a not so great neighborhood. To be honest I'm not sure if the area is good or bad as I've heard both. Whichever it is, everyone agrees it is up and coming which means there will be nothing but condos in a few years in which case I'll have to move out, probably to a worse area. Maybe by then I'll buy and stay. Don't think I want a condo though, would rather just buy a building.

Have been enjoying the benefits of lots of good ideas, both in work and writing. I'm getting a lot done and rather than write a few good paragraphs, question them, put them aside, rewrite them and ultimately throw them away, I instead have too much to handle. My free time is spent getting as much as possible down before anything else comes along.
I started two new stories this month and though I doubt both of them will turn into what I want, I know both have the potential and will both go farther than usual.

Years ago some friends and I predicted where we would be in ten years. Most of them expected to be at the job they hoped for, with kids and a wife. Everyone, including myself, guessed I would be somewhere alone with no air conditioning writing for hours. I think I'm the only who guessed correctly.

The past week has been very busy for me. I've taken on several things at once and the moment I finish one I'm on to the next. Finding a place/moving/finding furniture has taken priority over all the others. I've spent most of my waking moments working towards or worrying about getting a new place and enlisted the help of both A and C to help me, which is greatly needed and appreciated.
I lined up several showings last week, which were, for the most part, terrible. If anything was remotely livable it was overpriced to the point of fantasy. You want a thousand five hundred for a studio apartment with a filthy bathroom on the street with no laundry and a big hole in the wall?
I lined up several on Tuesday, certain I would like at least one of the four. No dice. One, listed as "Dreams Come True!" was a studio, filthy, hot and had a hole in the wall. Price? $995. I could tell the realtor felt like an idiot. Why are you showing me a studio when I asked for at least a one bedroom? It has a bedroom. No, it has a corner with a small wall on one side that couldn't fit a good sized bed. Fuck you for wasting my time. You're a parasite. You're a professional liar that lives to screw people over and steal their money. Realtors are now on the same level as divorce lawyers and pedophile priests. You prey on people and that's all you do.

I don't need you. I can find a place on my own. You need me. Don't give me that bullshit about how business is drying up for you. I don't care about your problems. The way you do business you should starve. You don't do anything to help people.

J must have been feeling lonelier than usual this week and has been texting me or calling daily. We talked for a bit and I told her about the realtor and she said I should understand because he's a salesman and to understand his side. So are heroin dealers. Fuck him. Not sure what to do about J. She wants me to move back which is about as likely as my moving to Indonesia. Going back would be like going back to elementary school. I wouldn't be able to go back to who I was or what I did, I couldn't even imagine it and to think I would just forget all that happened this year and all I gave up. No fucking way.

Woke up very tired and stressed today. All I could think about was getting a new place and worried I would have to do the couch tour between friends while storing my stuff. I told my roommate I was moving out and he got frantic about finding a roommate. I wasn't that concerned. Surprised he didn't see it coming though. Did he think I'd live here forever? This was a temporary thing from the first day. I even told him that before I moved in. I didn't worry too much since I thought it would take him months to find a roommate and I could take my time.

Miracle of miracles, he found one in a week. I met him briefly. The guy is 48 and had to move out because his roommate is getting married. Who are these people? If I have to run between roommates when I'm 48 please kill me. I'm doing all I can to save money to buy a place so I won't have to put up with that bullshit. How can you live with a roommate at that age? I can't even stand it now. I wonder how they'll get along. Won't be around to see it though.

The place I saw today was between A and C. I can walk to both but it's on the better side of the neighborhood; quiet but close enough to walk to everything. I would have taken it immediately but I have three places lined up tomorrow so I decided it's better to see more than just wonder. C went with me to see the place and knew the realtor from when she was looking for a place. They got along great and said he's a stand up guy. After earlier in the week I was skeptical but I trust her. I told him to hold it and I most likely will take the place but want to wait a day to think about it. Odds are very likely I will move in there which will be a huge relief.

Got a new book earlier this week- Broken Summers by Henry Rollins. My favorite writers evoke a lot from me. I get depressed or anxious, angry or sick after reading their stuff. Hubert Selby is one that does this most often. Rollins is a strange character. His stuff can either be really self indulgent that it's almost funny and a lot of it feels so visceral and so real that I begin to see things as he does. I know all these things but can't dwell on them. At one time I did and I was a miserable person. You deal with what you can change, deal with yourself and try to ignore the rest. Ignore the horrible shit that is everywhere else. You can't do anything with it. It's always been here and will be here long after I'm gone. It's too accepted, too welcomed that to disagree with it makes you the strange one.



There's a lot of bullshit, a lot of people living on fast food, bad tv, suckered by liars, liars that thrive on hurting others and destroying people that all you can do is ignore it if you want to live your life. I see people that take guns and mow people down or bomb crowds of innocent people and know they just couldn't look away. They became part of the bullshit and made it worse. No one will listen to them and no one cares so they become part of the evil they rant against.

That's what I get for reading Rollins. I get very angry and frustrated. It does compel me to do all I can with all I have. For that reason I've been going nonstop; reading, making plans, working, looking for a place, writing, helping friends out. I get a lot done when I don't fuck around. I'm tired of fucking around. Here's where we'll end tonight.

Great day today. The sky was beautiful, warm, everyone seemed to be out. No one had any problems. No one giving any shit.
After hearing that Grindhouse may not stay in the theaters for very long I went to see it with A. I was told that not many people are seeing it and may be pulled by theater owners. I'd heard a few things about it before; it was two movies, it was really long and violent, all good things. I thought it would be the top movie in the country. Shows what I know. I'm sure that went to Hitch or some other worthless movie.
It is good, very good, particularly Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror. Violent too, particularly Planet Terror. I wanted it to see it in a drive in but the nearest ones aren't showing it. I'm always impressed by Robert Rodriquez though Tarantino seemed to try to be too funny or cool that it was a let down. Anyone would have a problem following Planet Terror and after an hour and a half I wanted more from him. Death Proof is better than most, though. Where else could you see a mother give her six year old boy a gun and tell him to shoot daddy if he shows up. Where else could Bruce Willis be honored for killing Osama Bin Laden?



I made a day of it and headed to Kuma's to get some good burgers before the movies. I haven't talked much about that place so let's. Kuma's is heavy metal burgers named after Iron Maiden, Motorhead, Clutch and Mastodon. I'm going to try each one to determine which is the best. The best burgers in Chicago. I've only had the Slayer and the Black Sabbath and Slayer is leading the pack. Both amazing though I have to wonder how they earned their names. The Judas Priest has cranberries and walnuts in it. The Motorhead has goat cheese, olives and oregano which seems inappropriate. Motorhead should have motor oil and broken teeth. The Black Sabbath should have cocaine, bad weed and alcohol. The Slayer should have roadkill and blood, Judas Priest; leather and sweat.


Lemmy doesn't like his burger

The Slayer is leading as best burger- chili, onions, angus beef and jack cheese over a layer of fries. I want to get through the menu so I can get my next Slayer burger.

Both A and I couldn't stop thinking about what a perfect day it is. Great movie, great food and we're really getting along. Since I've last written, I told her I'm only seeing her and don't want to see anyone else. The concept of a "girlfriend" isn't something I've been shooting for since C opened me to the idea of being in very loose, informal relationships, but A has definitely shown her worth.
The movie and dinner at Kuma's is exactly something Kam and I would do and I didn't feel like I was on a date but just enjoyed being with her and enjoyed the moment. It's one of those rare times when (almost)everything seems to be going well.

I'm content.